The month of love is a great time to align with your partner, including having conversations around finances. Chartered Accountant Ayanda Mvandaba joins the conversation on why “financial intimacy” is the ultimate vulnerability and how to get naked with your numbers without killing the mood.
Let’s be honest about the amount of preparation we do for a third date.
We wax, shave, exfoliate. We make sure the lingerie is matching – costs be damned. We are willing to bare our bodies, our birth marks, what we look like without the wigs and makeup to a new partner relatively quickly.
But ask a couple that has been sleeping together for six months to share their bank statements and watch the panic set in.
We live in an era where we have swapped so much. Sex is easy. Money? That’s the new Third Base.
It is the final frontier of true vulnerability. You can know exactly how your partner takes their coffee and what their childhood trauma is, but have no idea if they are drowning in debt or sitting on a trust fund. We are quick to order Ice Tropez, prawns and suggest outings without knowing where the other person stands financially.
And if you want a relationship that lasts longer than your latest manicure, we need to talk about why getting naked with your numbers is so much harder than taking off your clothes.
Why Your Bank Balance Feels Like a Loaded Gun
As someone with interest in behavioural finance, I spend a lot of time looking at why smart people do "stupid" things with money. And the first thing you need to know is that your financial anxiety isn't a personality flaw. It’s biology.
To your survival brain, money doesn't just equal currency- a means to an end. Money equals survival.
When a partner asks, "How much debt do you actually have?", your nervous system doesn't hear a logistical question. It hears a threat to your safety. It triggers the same fight-or-flight response as a lion jumping out of the bushes.
This is doubly true if you come from a background where money was scarce, or if you are navigating the real complexities of "Black Tax." If your money is not just yours—if it belongs to your parents, your siblings, and your community obligations—showing your partner your bank balance feels like exposing your entire family history. You start to worry that your partner will run at the realisation of your “baggage”.
That is why we get defensive. That is why we lie about how much the dress cost. We aren't trying to be deceitful; we are trying to be safe.
The Three Bases of Financial Intimacy
Just like physical intimacy, you shouldn't rush financial intimacy. You don't drop your credit report on the table before the starters arrive. There are levels to this game.
1st Base: This is early dating. It’s the getting to know each other phase. Does he treat the waiter well? Does he refuse to tip? Does he comment on prices? Does she offer to split the bill, or does she assume you’re paying? Does he panic if the card machine takes too long? You are looking for flow, not figures.
2nd Base: You’re exclusive. You’re planning a young getaway. Now we talk in "Ish." "My rent is R8,000-ish." "I have a student loan-ish." You are establishing general boundaries without needing to show any proof.
3rd Base: Full Disclosure This is the "moving in" or "engagement" level. This is where the full disclosure happens. This means sharing credit scores. This means showing the actual debt number (down to the cent). This means revealing "The Number"—the amount of money you need in the bank to feel safe.
Red Flags vs. Green Flags
When you finally have "The Talk," what are you looking for?
The Red Flag isn't Debt. A lot of people have debt. The red flag is Chaos. If your partner hides statements, lies about purchases (financial infidelity), or refuses to discuss money at all (stonewalling), run. You cannot build a life with someone who refuses to look at the map. You also need to determine if there is alignment in principles or a willingness to learn.
The Green Flag isn't Wealth. Do not confuse a rich partner with a good partner. The ultimate green flag is Regulation. Can they talk about money without shouting? Can they handle a declined card transaction without falling apart? Can they say "I can't afford that right now" without shame? Can they speak about a financial goal they are working toward without shame? You are looking for a partner who is emotionally regulated, not just financially liquid.
How to Have a "Money Date" (That Doesn't End in Tears)
So, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Before you buy the chocolate, buy into the idea of financial intimacy. Here is how to start:
- Rebrand the Meeting
Do not say, "We need to talk about the budget." That sounds like you are being summoned to the principal’s office. Call it a "Dream Session." Pour wine. Order sushi. Light the expensive candle. Make the environment signal romance, not audit.
- Ask Better Questions
Don't start with numbers. Start with stories.
- "What is your first memory of money?"
- "What did your parents teach you about saving?"
- "What is the one thing you want to buy in 5 years?"
Once you understand their "Money Script," their spending habits will make so much more sense. Speak and ask from a place of wanting to understand. And when a partner’s answer is “my parents never taught me about saving…”, hold that truth with empathy.
- Get Naked
Show yours first. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability. If you share your fear—"I’m actually really stressed about my credit card"—it gives them permission to put down their armour too. We are human – emotional and fallible. Let us extend grace while being discerning.
The Ultimate Aphrodisiac
We often think romance is a mystery. But in a long-term partnership, romance is safety. It is in the safety of sharing the thing that keeps you up at night, your weaknesses in impulsive spending, in building together and working towards financial stability.
There is nothing sexier than knowing your partner has your back. There is nothing more intimate than looking at a messy, imperfect financial reality together and saying, "Okay. We can handle this."
So this February, by all means, buy the lingerie. But maybe, just maybe, show them your savings goal too.
That’s the real third base.
By: Ayanda Mvandaba CA(SA)
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