You can always tell what stage you’re at in the dating process depending on how anxious you feel. According to my friend, let’s call her Ursula, it usually peaks somewhere around date five. “That’s the insanity phase,” she recently declared over a glass of chilled Chablis in the spring sunshine. “Because you know there’s a connection, but you’re not sure what it means yet. Like, are you exclusive? Or are you just dating? Are you coming off the apps? Or are you lining them up for 3am booty calls? And what’s the difference?”
The trouble is that, at that point, it’s still too early to have the “what are we?” conversation. “You don’t want to scare them off,” continued Ursula, fresh from a fifth date with someone she’d met in a supermarket (yes, really). “You have to do it at the right time, otherwise you could risk ruining the whole thing.” I asked what happens until the right time comes. Ursula sighed and, after taking a sizeable gulp of wine, replied: “You just go quietly mad.”
In the good old days, none of this ambiguity existed. Sure, the course of true love never did run smooth, but I’ll bet it was a hell of a lot less wriggly before the internet poisoned our brains. There was a time when dating was a straightforward process, one with clear checkboxes and benchmarks not dissimilar to a grad scheme. You meet, go on a few dates and boom: mortgage, marriage, golden retriever. That’s what my 82-year-old grandmother tells me every time I tell her I’ve met someone, anyway.
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“So, you’ve got a boyfriend?” she’ll ask before getting confused when I reply that I do not. “But you have a man you’re going on dates with?” Yes. “Well, why isn’t he your boyfriend?” I always try explaining it doesn’t work that way anymore, but the more I say things like “we’re just feeling it out”, the more I feel like I’m justifying Ursula’s aforementioned state of quiet madness.
Dating is in desperate need of some good PR right now. Everywhere you look, there are single people in states of despair – I’m one of them. We complain about everything from the shortfall of emotionally available men to the surfeit of avoidant ones who lie to their therapists. But rarely do we talk about how dating trajectories have transformed. And according to a new study, that’s where we’ve been going wrong.
The way people date has radically changed in recent years. A report published in the journal Personal Relationships found that there are officially four stages to modern relationships: flirtationship, relationship potential, official and then, finally, commitment or bust. Conducted by a group of psychologists at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, the research was based on surveys of more than 250 college students aged 18-29 in 2012 and 2022.
“Young adults clearly distinguish dating from being in a relationship,” said Brian Ogolsky, professor of human development and family studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. “In our study, we used the term ‘relationship development’ to describe the activities we were investigating, but it became clear that participants did not view early behaviours as part of being in a relationship per se. Instead, they viewed flirting and even dating as part of a broader pattern of interpersonal interaction that may or may not eventually lead to the formation of a relationship.”
In other words, while people used to date for “the one”, pursuing marriage in a bid to secure resources and establish oneself in society, now they date just to date. And while that’s ultimately a good thing and the sign of a more liberated society, it’s also the reason why forming a romantic relationship can feel like a Sisyphean task.
“We’re in this strange space where we crave deep, intimate relationships but are terrified of rejection, the unknown or choosing wrong,” says dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar. “We want certainty but a lot of us don’t trust ourselves enough to slow down and build that safety, so we either avoid connection altogether or rush in, only to crash and burn.”
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As a result, those earlier phases of dating are less like checkpoints than they are strange limbo lands, with no clear exits. Take the flirtationship stage, which the study defined as feeling those initial sparks of attraction with someone. Maybe you slide into each other’s DMs from time to time, exchanging memes and flame emojis. Perhaps you discuss the idea of meeting up, even going so far as to send a list of dates when you’re free. You might even hang out a few times.
“I’ve had about 10,000 flirtationships,” says Milly*, 32. “It’s constant Instagram DMs and flirty messages, which makes you think it’s on. But then nothing ever really happens. And you can’t call it out because you’ll sound crazy.” One of Milly’s flirtationships did take it further by asking her out for dinner, but he specifically didn’t call it a date. “The plan never materialised. But he’d still flirt with me over message or whenever I saw him all the time. It’s hard because I love flirting and think it’s fun but it can make things confusing when it doesn’t go anywhere.”
This is a common experience among my single friends, one of whom has someone who constantly flirts with her despite the fact that he’s in a long-term relationship. “I lap it up,” she tells me. “And just end up clinging onto the hope of something happening even though I know he’s never going to break up with his girlfriend. But the flirting continues.”
It’s not hard to see how this could drive you crazy. And while the obvious explanation is a fear of commitment, Zohar believes it’s more complicated than that. “It’s because most people haven’t developed the self-awareness to move beyond these kinds of relationships,” she says. “The flirtationship stage feels exciting but low-stakes. It gives us just enough connection to feel wanted, without the vulnerability that deeper intimacy demands.” Unfortunately, for all the jaded, avoidant and broken-hearted people out there, this is kind of the ideal scenario. Hence why they continue seeking it out, often at the expense of other people.
That said, flirtationships can obviously progress to the second stage that Ursula and I discussed: “relationship potential”. It’s here where you look at whether this is someone you actually want to be with by spending more time together, integrating each other into your friendship circles, and seeing if things can move forward. Again, this is where a lot of people get trapped, either out of boredom or a compulsion to self-destruct.
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“It’s where self-abandonment kicks in,” says Zohar. “People start performing and trying to be chosen instead of being authentic. They think they’re playing it cool but really they’re disconnecting from themselves to avoid rejection. Instead of leaning in, they ghost, withdraw, or chase someone who reactivates old wounds because that feels familiar, and familiar feels safe.”
Getting to the third stage, the official relationship, is possibly the hardest progression of them all. Forget about vulnerability, it feels juvenile to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend. Hence why most people don’t do it. I tested this theory recently with a bunch of my married friends over dinner. One said her partner just drunkenly called her his girlfriend and from then on, she was. Another said her siblings just started using the term “boyfriend” and eventually she did too. And while one did ask, it was right after she’d been sick in his hands. “I guess you’re my girlfriend now,” he’d said while washing his hands. I’m not sure that counts.
TikTok relationship lore will have you believe that if you’ve been dating someone for three months or more and you’re still not official, you’re in trouble. Clinging to this narrative is part of what’s keeping so many of us stuck. “Forming a committed relationship is not just about timing or interest, it’s about capacity,” says Zohar. Some of us just take longer to reach that capacity than others.
For those who make it to the fourth and final stage: “commitment or bust”, congratulations are in order. You’re out of the grey zone. Whether your relationship goes the distance or not is irrelevant because by this point, you’re finally free from uncertainty. However long it took you to get there won’t matter. “Ultimately, the fact that we’re slowing down and making more conscious choices is a huge win,” says Zohar. “We’re no longer rushing into relationships out of proximity or pressure. Emotional health, compatibility, and communication are finally part of the dating conversation. That’s progress.”
Entering into a relationship is always going to be a risk, however long it takes you to get there. And while navigating your way through the different stages is part of what makes it so maddening, it’s also what makes it so special when you’re finally out the other side.
At least, that’s what I’ll tell myself when my next anxiety attack hits.
* Name has been changed.
Original article appeared on British Vogue
