The thing about being mostly single for over five years is that sometimes you forget to prioritize sex in your life—that’s my experience, anyway. I’m not particularly interested in casual hookups, so despite considering myself a “sexual person,” the minute I’m no longer in a relationship, sex goes on the back burner. Lacking a secondary participant to turn me on, I adapt and learn to just live without it. This—I now realize—is pretty messed up: Why the hell should I be relying on another person to have a great sex life?!
“Our most important sexual relationship is with ourselves,” Kate Moyle, a COSRT-accredited sex and relationship therapist and expert for Lelo UK, tells SELF. But I’m far from the only one to have originally missed that memo. “Most commonly we talk and think about sex as a partnered experience,” she explains. “What that means is often single people feel as though they can’t have a sex life and are left out of conversations about pleasure, and that is wrong.”
Of course, our cultural definition of sex has evolved a lot over time—and personally, as a queer person, my own understanding of what “counts” as sex has expanded hugely. Still, mainstream narratives rarely acknowledge the validity and value of anything but partnered intimacy. But according to ethical porn producer Anna Richards, if you’re interested in sex, treating the solo version with the same enthusiasm can be a boon to your well-being, both physically and mentally. “Maintaining a solo sex life is a great way to boost your mood and add excitement to your day,” she tells SELF. “Masturbation releases many feel-good chemicals in the brain and also provides a space to relax if you do it consciously and intentionally.”
That’s not to say it’s all about getting off. Discovering what a solo sex life means to you personally can be a journey in itself. “For some, it may be a heavy focus on masturbation and reading erotica, or [it may mean] doing a lot of internal reflection and looking at sex therapy or specific work that you want to do on yourself and your sex life,” Georgia Grace, certified sex and relationships practitioner, tells SELF. Digging into what it looks like for you can be part of the fun, especially considering there’s no one definition, and it’ll likely keep evolving over time.
One thing’s for sure: I’m now firmly in an era of putting a “solo sex life” at the top of my self-care priorities. But in order to do that, I’m having to learn how—from asking myself what I really want to achieve to finding the right resources to get me there. Here’s how you, too, can connect with your sexuality, no partner required.
1. Do a little sexual archeology.
Perhaps one of the first steps you can take is to reflect on past memories—from awkward sex ed in middle school health class to your first encounters with desire—in order to explore attitudes and messages you might have internalized along the way. Many of us may have preconceived notions of sex and bodies based on our early teachings or life experiences, Grace says, which can impact our enjoyment and pursuit of it.
Maybe you grew up thinking that touching yourself was “weird” and now never do, or believed sex was only valid within a relationship and feel disconnected from it outside of one. Reframing those unhelpful, dated narratives or old stereotypes might be a longer journey, but getting curious can help you reconnect with the idea that sex is worthy of your time and effort, whether or not someone else is involved.
“It’s about unpacking some of those bigger things and asking yourself, ‘What do I think about sex, what was I taught about sex, and how do I feel about it?’” Grace explains. “Then think about which ideas are your own and which you can examine and challenge.”
2. Start a solo sex journal.
Digging through your sexual history can unearth some pretty enlightening stuff—but don’t stop there. Journaling gives you space to process not just where you’ve been, but where you are now and what you want next. Maybe that means reflecting on recent experiences or scribbling about new fantasies. Or it might look like setting specific goals, like reaching orgasm more consistently, working through anxieties, building confidence, or simply making space for more pleasure in your routine.
If full-on goals aren’t for you, Grace still recommends journaling about why establishing a solo sex life is important to you specifically. For example, she says, “some people might be doing it because they feel trauma and want to feel safe in their body again, and will find that starting on their own is really safe and accessible.” This has been the case for me personally, along with a desire to reconnect with my sexuality after years of being single and not having regular partnered sex. For others, it may be about reconnecting with the body or simply feeling good! Whatever your motivations, writing in a dedicated journal can help you make sense of them.
3. Curate your own sex ed.
I don’t know about you, but my early sex education left a lot out. As I remember it (shoutout to the early 2000s), most of the focus centered around periods, pregnancy, and how not to get an STI. If your education was similarly fear-based or overly clinical, there’s a decent chance you entered adulthood without ever having real conversations about pleasure, consent, or anything outside a heteronormative script. So satisfying solo sex can involve working in some resources that actually teach you things you’d want to know as a grown up, whether that’s refreshing your knowledge on important anatomy, understanding how arousal even works, or getting more comfortable communicating your wants and needs.
