A lot of us have trained ourselves to expect the worst—not because we want to be pessimists, but because figuring out how to be more positive often feels like an abstract concept, tied to forced, cheery mantras.
It’s not just as simple as refusing to see silver linings. As humans, we’re actually biologically wired to have a negativity bias, Laurie Santos, PhD, professor of psychology at Yale University and host of The Happiness Lab podcast, tells SELF. That means our brains latch onto potential problems and worst-case scenarios more than the good stuff, which also explains why “even when things are objectively going well, our minds still scan for what might go wrong next,” Dr. Santos explains. Add to that the toxic positivity seen in preachy wellness blogs and Instagram infographics—the kind that claims cynicism can be fixed with a “look on the bright side!” attitude—and it’s no wonder that trying to be a more optimistic person sounds like a shallow endeavor.
But just because our brains tend to focus on the bad stuff doesn’t mean we’re doomed to be chronically pessimistic. According to experts, there are still a bunch of helpful ways to be a more hopeful (or at least less negative) person without feeling like you’re forcing it.
1. Just start with being neutral.
“You don’t have to be relentlessly or delusionally cheerful to avoid worst-case-scenario thinking,” Dr. Santos points out, since your brain’s smart enough to know when you’re faking it. Just aiming to be neutral is a solid place to start.
Instead of telling yourself, “They must be ghosting me,” for instance, try, “They haven’t responded, and that’s making me anxious. But I can’t really know for sure what’s going on.” Sometimes learning how to be more positive starts with just being a little less mean and negative.
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2. Remove absolutes from your vocabulary.
For obvious reasons, you probably already know that thoughts like “Bad things always happen to me” aren’t doing you any favours. But swinging too far in the other direction (“It’s all going to be fine!!!”) can be just as unrealistic.
“The truth is somewhere in the middle,” Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF. In other words, life can be hard, but it can also get better. So “it’s important to recognize the gray area that there’s some good and some bad,” Morin says—and the easiest way to replace black-and-white thinking is to cut absolutes like “always” and “never” altogether. Rephrase “Life never goes my way” to “Ugh, I didn’t get approved for the apartment I wanted.” Or soften “I can’t do anything right” to “I messed up, but it’s just one project.” The more you catch yourself slipping into exaggerated (and unhelpful) generalisations, the easier it becomes to adopt a logical, but also balanced, outlook on life.
3. Run an “If this happens, then what?” scenario.
Unfortunately, bad things can and do happen. You might get dumped by someone you’re falling for, or get rejected for the dream job you were definitely qualified for. But rather than shoving those “what if this goes terribly” thoughts out of your head (which rarely works), Morin recommends answering them with a plan.
Let’s say your worst-case scenario comes true—you didn’t get the job. If that happens, then what? Maybe you’ll decide to reach out to your network for future referrals, or fine-tune your resumé before applying to a similar role. Either way, mapping out an “if this, then that” backup plan for any potentially disappointing setback can at least encourage you to feel less anxious, uncertain, and discouraged—and more prepared, in control, and hopeful.
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4. Revisit proof that you’ve handled worse.
Another way to shut down your inner doom, according to both experts, is actually acknowledging when you’re stuck in a shitty situation…and then thinking back to the last time you made it through something just as bad (or worse). Not to ruminate on negative events, but to remind yourself you’re capable of overcoming whatever you’re bracing for.
Some starting questions to consider, according to Morin, include: How did I get through it before, and what might help this time around? Maybe it was your first real heartbreak—back then, it was unbearable, but eventually, that relationship became more of a distant memory than a fresh wound. Or think back to when you blanked during a work presentation and felt like a failure after your first Pilates class. It sucked, sure, but the world didn’t end—and these kinds of memories can be the proof you need that yes, hard moments happen, but they don’t mean everything’s doomed.
5. Get in the habit of noticing your small wins.
Without big, flashy wins to validate us (finishing a full-on marathon, say, or buying your dream home), it’s easy to overlook your progress and slip into a “nothing ever works out for me” mentality. Naturally, though, only waiting on “worthy” milestones to feel good will leave you feeling…meh most of the other times.
Instead, “take a moment each day to note at least one small thing that went okay or better than expected,” Dr. Santos suggests. Maybe your morning coffee was extra delicious, the weather was perfect after a week of nonstop rain, or your hair cooperated for once. “When we train our brains to notice what’s going right—even in chaos—it builds a more realistic foundation for a positive mindset,” she explains. Little by little, these habits slowly add up, helping you be more optimistic without forced pep talks or awkward affirmations in the mirror.
