You don’t have to know every detail of your friend’s relationship to sense that something’s…off. Maybe your bestie shrugs off her partner’s frequent texts like they’re no biggie (“He just worries when I don’t immediately respond!”) or always has some story about their latest “silly” fight. Or perhaps they just don’t seem like themselves lately—more defensive, less upbeat, or uncharacteristically silent in the group chat. From the outside, it doesn’t look great—but does that mean you should do something?
For glaring red flags like physical violence and overt manipulation, the next steps often seem more clear-cut: Step in. Speak up. Get them help. But when you’re dealing with sketchy, jerkish, or inconsiderate behaviors that your friend doesn’t deserve—but that don’t line up with classic signs of physical or emotional abuse—figuring out how (or if) you should get involved gets complicated. You might tell yourself it’s not your business or worry you’re overreacting. What if they’re fine behind closed doors? But also…what if they’re not?
“It’s a tricky situation,” Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT, a licensed therapist in Boca Raton, Florida and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships, tells SELF. “The last thing you want is for your friend to distance themselves because you’re being critical of their relationship. But then again, you might be seeing something they maybe don’t, especially if they’re caught up in the romance.”
As uncomfortable as these conversations can be, approaching them with care and compassion is key. Here’s how to help a friend in a toxic relationship—without turning it into a “your partner sucks!” roast session.
1. Ask for permission before offering advice.
Even if you’re coming from a good place, a random “You deserve better than someone who’s using you,” may land more as an insulting judgment than a caring heads-up. Instead, “It’s best to ask permission first before you give feedback,” Angela Sitka, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California, tells SELF—ideally, when they’re already opening up about their relationship.
Try feeling out the vibe first with a line like, “I’m only saying this because I care about you, but I noticed a few things about your partner—would you be open to hearing me out?” This gives your pal a heads-up (or the opportunity to suggest a better time), so your “intervention” becomes more thoughtful, mutual, and way less blindsiding.
2. Skip the dramatic insults and be specific about what you noticed.
Sweeping generalizations about how your friend’s partner is “toxic” or “awful” aren’t exactly helpful. A more productive way to get your message across, both experts agree, is by pointing out something specific you witnessed (or that they mentioned) without adding your own commentary.
The key is to keep it as neutral as possible. This might sound like, “You mentioned a few times that Andrew won’t let you hang out with us—is this something you’re okay with?” rather than “Ugh, he’s so jealous and controlling!” Another example: “I noticed you were upset about your last fight. Do you want to talk about it?” versus “You two are clearly unhealthy for each other!”
3. Try your best to listen without judgment.
When your friend rants about their SO’s red flags, your knee-jerk response might be “Why do you put up with this?” or “Now you finally see what I’m seeing!” But if you want to be there for your bud, the best thing you can do is set aside your criticisms for now and focus on listening and validating your friend.
“You could start by reflecting part of what they say: ‘Oh, so you’re worried about this behavior. Can you tell me more about that?’” Feuerman suggests—which is way more useful than dogpiling insults about their partner’s bad attitude or rude sense of humor. “You’re being curious and getting a sense of their perspective while honoring their experience,” she adds.
4. Don’t tell them what to do—but remind them you’re there for them.
No matter how much you beg your friend to dump that asshole, the hard truth is: You can’t make that decision for them. Leaving is something they have to choose on their own (which is exactly what makes this kind of situation so tough to watch from afar).
Still, there are ways to show up. Even just reassuring them, “You can always stop by my place if you need somewhere to stay—no questions asked,” or “Whenever you need to talk or rant, I’m here,” can go a long way. “You’re keeping the door open while letting them know they have the autonomy to make their own choices about their relationship,” Sitka says—a much-needed lifeline for anyone who may be feeling stuck or alone.
Of course, it’s a different story if you’re worried about their physical and/or emotional safety. Trust your gut—even if they say they’re fine, abuse isn’t always visible, and people might hide what’s truly going on out of fear, shame, or uncertainty. In these cases, it’s okay to be more direct: Let them know you care and that you’re concerned for their safety. From there, you might gently encourage them to explore professional support, access sources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or make a plan for what comes next. (For more tips, this guide has expert-backed advice on supporting a friend in an abusive relationship.)
Ultimately, knowing how to help a friend in a toxic relationship isn’t necessarily about saying the perfect thing or solving it for them—it’s about showing up, listening without judgment, and reminding them they’re not alone.
Original article appeared on SELF
