Anyone who’s perpetually stressed about how things get done or thrives off a clear plan has probably been told to loosen up and learn how to be less controlling. Thanks to its loaded connotation, taking charge is often seen as toxic and manipulative (which, for the record, it can be). But assuming you’re not actively coercing, intimidating, or otherwise harming anyone, does double-checking every detail—or pushing for things to be done Your Way—automatically make you some power-hungry tyrant?
Generally, “it can be helpful to view controlling behaviors as reactions to feeling some type of fear,” Annabelle Dortch, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—specifically, “a fear that sounds like, ‘If I don’t handle this, no one will.’” You might micromanage your coworkers, for instance, because you’re anxious about a high-stakes project falling apart. Or repeatedly check in with your partner about their social media habits because you’re afraid they’re cheating on you.
Essentially, you could be managing people (or situations) in an attempt to make life safe and predictable. But as you might expect, bossing others around or worrying about matters outside your influence can strain your relationships, not to mention leave you mentally exhausted, Dr. Dortch points out.
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That’s why it’s so important to let go of this overwhelming urge to control—and find healthier ways to feel secure. Here’s how to loosen that grip and go with the flow, according to experts.
1. Get curious about what’s driving you to take charge.
Chances are, you’re not just born with a tight grip or type A personality. As mentioned earlier, “there’s usually a story behind the control that goes, ‘If I don’t X, then Y,’” Dr. Dortch says. Maybe you were the oldest in the family, burdened with emotional and financial responsibilities from a young age—and that’s why you believe that if you don’t handle everything, then it’ll fall apart. Or your need to call the shots stems from a shaky self-esteem: If you’re not the “leader,” then people will see you as useless or incompetent.
The first step in learning how to be less controlling, then, is to consider where this urge is coming from. But “what’s most effective here is to swap criticism for curiosity,” she says. So notice when you’re about to hover over your partner’s phone, for instance, but don’t judge yourself for being “clingy” or “insecure.” Instead, ask yourself: Why do I need to see who they’re texting? Do I need reassurance from them? Is there a sense of stability I’m missing in this relationship? From there, you’ll have a solid starting point for putting the expert-approved coping mechanisms below into practice.
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2. Reframe other people’s views as different, not “wrong.”
A big reason people slip into controlling behaviors is that they’re convinced only they know the best way to do things. So often, though, there isn’t just one “correct” method for planning a friends’ trip, say, or cleaning a messy apartment. It may even be the case that someone else’s approach works just as well, if not better, than yours.
“If we can lean into the idea that there’s something that we can learn from others, we can start to get curious about their perspective and why they’re doing things their way,” Sharon Martin, LCSW, a therapist based in San Jose, California, tells SELF. This can be especially hard for people struggling with control issues, which is why one beginner-friendly strategy to consider includes asking questions (“I’m curious, what’s your thinking behind that?”) before jumping straight into instructions. Another option is getting into the habit of pausing and truly listening versus immediately shutting down their ideas (“No, let’s go with what I planned”).
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3. Practice letting go of control in low-stakes situations.
Is it really worth losing your cool over a slightly messy kitchen? Or pissing off your friends for a specific dinner reservation? (Probably not.)
“We waste a lot of emotional energy or ruin relationships over things that simply aren’t that important,” Martin says, making these low-pressure moments the perfect opportunities to see what happens when life doesn’t go your way. For instance, you can try letting your partner load the dishwasher or letting someone else pick the bar for next weekend. Eventually, you’ll see that handing over the reins on small stuff isn’t as scary or life-changing as you imagined, which can make it easier to shift your energy to what really matters.
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4. Express what you want, but leave space for their input too.
On that note…it doesn’t make you inherently bossy or demanding to speak up about your preferences. What can give off that pushy vibe is how you express them.
Instead of issuing commands or making them sound like non-negotiables, soften your language. Specifically, Martin recommends that you “ask things like, ‘Would it be possible to…’ or ‘What do you think about this?’” In real life, this might sound like, “Hey, would you mind tackling those dishes before you leave for the weekend?” versus “Make sure to clear the sink before you go.” Or “I think we might run into issues with that approach—can I walk you through what I had in mind?” over “No, my suggestion works better—let’s do it like this.”
This way, you’re still being vocal about what you want while simultaneously giving the other person a choice as well. And that, combined with the other tips above, are way more productive approaches to taking charge of your life and relationships—without driving everyone around you up a wall.
Originally publsihed on SELF.