4. Create a ritual to get in the mood.
One of the biggest barriers in enjoying an active solo sex life for me was finding the motivation to create one in the first place. I wanted to in theory, but cultivating actual desire? That was always a struggle when I’m not actively dating or having sex with another person. According to the experts I spoke with, one of the most important steps is setting aside enough time and space to allow for arousal. For that reason, sex therapist Viviana Coles, DMFT, is an advocate for dating and courting yourself as part of the lead-up to sexually pleasuring yourself. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the brain is the largest sex organ,” Dr. Coles tells SELF. “So if you really want to make the most of it and have a quality solo pleasure session, you want to engage your brain.”
Grace describes this process as “creating a context for our desire to thrive,” which should include seeking “sensual, sensory pleasurable experiences” that aid in our pursuit of arousal—and beyond. “For some, that may mean taking a nice bath, lighting a candle, having a glass of wine, doing some breathing exercises, or applying body lotion—essentially, creating a space and going through foreplay with yourself,” she explains.
5. Explore erotic content that actually turns you on.
Gone are the days when mainstream porn was the only resource for sexual pleasure—and honestly, thank god. These days, your options—from visual and audio material to innovative sex toys—are seemingly endless.
You may want to explore ethical porn sites such as FrolicMe (which, fun fact, was founded by Richards) and Erika Lust, or audio erotica like Bloom Stories (one of my favorites), Dipsea, or Quinn. If you’ve struggled to connect with porn (in all its forms) in the past, you might prefer a more personalized option like Dr. Coles’s guided self-discovery (slash masturbation) tool, My Vivid Fantasy. Her “create your own fantasy” quiz asks you a series of in-depth questions to determine what you find sexy as well as what may turn you off. At the end, you’ll have the option to have your very own bespoke audio or written erotica created.
Don’t be afraid to think outside the box if traditional resources don’t work for you. Spicy books have been a solid pick for me personally, particularly romantasies like A Court of Thorns and Roses, Fourth Wing and Quicksilver. That said, if you’re hoping to tap into them as erotic material, try to save them for when you actually have the time and space to really get in that headspace. As Dr. Coles points out, when we read or listen to smut during mundane tasks like housework or a subway commute, it can start to feel like background noise—making it harder to access that same spark when we do want to read for, ahem, pleasure.
6. Change up how you masturbate.
If you’ve succeeded in creating a context for your desire to thrive, the next step is to learn to masturbate really well. And despite what you may have been led to believe about climax being the be-all, end-all, this is not always about seeking an immediate high. “Whether it’s reading, watching, or listening to something, it’s not just about the orgasm but the pleasure overall,” Grace says.
To focus less on release—or just to simply to savor the buildup—try switching up the way you’d usually touch yourself; Richards suggests giving yourself a full body massage, followed by a touch session “stimulating lesser-known places like the nipples, lower belly, and inner thighs before moving to the genitals.” Apps like the aforementioned Ferly can take it from there if you prefer a little guidance.
You might also try expanding your toolkit to experiment with new sensations or focus areas. That could mean introducing news toys—whether you're curious about G-spot toys, butt plugs, wands, or clitoral vibes—or bringing in (the right kind of) lube. If you prefer convenience or privacy, you can always buy online, but Richards notes that shopping IRL is a fun way to get a new perspective. “Go to a feminist, woman-owned, or boutique sex toy shop and ask them about the products they recommend and how to use them,” she suggests.
7. Seek further guidance if you need it.
If you’ve been struggling to connect with your sexuality or build the kind of solo sex life you want, there’s no shame in needing further support. Speaking with a therapist can be a helpful step toward working through whatever could be getting in the way, whether that’s a provider who specializes in sex or simply one you feel safe opening up to. Dr. Coles recommends reaching out when you keep running into something that’s blocking your way forward—maybe anxiety, shame, past experiences, or simply not knowing where to start—especially if it’s been happening for longer than six months.
“When you know what you want, you’ve tried to get there, you’ve done the research, and you just can’t make it happen for yourself, reach out for help,” Dr. Coles says. Because no matter where you are in the process, it’s worth figuring out what works for you.
Original article appeared on SELF
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