Learning how to get better at small talk might not seem like much of a conversational superpower. Arguably everyone’s least favorite part of socialising, surface-level chitchat can be awkward, draining, and impossible to avoid—but that’s all the more reason why it’s a skill worth mastering.
Don’t get us wrong, it’s easy to dread impromptu chats when the usual openers—bonding over the weather, say, or asking about weekend plans—often feel performative, impersonal, and predictable. But it doesn’t have to be that way. “I like to say big things happen in small talk,” Matt Abrahams, MA, a strategic communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business and host of Think Fast, Talk Smart: The Podcast, tells SELF. With the right mindset, questions, and a few expert-approved hacks, small talk can lay the groundwork for some of the most meaningful connections in our lives—whether that’s making new friends, sparking a lifelong romance, or impressing the hiring manager of your dream job.
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Want to learn how to get better at small talk (and actually enjoy it)? Here’s what the best conversationalists do differently—and how they stand out, according to communication experts.
1. Prep a few intentional conversation starters.
Small talk doesn’t just happen effortlessly. Much of the magic starts before an exchange even begins, Alison Wood Brooks, PhD, associate professor at Harvard Business School and author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, tells SELF.
If you’re catching up with an old acquaintance, distant relative, or former colleague you haven’t seen in a while, take a few minutes beforehand to consider what you genuinely want to learn about them. “Think about the last time you were together or what’s been going on in their life,” Dr. Brooks suggests. “Have they been posting about a new hobby? Has their kid tried out for the hockey team? Did they just give a big presentation at work?”
You can also brush up for situations where small talk is inevitable, like before a networking event or a friend’s birthday party. According to Dr. Brooks, a few reliable conversation starters include questions that get the other person excited or optimistic. Read any interesting books lately? Do you have a favorite restaurant in this city? Any vacations you’re looking forward to? “Positive, concrete things are easy upon first impression and lead to good conversations,” Dr. Brooks says, especially compared to complaining right off the bat about the rainy weather, say, or your overpriced drink.
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2. Be observant about your environment—then comment on it.
Small talk isn’t just about what you say. It’s also about what you notice. So pay attention to what’s going on in your environment, Abrahams suggests. (What’s the crowd like? What are they wearing? How does the food look or taste?) Then put it to use! A solid conversation starter could be as simple as mentioning how beautiful the wedding venue is, complimenting the live band at a party, or laughing about how absurdly long the coffee shop line is. Chitchat is way more engaging when you’ve found real, natural things to discuss versus sticking with a bunch of rehearsed clichés that make everyone roll their eyes.
3. Throw in memorable (but natural) compliments to leave an impression.
“Good small talkers know how to make people feel comfortable and have a good time,” Dr. Brooks says. “So they might start by giving a compliment.” The key is not to force it—or else you risk coming across as if you’re being fake or kissing their ass. Luckily, being observant comes in handy here too; it helps compliments feel more effortless and specific, whether that’s, “I love your top, where did you get it?” or “Is that your dog on your screensaver? So cute—what’s their name?”
“You can also express gratitude by saying something like, ‘Thanks for meeting me—I know you’re so busy and I missed you!’” Dr. Brooks adds. These small but thoughtful comments help open the door for an easy, authentic, and positive interaction.
@leadingforward Discover the underestimated power of small talk through the insightful musings of comedian @trevornoah. This engaging discussion dives into how those seemingly trivial exchanges are the glue that binds us as humans, fostering connections in a world that often feels divided. Forget the notion that small talk is mere fluff—it's a gateway to deeper conversations and shared realities. When you bond over the weather or the day's events, you're not just filling silence; you're laying the groundwork for understanding and empathy. Unlock the hidden potential of everyday chatter and see how it can transform your interactions. Let’s shift the perspective on small talk from mundane to magnificent! #SmallTalk #TrevorNoah #Communication #Connection #SocialSkills #Empathy #Conversations #MindfulLiving #ComedyInsights #Relatable ♬ original sound - Leading Forward
4. Ask follow-up questions that invite more than one-word answers.
“Small talk is about being interested, not interesting,” Abrahams says. “A lot of us put pressure on ourselves to say something relevant or super important.” In reality, you don’t need to have a hot take on every topic or have the wildest stories in the room—a few follow-up Qs go a long way.
So what actually makes for a good one? For starters, both experts agree you should ask open-ended questions—meaning they can’t be answered with yes, no, or a couple of words. Instead, “get curious, especially about their preferences, experiences, what they dislike and like, how they’re feeling about it,” Dr. Brooks suggests. People love to feel heard, seen, and appreciated, so when you respond with genuine attentiveness, even a casual chat about everyday life can feel surprisingly personal.
Let’s say a colleague mentions visiting family this week. Don’t just say, “That’s fun!” and leave it there. Try, “What are you looking forward to most?” Maybe your partner’s friend brings up a new hobby they’re super into. That’s your chance to dig deeper by asking, “Whoa, what made you get into baking? Have you always had a talent for it?” or “What do you like most about yoga? Does it actually help you relax, or is it just a great workout?” When in doubt, you can also use Abrahams’s favorite line: “Tell me more about that.”
@askvinh Love it or hate it... the truth is small talk is the pathway to deeper connection with others. In most cases people won't go deep with you because they don't trust you. You need to warm up the conversation first with good small talk (and that's through asking better questions) before you can get to the deep stuff! And if you don't like the questions I ask, that's ok!! You can create your own set :P
♬ original sound - Vinh Giang
5. Let your personality shine by bringing your own experience into the convo too.
Of course, the best conversations aren’t one-sided Q&As. They’re balanced, which means both of you are talking, asking questions, and exposing bits of yourselves. Otherwise, the whole encounter will feel less like an enjoyable chat and more like a formal interrogation.
With that in mind, don’t be afraid to chime in with your own POV. If someone vents about the rain, for example, Dr. Brooks suggests using it as an opportunity to jump in with your own hot take (“Really? I actually find it kind of cozy!”) or even better, pivot to a more personal detail (“I used to hate it too, but now it gives me an excuse to curl up with a book”). The same goes for restaurants, shows, movies, music, or hobbies: Once they share something they’re into, both experts recommend adding your thoughts…without making it all about you. So instead of launching into a 10-minute monologue about your Love Island opinions, keep it balanced by bringing it back to them: “Wait, if you love messy reality TV, you need to watch the new season of The Ultimatum too—have you seen it?”
“Making yourself vulnerable by disclosing these details makes them much more likely to share more about themselves too,” Dr. Brooks says. And that’s the ultimate goal of good small talk: to create a genuine back-and-forth you’re actually engaged in, not some awkward formality you’re itching to escape.
Originally published on SELF.
