A well-meaning friend or tough-loving parent has probably already lectured you about the obvious don’ts of surviving a breakup. Don’t stalk their socials. Don’t rush into a new relationship. And definitely don’t hook up with your ex. But in the fog of heartbreak, it’s often the subtler, deceptively comforting habits—the ones that seem productive in the moment—that quietly sabotage your healing.
“We’re taught how to love people, but not how to let them go,” Radisha Brown, LCSW, owner of iThrive Therapy in Augusta, Georgia, and author of Girl Let Him Go: How to Heal from a Painful Breakup to Love Again, tells SELF—which is why it’s so tempting to try anything offering some semblance of comfort.
While there’s no expert-backed playbook for getting over your ex ASAP, avoiding a few common post-breakup mistakes can at least keep you from dragging out the pain longer than you need (or deserve) to. Here are the surprisingly sneaky ways you might be self-sabotaging your recovery.
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1. You don’t open up about the breakup.
Maybe you’re worried that the end of yet another relationship means you’re a bad partner (or person). Or admitting out loud, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore,” makes the split too official…. Like once you tell people it’s over, then there’s really no turning back. (And that’s not something your fragile heart can handle right now.) Whatever the reason, you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself—or maybe even don’t share the news at all.
Sure, that might feel safe or convenient during the early, raw days post-separation. The problem with toughing it out alone, though, is that a lot of people will continue to isolate themselves for weeks, Brown says, whether out of embarrassment, fear, or pride. And so you miss out on all the support from others that could be making your recovery way more manageable: A good friend, for instance, can offer perspective and validation you may not be able to give yourself. A therapist can teach you ways to process betrayal or grief in ways that journaling alone can’t.
What to do instead: You don’t have to broadcast your single status to everyone in your life (or in the group chat). But leaning on even one or two trusted people—friends, family, a mental health professional—can help you feel less alone, Brown says.
If you get teary-eyed just thinking about opening up, try using a line like, “Hey, I’m going through a breakup right now and don’t want to get into the details yet, but I’d love your support when I’m ready.” That baby step can be enough to open the door to outside help without feeling overwhelmed.
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2. You fill every hour of your day with distractions.
Compared to bed rotting with Ben & Jerry’s, throwing yourself into work or saying yes to every invite sounds like productive, healthy progress. After all, being busy is better than being broken…right?
“These coping mechanisms may feel good in the moment, but doing it too often will only distract you from the pain,” Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma, California and author of Joy From Fear, tells SELF. In other words, “They don’t actually heal the pain”—which requires you to sit with your emotions and accept what happened. Otherwise, sooner or later, the heartbreak will catch up to you months, even years after the split, often when you least expect it.
What to do instead: It’s still a good idea to keep yourself busy—go out more, meet new people, dive into your favorite hobbies. And if Sunday nights tend to hit the hardest, strategically planning hangouts with friends that day is a smart move to fill the void.
But balance is key here, meaning you’ve got to also make room to sit with your feelings. “Build in something I call cry time,” Brown says. Basically, it’s your window to wallow about what you’ve lost and grieve the future you thought you’d have together. “Even just 15 minutes works,” she adds. “It’s enough to tell your brain, ‘Hey, it’s okay for me to feel certain things,’ but short enough where your emotions aren’t getting out of control to the extent that you can’t pull them back.”
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3. You’re waiting for the “perfect” closure to move on.
According to Dr. Manly, lots of people cling to the belief that one final satisfying conversation with their ex will make it easier to move on for good. Then, there would be no more pain, resentment, or lingering “what ifs”—which explains why so many of us might drag out texts, say goodbye a million different ways, or hold off on dating again just in case they finally want to talk things through.
But waiting on someone else to give you resolution holds you back for a few reasons. For one, your ex might not be willing (or in the right headspace) to provide the answers you want. (And as frustrating as it may be, they don’t technically owe you that.) There’s also the reality that even the most thoughtful response to “Why didn’t we work out?” won’t erase complicated emotions like confusion, sadness, or grief.
What to do instead: Start by acknowledging that you don’t need their side of the story to feel better. In fact, you can find closure for yourself, both experts say. As SELF previously reported, that can mean figuring out your own reasons for why the relationship ended—maybe you were mismatched in communication, leading to more conflicts than compromises. Or the fact that they ghosted is your answer. (Wouldn’t your ideal match have been considerate enough to have a face-to-face chat?) As you work through the questions you still have, you might just discover that your ex’s perspective doesn’t hold as much power in your healing journey as you thought.
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4. You’re replaying the pain, not processing it.
So often we rehash the same last fight, dissect their final text, and ask our friends again and again, “Was I the problem???” At first, that kind of reflection can feel useful—a way to make sense of what happened. But when you find yourself constantly rereading your ex’s last text in search of hidden meaning or spinning out over what could have saved your romance, you’re not gaining clarity anymore, Dr. Manly says: You’re just torturing yourself.
Not to mention, this coping mechanism isn’t exactly productive, since you’re prioritizing details you can’t change (or don’t have the answers to) over your pain right now. So instead of moving forward, you stay stuck in the past.
What to do instead: Don’t just replay specific situations. Focus more on how those moments made (or make) you feel, Dr. Manly suggests. Were you hurt by how blindsiding the breakup was? Angry because they didn’t communicate their frustrations earlier? Resentful because they moved on quickly? “This is an ideal way of using a breakup to understand what’s going on inside of you,” Dr. Manly explains. “So you can learn and grow from the experience.”
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5. You’re spending more time explaining their actions than healing from them.
You dedicated months or years to loving this person, so it makes sense if you don’t want to paint them as a heartless villain—which is often why people end up defending their ex a little too much. When your friends remind you how often they lashed out unfairly, you might be quick to say, “I know, but that’s how he was raised.” What about their controlling behaviors? “Well, it’s not their fault—they have an anxious attachment style!”
But there’s a fine line between empathizing…and bending over backwards to justify someone else’s hurtful behaviors (even if they’re unintentional). Because over time, Brown says that excusing the way your SO treated you (and chalking it up to their past) will chip away at your self-worth—not to mention, it takes the focus off what you need and deserve.
What to do instead: Instead of dissecting their motives or childhood wounds, shift your attention to the actual impact their actions had on you, Brown says. That might mean responding to thoughts like, They didn’t mean to hurt me; they’re just bad at communication! with something more grounding, like, Even if it wasn’t intentional, I still felt abandoned. It might also help to keep a mantra handy for when your brain does jump to their defense: Their past explains why they acted the way they did, but it doesn’t justify it.
This perspective shift gently turns the spotlight back on your growth, your healing, and what you need—rather than staying stuck and trying to decode or defend somebody else.
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