The idea that crying easily is a sign of emotional fragility, weakness, or instability still gets traction. So we asked the experts on behalf of all us weeping willows: Is it okay to cry, like, kind of a lot?
“Shame and stigma certainly exists around crying,” psychologist Christina Pierpaoli Parker, PhD, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral neurobiology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham Marnix E. Heersink School of Medicine, tells SELF. “But for me, that's just an indictment of our culture's incredibly poor understanding of emotions.” In other words: It’s a them problem, not a you problem.
So let’s talk about what crying actually does for you—and why shedding a tear (or two) more often than others is not only not a problem, but potentially a wonderful thing.
Why we cry, and why it’s good for us
Crying’s main function is to help us process and express strong emotions, clinical psychologist Lauren Bylsma, PhD, an associate professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who has studied the neurobiology of crying, tells SELF.
This emotional crying is exclusive to our species. “We don’t see this kind of behavior in other living beings,” Grace Tworek, PsyD, a clinical health psychologist at Cleveland Clinic, says. “So expressing our emotions this way is really a part of what makes humans unique.” You might even say that being someone who cries often means you’re thoroughly enjoying your humanity—even if it means openly exploring emotions we consider “negative,” like sadness.
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Many of us instinctively know there’s something cathartic about a good cry—and experts agree there are psychological benefits. “Crying, especially when alone, can serve as a sort of self-therapy,” Dr. Parker says. “It really forces you to think about whatever you’re crying about and to process it, and that can make you feel better.”
A healthy sob also helps your body regulate. When strong feelings (positive or negative) flood the body, it creates stress, Dr. Parker explains—and crying is like a pressure relief valve. “Tears relieve the psychological pressure that is accumulated within our sympathetic nervous system,” she says. Research shows that right before you start crying, the nervous system’s fight-or-flight response peaks, explains Dr. Bylsma. Once the tears start flowing, your nervous system’s relaxation response can start to kick in.
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Crying also triggers the release of feel-good chemicals, Dr. Parker says, like pain-relieving endorphins and oxytocin (the “love hormone”). “That actually creates a sense of connection and safety within your nervous system,” Dr. Parker says.
Oxytocin also facilitates bonding—which brings us to crying’s other key function. “We cry to communicate our needs and values to people,” Dr. Parker says. Your tears can tell somebody I need a hug or This really matters to me. "You might get more support from others because they realize that you’re really struggling,” Dr. Bylsma says.
Why some people cry a lot—and why there’s nothing wrong with that
Many factors can impact someone’s proneness to crying, Dr. Parker says—like the family and culture they were raised in, as well as individual differences in personality and biology. (Data generally confirms the stereotype that women often cry more than men, Dr. Tworek says, likely due to both biological differences and gender socialization.) This all means two things: “There's a vast variability in how much people cry,” Dr. Bylsma says, “and all of that is normal.”
Shedding tears on the regular can simply indicate you’re highly sensitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive. In other words, you’re attuned to your inner world and the world around you, Dr. Bylsma says. In Dr. Parker’s eyes, frequent crying can suggest a rich inner life. “It's actually a sign of your emotional hygiene and your psychological sophistication that you are appropriately perceiving the gravity of things around you.”
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Being able to cry in connection to positive emotions specifically (like joy or awe) demonstrates your emotional complexity, Dr. Parker says. “I think it requires a more advanced stage of emotional development to cry over a work of art,” adds Dr. Bylsma. (This might be why you see four-year-olds crying over scraped knees, not sunsets.)
Letting out tears is also good evidence that you’re letting your feelings arise and pass instead of chronically suppressing them. “We find that’s really unhealthy and doesn’t allow you to process your emotions in a helpful way,” Dr. Bylsma says. (This doesn’t mean that if you don’t cry a lot, you’re suppressed, Dr. Bylsma notes—only if you routinely feel the impulse but hold it back.)
Finally, crying can create more intimacy in your relationships. “We can really bond with somebody else through large displays of emotion because that brings in vulnerability,” according to Dr. Tworek. It lets people know you’re a good person to open up to. “Someone who’s highly emotional and cries signals to other people that they have emotional complexity, and that they are potentially a safe person with whom to process painful things,” Dr. Parker explains.
Is there such thing as crying too much?
Good news: “There is no threshold at which I would be concerned that someone is crying too much,” Dr. Bylsma says.
Crying frequently only becomes a problem if it’s negatively impacting your mood or daily life. “If it’s causing distress and…getting in the way of your work, your relationships—it may be time to get curious about potential underlying psychiatric causes,” Dr. Parker says. In that case, you’ll want to talk to a mental health professional.
Otherwise? Feel free to let the cry out—and proudly love on your weepy nature.
Originally published on SELF.
