It’s one thing to grow up with strict parents—or even emotionally immature ones who made you the de facto adult in the house. But it’s another to be raised by narcissist parents—a specific kind of upbringing that impacts you long after your childhood technically ends.
These days, “narcissist” has become a buzzword to describe manipulative exes, tyrannical bosses, or essentially anyone who acts like an entitled jerk. Clinically, there is such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a rare, diagnosable mental health condition that requires a formal evaluation. But when people use this term in everyday conversation, they usually aren’t referring to this, though. More often than not, they’re talking about selfish people with narcissistic traits: “A person who is self-centered, has a lot of self-importance, and believes they’re the most important person in the room,” Suzanne Manser, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother): Healing Paper Cuts, Mother Wounds, and Intergenerational Pain, tells SELF. “It’s someone who needs to be admired; who thinks they should always get their way, because it’s obviously the best; who sees everyone else’s feelings as irrelevant.”
If that’s the kind of person (or people) you were brought up by, you probably absorbed a few harsh truths early on, Dr. Manser says: Like the idea that love is conditional; or that your needs come second—if they’re even acknowledged at all. But how do you know if you were actually raised by narcissists, and not just difficult or tough-to-please parents? While there’s no definitive checklist, psychologists have observed that adults who grew up this way tend to share most, if not all, of the behavioral patterns below.
1. You’re hyperfocused on doing the “right” thing—and paranoid about doing the wrong one.
In a narcissistic household, the punishment for “messing up” is disproportionate and unpredictable, Ramani Durvasula, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, tells SELF. A forgotten chore, a slightly “off” tone, or any normal teenage mistake will often spiral into a condescending lecture or the silent treatment—experiences that may lead you to carry a constant fear of criticism, even in low-stakes situations.
For example, “you might quadruple check if you've packed your charger or become paranoid about, ‘Did I sound okay when I said that?’ ‘What kind of gift should I get? I don't want to bring the wrong one!’” Dr. Durvasula says. “In general, there's a lot of self-doubt and anxiety,” because being imperfect in these situations isn’t just an inevitable part of life: It means risking withdrawal, ridicule, or a sudden loss of affection from the very person whose approval you crave most.
2. You’ve never thought about what you want.
Growing up with someone who puts themselves first means your needs get ignored. From a young age, you may have been told what to think (“You love soccer, you were born for this!”), how to act (“That didn’t hurt—stop making it a big deal”) or what to want (“We don’t like grandma on dad’s side, okay?” “You don’t need friends, you have me”).
“Narcissistic parents firmly believe they know best and that only their feelings are important,” Dr. Manser says. “Therefore the kid learns that theirs aren't,” which can blur their sense of self and make it hard to answer simple questions later in life, like, Where do I want to live? What kind of partner do I want to marry? Do I even like the career I’m in?
3. You don’t believe you deserve empathy.
At its core, narcissism is defined by a lack of empathy—not just occasional selfishness, but a consistent inability or unwillingness to step into someone else’s world. Maybe you scraped your knee and were told, “Well, what did I say? You should’ve been more careful.” Or when your middle school best friend switched schools, your sadness wasn’t met with comfort or care: It was dismissed or treated as an inconvenience.
“Narcissists don’t care about how other people feel, and they don’t care to put themselves in anybody else’s shoes,” Dr. Manser explains. “And when children aren’t extended empathy or compassion by their caretakers, they internalize they don’t deserve those things.” That can show up as apologizing for crying, downplaying pain, or hesitating to lean on friends—all because you were taught to pride yourself on being “low-maintenance”...and that having needs meant you were a burden.
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4. You think overachieving will make people like you more.
A parent’s love should be unconditional. But with narcissists, approval only shows up when you’re impressive enough to brag about…and disappears the second you’re not.
This ties into what Dr. Manser refers to as “narcissistic extension”: “It’s the idea that narcissists see their kids not as independent people, but as reflections [or extensions] of themselves.” In other words, if their daughter does well in school, it reinforces their social image: I’m a great person. I raised a winner. People will admire me. On the flip side, deviating from perfection—not landing the lead in a school play or getting hormonal acne—registers as a personal humiliation rather than an inevitable part of growing up and being human. So in that upbringing, excelling stops being about achievement or passion—it becomes a survival strategy to earn love and approval.
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5. You carry extreme guilt.
This isn’t about feeling bad over actual mistakes. We’re talking about feeling guilt for simply existing.
“Narcissist parents are often inconvenienced by their children and will communicate it with language like, ‘Oh, you always ask for so much from me,’ or ‘After everything I’ve done for you,’” Dr. Durvasula points out. Over time, ordinary needs—help with homework, comfort when you’re sick, reassurance after a bad day—can be treated as unreasonable. What’s more, “you also may feel guilty for even thinking any ‘bad’ thoughts about your parents,” Dr. Durvasula adds—convincing yourself, “At least they fed me,” or “I’m such an ungrateful daughter.”
Part of what makes this dynamic especially hard is that narcissism tends to be a stable personality structure, not a temporary phase, according to both experts. Meaning, unless they have an unusual level of self-awareness or a genuine motivation to change, “narcissists are probably not going to,” says Dr. Durvasula, who works with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse. Generally speaking, “this is who they are.”
So when it comes to healing your inner child, the process becomes less about “fixing” your mom and dad, and more about adjusting your expectations. For some, that might mean reducing in-person family visits to holidays and birthdays only or keeping certain topics (your dating life, your career) off-limits. Essentially, “you learn new rules of engagement, so it’s not always about completely cutting them off,” Dr. Durvasula says—though in certain cases, no contact can be the healthiest option, too.
While you can acknowledge and be grateful for what your parents provided, it’s equally important—and okay—to be honest about what was missing. Those truths, experts remind us, aren’t mutually exclusive, even if you were raised to believe they were.
Originally published on SELF.
