You’ve probably heard the phrase victim mentality tossed around before—it’s a buzzy red flag on TikTok nowadays. Maybe you’ve even used it yourself when that one coworker blames their constant tardiness on irrelevant, never-ending struggles. Or your partner spouts off yet another excuse for why they were too tired to do the dishes.
But while you might have found yourself wondering whether someone else was playing the victim, have you ever turned the question on yourself?
First, what’s a victim mentality, anyway?
Let’s be clear: Being a “victim” (if you even identify with that language) isn’t the same as having a so-called victim mentality—it’s when “you’ve experienced a trauma or betrayal or were wronged in some way that caused psychological or physical damage,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, therapist and owner of Space for Growth Therapy and Coaching in Pasadena, California, tells SELF. “Playing the victim,” on the other hand, “is more of a mindset, when a person repeats narratives where others are at fault for the negative things that happen in their life.” And some might do it for their own benefit, she adds, like to avoid taking responsibility after messing up or to gain sympathy and attention.
If you’re thinking, That’s terrible—I’d never do that, know that a victim mindset can show up without you even realizing it, and it’s not automatically toxic or manipulative. If you’ve experienced setback after setback, you may lose hope and come to believe you have no control over your problems. It’s a psychological concept called learned helplessness, Moore explains, and when that belief takes over, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors that keep you stuck. Unfortunately, those patterns are often easier to spot in others than in ourselves.
While feeling hurt is totally human, living a life where you believe the world is always against you (or assuming you deserve special treatment because of it) can block you from moving forward and taking charge of your life. To distinguish when a lil’ complaining and blaming suggest a more chronic mindset, we asked experts to share the biggest warning signs of a victim mentality—plus tips on how to pull yourself out.
1. You always have an explanation lined up.
Showed up an hour late to the dinner reservation? Well, it’s not your fault, you promise—it was the traffic, your workload, the newest Apple update messing with the alarm you definitely set. Got caught gossiping behind a pal’s back? Actually, that was taken out of context, you swear, and your friend wouldn’t be so upset if she knew the whole story. Whatever the situation, you might feel wronged, misunderstood, or straight-up unlucky…. But others may notice a pattern of offering convenient excuses rather than acknowledging your mistakes.
To be fair, “it can be really uncomfortable to admit when you’ve done something wrong or that you’re to blame,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, owner of Kelley Counseling and Wellness in Cary, North Carolina, and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse, tells SELF. For some people, that discomfort is enough to trigger a self-protective instinct to deflect, blame, or jump to rationalizations, Dr. Kelley explains. In more extreme cases, though, this response is more than just a little defensiveness or shame—it becomes a reflexive pattern of avoiding accountability all the time.
2. You tend to see your own hurtful actions as justified.
Look, past trauma and mental health struggles help explain the context behind harmful actions or comments. That said, constantly pointing to them as the reason you mistreat others—and expecting others to just deal—could be a subtle sign of a victim mentality, according to Moore.
Maybe you’re annoyed that your partner’s upset you snapped at them—it’s not like they don’t know you had a rough childhood with overbearing parents! Or you’re confused why your friend is pissed about you flaking again (you’ve already explained why you’re so bad with time management). Obviously, the context behind your behaviors is an important part of your experience too—but make sure you’re not using your personal struggles as a free pass to continue behavior that others have let you know is hurtful or confusing.
3. You struggle to see the gray areas.
You likely know that, in theory, people are rarely all good or all bad. But when you’re stuck in the victim mindset, it can be hard to recognize nuance. Rather than entertaining gray areas of a situation, you might fall into black-and-white thinking where you can cast the roles of the good guy and bad guy, Natalia Amari, LCSW, an Austin-based psychotherapist and creator of Rebel In Bloom, an online platform providing emotional wellness resources, tells SELF.
For example, if your best friend is slow to respond to your texts, you might skip past more balanced explanations—maybe they’re busy or overwhelmed!—and land on They don’t care about me or I’m the only one who puts effort into this friendship instead. Or if your boss gives you constructive feedback, it might feel less like support and more like they’re a total micromanager or that your work is so unappreciated. When your brain jumps to extremes like that, it’s a good sign you’re caught up in your own experience, Amari says—and may not be considering someone else’s POV.
4. You constantly replay past hurts (and let them hold you back).
With a victim mentality, it’s easy to feel like your entire life is defined by the painful things you’ve been through, Dr. Kelley says—so much so that it becomes tough to not fixate on them. This might look like constantly bringing up a years-old incident (like the time they forgot your birthday) even though they’ve been reliable ever since, or still feeling hurt about not being included in a group trip regardless of whether they apologized or acknowledged your feelings.
What’s more, you might let old wounds get in the way of new opportunities—like not applying to your dream job because you were rejected before or swearing off dating altogether after one underwhelming experience. It’s not just about holding a grudge; it’s about trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again. But while these patterns often come from a place of self-preservation, they can also keep you from moving forward.
5. You reject any advice you’re offered.
There are plenty of reasons you may be hesitant to accept support—fear of vulnerability, being overwhelmed about where to start, or just wanting to vent. Not to mention, the advice that well-intentioned people give can be useless, and you’re not wrong for thinking you know your situation better than they do.
However, there’s a difference between needing space to process on your own and rejecting any attempts to improve a dissatisfying situation. “People who are more empowered will wonder, What can I do?” Dr. Kelley says. On the other hand, someone with a victim mentality might have a more contentious relationship with problem-solving. “They can’t really think outside the box…and will almost instantly clap back with why a solution won’t work,” she adds.
But just because it seems like there’s no point doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Even if you’re skeptical, being open to at least trying might move you closer to feeling better—which is pretty hard to do when you’re dismissing every possible solution.
How to get out of victim mentality
To drill the point home: All the experts we spoke to emphasize that relating to any of these signs does not make you a bad person. It just means there’s room to unlearn these patterns and start shifting into a more empowered headspace. Here are a few ways to start:
Sit with and process old wounds. If you really want to break out of that powerlessness, you have to be willing to face it. One way to do this is to “sit down with a journal and write about moments where you fell into this mindset,” Dr. Kelley says—times you’ve felt small, ignored, or helpless. And if that’s too much for you to untangle solo, a therapist can help you dig into your emotional baggage.
Remove absolutes from your vocabulary. No one’s saying you can’t talk about your struggles—just be mindful about how you do. Not only are phrases like “bad things are always happening to me,” or “things never go my way” inaccurate, but they also trap you in that state of helplessness, according to Moore.
Own your actions, even if it’s late. A simple, “Hey, I’m sorry I handled that poorly,” is a daunting yet powerful step toward breaking out of a victim mindset, Amari says. That way, you’re shifting the narrative from always being wronged to one where you’ve got the power to own your part, repair your mistakes, and improve your situation.
Fight helplessness with hopefulness. You can’t change the past, both Dr. Kelley and Moore point out, but you can take control of your future—and that’s an empowering place to start. So rather than dwelling on missed opportunities, like not getting that promotion, try focusing on what you can do, like asking what you can improve so you’ll land a title bump next time.
Original article appeared on SELF
