If you’re on the lookout for tips for a long-lasting relationship that will ensure a strong bond, you’d best take advice from Dr Jacqueline Olds and Dr Richard Schwartz, two Harvard-trained couples therapists, who’ve been married to each other for almost 50 years. It’s safe to assume that they know a thing or two about what it takes to make a relationship a success. This doesn’t necessarily entail the public tags of “power couple”. Instead, they believe the magic lies in the small things — like apologising when you’re wrong, making sure to never undermine one another, and to never take them for granted.
“When couples come to us for therapy, they often arrive with a laundry list of what the other person could do better and how they ought to show their love. Each person feels like they’re under attack, like they’ve flunked the test of being a good partner… The happiest and most successful couples know how to speak to each other with kindness, love and consideration. Their secret? They never do five things,” the doctor-couple writes in an article published on CNBC. Here’s what they have to say.
5 things you must never do if you want a happy, long-lasting relationship — according to Harvard-trained couples therapists
1. Don’t let your ego come in the way of apologising
“If you get into an argument with your partner, the sooner you can apologise, the better”.
While you may be tempted to deliver the cold shoulder treatment until one of you breaks, don’t let the anger and resentment fester. If you’re in the wrong, leave your ego behind and apologise. Make nice. The longer you wait it out, the harder it’ll be to communicate.
2. Don’t be condescending
“In the grand scheme of things, not undermining them — even for something seemingly as small as forgetting what restaurant we went to — is more important than being “right”.”
Undermining your partner in public, passing a condescending comment — all “harmless fun” to you — can lead to the development of mistrust and resentment in your relationship. Your better half might feel dismissed and not respected, and in turn, begin to lose faith in you in having their back.
3. Don’t stop making real efforts
“The fact of the matter is, relinquishing an effort to be kind and loving to your partner under the banner of being your true self doesn’t lead to a more genuine relationship, just a nastier one.”
Honeymoon periods are meant to end. The real work begins after, when you’ve settled into, and memorised each other’s routine — down to the most mundane of chores. But the minute you start taking each other for granted, things start to go downhill. Your partner may start feeling like you make more efforts for everyone else but them. You may get annoyed with this accusation, and insist that you’re just “being yourself” and that they “knew what they were signing up for”. According to Olds and Schwartz, that’s not good enough. Any real relationship takes effort on both sides, whether you’ve been together six months, six years, or, for the truly lucky, 60 years.
4. Don’t be stingy with your compliments
“If you have a positive thought about your partner, don’t keep it to yourself. Say it out loud. Be genuine and be specific in your compliments. It really does make a difference in how you see yourselves and each other.”
You may be secure enough in each other to know that you each think the world of another, but even then — it’s important to say the words. Simple statements like “I adore you”, “You look beautiful”, “You are so kind and wonderful”, “I am so lucky to be with you” can all do wonders to keeping a relationship happy and fulfilling.
5. Don’t play the waiting game
“By far, the biggest mistake couples make when they are in conflict is getting into a game of emotional chicken.”
The longer you wait for a fight to naturally thaw, the more cracks there are to seep in. Have you heard the saying: never go to bed angry? It’s up to both partners to present a safe space for the other to speak and be heard and seen, and to remember that while arguments will always happen — it should be bereft of any emotional mind games.
Originally published on GQ India.
