When ADHD affects your relationship

You know what makes dating even more of a hellscape than it already is? Trying to connect with other people when you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Just ask Beth Booker, 34, from Naples, Florida, who didn’t know she had ADHD when she started looking for someone special. “A lot of my symptoms were red flags to people—being late, dissociating during conversations, being disorganized and messy, being impulsive, being hyperfocused on my partner in a dopamine rush,” she tells SELF. As a result, Booker had problems in her relationships from her 20s right on up until she was diagnosed with ADHD at 31.

Booker’s experience is far from unique, Jessica Stern, PhD, a psychologist with NYU Langone, tells SELF. Because the disorder largely impacts focus, you might obsess over certain people or situations, or you may not really know where to direct your attention when you meet someone you like. “A lot of people with ADHD also have sensitivity to rejection and anxiety,” Dr. Stern adds. The things that can really help you if you have ADHD—like routine and predictability—tend to be absent in budding romances. “School and work offer structure, deadlines, and somebody to hold you accountable,” Dr. Stern explains. “In a relationship, there’s no inherent structure. That’s when people start to struggle.”

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Yes, ADHD symptoms can sometimes threaten to wreck relationships, but you can take steps to ensure your symptoms don’t make the dating process more frustrating than it already is. Here’s how.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Ashley Matskevich, MD, a psychiatrist from Boston, tells SELF that if you have ADHD, you can seem rude or dismissive, even if that’s not your intention. For example, you may forget to ask your date any questions, zone out, or even interrupt them when they finally get the chance to speak.

While it’s perfectly fine to keep your diagnosis under wraps, it helps to acknowledge that those behaviors are happening. “If you’re worried about running late for a date, say that,” she explains.

“It doesn’t have to be a disclosure of ADHD, but you can make a bit of a self-deprecating remark about yourself to make it clear that this isn’t you not caring about this person.” If your date knows you’re not coming from a place of disrespect, or even indifference, it really helps. “It may seem like [you] don’t care, when really, this is a neurocognitive problem,” Dr. Matskevich says.

Dr. Matskevich says that structure, even in these early dating stages, can also be a game changer. “It’s all about having a system,” she explains. “That can be as simple as marking on my calendar that I’m going on a date, or even setting a reminder to do something as small as remember to text a person back.”

Consider being up-front with your crush fairly early on.

If and when you’re ready to talk about your ADHD, you could consider saying something like this:

I wanted to mention that I have ADHD. It’s something that I’m working through, but I’ve noticed that my symptoms can affect my relationships from time to time (like when I do X or Y). I really like you, which is why I wanted to let you know, and it’s totally okay to call attention to these things if you see them happening.

“It’s not something you need to be embarrassed about or even make into a big deal,” Dr. Stern stresses. “That being said, you should only share when you feel comfortable. And if you're struggling to figure out how to say it or what to do, this is where you can talk to a professional.”

“The clearer and sooner someone can portray that to a partner the better, which is true of any condition, physical or mental. That in and of itself is an act of intimacy,” Dr. Matskevich adds.

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If you’re getting serious, try to really solidify that structure and communication.

Once you start getting a bit more committed with a person, and they’re aware of your diagnosis, Dr. Stern says that adding some routine to your romance can keep everyone on the same page—and potentially help to avoid conflict. “That might mean every Saturday morning you do your laundry then you go grocery shopping, or whatever it might be,” she explains. “Find tools you can use together—calendars, alarms—to make the two of you accountable for certain tasks.” Booker says that she and her partner (who also has ADHD) have a bunch of lists that help keep them organized and accountable to one another. And again, communication has been key: “We’re mindful of actively listening to each other’s concerns, not interrupting, and not getting defensive,” Booker explains. “We’re clear on our boundaries and expectations.”

Make sure to take care of yourself too.

As Dr. Stern points out, ADHD is like any other health issue. A person with asthma sometimes uses an inhaler, and someone with high cholesterol might take statins. Similarly, if you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, certain interventions can keep your symptoms at bay—and ensure they don’t meddle with your personal life. Dr. Stern runs a dating and relationships clinic for people with ADHD and notes that in addition to medication, regular therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT (which helps you reframe your thinking patterns), can help soften the impact your symptoms might have on social interactions or help you feel more in control as you navigate the whole relationships thing.

Worth noting: A lot of stimulants, which are some of the most commonly prescribed treatments for ADHD, are designed to be effective for certain periods (like the work or school day, or when you need to be productive), Dr. Matskevich says. That could leave the end of the day—which tends to be prime time with spouses, partners, or even dates—a little less regulated, she says. “These meds can be really effective in treating ADHD, but there has to be a concession that the treatment is going to taper off in the evening hours.” However, she stresses that having systems in place can help offset this. You can also talk with your doctor, who might recommend a long-acting formulation that extends a little further into the evening or add another dose later in the afternoon.

Remember, it’s not you—your brain is just a little different.

As both Dr. Matskevich and Dr. Stern reiterate, ADHD is a manageable disorder that a lot of other folks deal with. That’s really important, because so many people with the condition live with some level of shame and embarrassment, Dr. Stern says. “Whether or not a person knew they had ADHD as a child, they might have been labeled as lazy or dumb when that wasn’t the case,” Dr. Stern says. Research has shown that people with undiagnosed ADHD in adulthood often struggle with self-esteem issues, stress, and anxiety. “This mentality can be internalized at a very young age,” Dr. Stern notes.

Just remember that, if you’ve had it your entire life, you’ve likely got some special skills that those without it might lack, Dr. Matskevich says. “This person has had to put a lot of time and thought into how to manage their life,” she notes. “And that, innately, is translatable, and often beneficial, to a relationship.”

“ADHD can be kind of a superpower,” Booker says. “When you have processes and treatments in place to manage it, you can lean into the advantages. Learn your symptoms and embrace them for what they are, so you can recognize the healthy and unhealthy patterns that present themselves. Once you can grasp that, you’ll be able to be open with your partner about what you struggle with.”

Original article appeared on SELF