As we ease into the new year, you might be taking stock of your mental and emotional health. And if finding healthier ways to self-soothe made it onto your list of priorities, help is near. We’ve roped in Therapeutic Manager and Occupational Therapist at Netcare Akeso Montrose Manor, Marlene van den Berg, to shed some light
If you find it hard to regulate your nervous system and wondering if it’s possible to sit with uncomfortable emotions and self-soothe, Marlene affirms that it’s possible. From a clinical perspective, she explains that self-soothing and emotional regulation are related but distinct concepts within the DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) framework. “Self-soothing is often used as a lay term; clinically, it most closely aligns with distress tolerance and is also commonly referred to as soothing or grounding. Distress tolerance focuses on calming the nervous system in the moment, to reduce the surge of adrenaline, allowing an individual to access their coping skills.”
Further enlightening that In essence, it’s about settling the overwhelming physiological and emotional response to stress in the here and now. This is primarily a body- and nervous-system-based practice. “Emotional regulation, on the other hand, refers to the ability to understand, manage, and respond to emotions effectively once the nervous system is regulated. Both distress tolerance and emotional regulation are essential for good mental health.”
Glamour: What evidence-based practices most effectively support nervous system regulation?
Marlene: The most helpful practices are often multisensory. Activities such as gardening, which incorporate movement, touch, smell, and environmental stimulation, are excellent examples of multisensory regulation. Evidence also strongly supports movement, particularly grounded movement and large arm-overhead motions, such as yoga, tai chi, or even gentle stretching.
Mindfulness practices can be more complex, as they often focus on calming the mind rather than grounding the body. Regulation is most effective when the body receives the message that it is safe, that adrenaline is no longer needed, and that the nervous system can settle. For this reason, mindfulness practices combined with embodied experiences tend to be more effective. Examples include walking, walking a labyrinth, watercolour painting, doing a Sudoku, or quicker grounding activities such as blowing bubbles or standing outside to feel the sun on your skin.
Glamour: How do sensory-based rituals (touch, scent, movement) influence vagal tone and emotional safety?
Marlene: Sensory-based rituals activate the parasympathetic nervous system, signalling that it is safe to rest and relax and that the perceived threat has passed. This system is deeply connected to the vagus nerve, the longest cranial nerve in your body, which runs from your brainstem to your abdomen. When it is activated, it supports improved vagal tone and creates a sense of emotional safety.
Glamour: Can beauty and grooming routines function as somatic regulation tools when framed intentionally?
Marlene: Yes, but only when they are framed intentionally. A bubble bath or face mask can simply be a beauty routine, but when used with the explicit purpose of nervous system regulation, these activities become mental health tools. Practices that are particularly helpful for immediate distress tolerance include applying lip balm or hand lotion with conscious attention, not in pursuit of appearance enhancement, but in pursuit of calm.
Similarly, deep tissue massage, rasul treatments, or sauna experiences, when paired with mindful intention and breathing exercises, can be powerful tools for somatic regulation. It is important to have both quick tools for immediate use and longer-term practices that build a reservoir of regulation and grounding, which can then be accessed in moments of distress. Prevention and repair work hand in hand in self-regulation practices.
Glamour: What are common misconceptions about self-soothing in popular wellness culture?
Marlene: One of the biggest misconceptions is that simply having “more me-time” will automatically make you feel better. Me-time is often demanded, but not always used effectively. There is certainly a place for watching TV for a day or taking a relaxing bubble bath, but self-soothing requires more than just calming the nervous system in isolation.
True regulation also involves understanding the deeper emotional patterns and relational dynamics that shape our internal world. While “just chill” practices have value, they need to be complemented by practices that actively explore, address, and heal emotional and nervous system wellbeing.
Glamour: How do attachment styles affect an individual’s capacity to self-soothe?
Marlene: Absolutely—attachment styles play a significant role. How we care for ourselves, how much we rely on others to soothe us, or how we push others away is deeply influenced by our attachment patterns. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles may resist self-soothing due to difficulty offering themselves compassion or because they wish to avoid emotional experiences altogether. Those with insecure attachment styles may rely heavily on others for soothing, yet struggle to regulate themselves independently. This highlights that self-soothing and regulation require deeper insight, reflection, and often therapeutic work. The key question is not what self-soothing strategies someone uses, but why they overuse or avoid them. Our patterns are what matter most.
Glamour: When does self-soothing become maladaptive or avoidant behaviour?
Marlene: Self-soothing becomes maladaptive when it turns obsessive, addictive, or escapist. Distress tolerance and emotional regulation are meant to bring individuals closer to themselves and support insight and growth. When a strategy creates distance from one’s internal world or a sense of safety within the self, it often becomes unhelpful. This is frequently observed in work with eating-disordered clients, where self-soothing may begin with good intentions but quickly becomes a way to deflect, numb, or avoid emotional experience altogether.
Glamour: How can clinicians assess whether a client’s regulation strategies are sustainable or compensatory?
Marlene: Therapeutic work is never intended to be rigid or prescriptive. It is important that clients actively implement the tools suggested in therapy, rather than attend sessions without making meaningful change. When clients are actively working, the therapeutic process becomes a dynamic trial-and-error exploration—discovering what works, what does not, and which tools are effective in specific situations.
This collaborative process can be creative and engaging, as clinician and client puzzle together to build an individualised regulation toolkit. Our needs shift depending on circumstances and emotional states, which is why having a broad range of strategies and mindfully selecting from them is so important.
Glamour: What role does co-regulation play in building long-term self-regulation skills?
Marlene: Co-regulation is foundational. Much therapeutic work could be reduced if individuals learned how to co-regulate effectively with partners, and especially if parents learned how to co-regulate with their children. Co-regulation communicates that while neither person may feel okay in the moment, that experience is valid, manageable, and not hopeless. It creates space to pause, cool down, and find solutions together.
Children who grow up exposed to healthy regulation processes—who experience co-regulation and observe their parents regulating themselves—develop a healthier relationship with their emotions and inner world, which supports better functioning in adulthood. However, caution is needed against an overemphasis on “gentle parenting” without accountability. Co-regulation is not about soothing without learning or avoiding responsibility; it is about calming the nervous system first, and then addressing behaviour or conflict from a grounded, regulated state—the optimal space for learning and growth.
Glamour: How can clinicians adapt regulation strategies for clients living in chronic stress or survival mode?
Marlene: We strongly believe in consistent, regular regulation strategies that become rituals and habits supporting long-term wellbeing. Grouping several practices together into a meaningful ritual can create a powerful space for reducing distress and reconnecting with oneself. For example, this might include swimming, followed by coffee and journaling, and then reading inspirational poetry.Individuals living with chronic stress benefit greatly from engaging in these rituals alongside formal therapeutic work. However, clients who are severely burnt out, stuck in survival mode, or unable to initiate regulation independently may benefit from admission to a clinic or retreat. This can help “reset” the nervous system and establish a healthier baseline, from which sustainable regulation strategies can later be implemented.
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