Why “Quiet Quitting” your family might be the key to mental peace

By now you’ve probably heard something about Brooklyn Beckham’s tension with his family. For months there were unaddressed rumors that he was estranged from his parents David and Victoria Beckham. But the 26-year-old finally spoke up on Tuesday, sharing a lengthy Instagram Stories post that detailed what he says are ongoing attempts by his parents to sabotage his relationship with his wife, Nicola Peltz.

There’s been a lot of public commentary in reaction to Beckham’s posts, with people choosing sides. But no matter your opinion on Beckham’s situation, one thing is clear: Family issues are something many people can relate to.

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While Beckham decided to go public with his concerns, therapists say there’s a different option to consider: You can quiet quit your family. Here’s what it involves, plus why it’s a strategy worth mulling over if you’re struggling with family tension.

What does it mean to quiet quit your family?

Quiet quitting is a term that gained ground in the early 2020s to describe doing the bare minimum at your job. Meaning, you show up and do what you need to do without going above and beyond. People who practice quiet quitting usually set clear boundaries and stress a good work-life balance. It’s seen as a way to lower the risk of burnout without actually stepping away from the whole situation.

Quiet quitting your family uses a similar approach. “It’s taking a step back without making a big declaration,” Aaron P. Brinen, PsyD, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, tells SELF. This can mean accepting less invitations to family gatherings, sharing less with family members, or a combination of these.

There are a few reasons to consider this if you’re struggling with family issues.

Quiet quitting your family gives you a chance to decompress and think about what you want, Dr. Brinen says. “If you keep showing up to these experiences and they’re negative, you’re doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome,” he says.

But taking a step back and taking the time to think about your values in the context of family can be a helpful way to move forward, both for your mental health and your relationship with your family, Dr. Brinen says. “The benefit only comes when we reflect,” he says.

ou can reflect on your own or by talking to your support system, which may include a therapist, Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical associate professor of psychology at NYU Langone Health, tells SELF. “Try to get a sense of what it is that you’re upset about, and see if other people feel that it’s reasonable,” she says. “Some things are more objective than others.” Meaning, having your parents refuse to spend time with your partner is a clearer situation than if you just get a vague sense that your family doesn’t like them.

Quietly stepping back from your family also allows you the space to remove yourself from a tense situation without making it a huge issue, while leaving the door open to be more engaged if and when you’re ready, Dr. Brinen says. “If you don’t burn a bridge, you can keep using that bridge if you want—but you can take the tunnel instead if you prefer it,” he says. “There is value in not making a big declaration.”

How to quiet quit your family, according to therapists

The whole concept of quiet quitting is to step back a little without fully removing yourself from the situation. “You can just balance your time differently,” Dr. Brinen says. That may mean that you’ll no longer spend time with family multiple days a week, dialing it back to once a month. “You can fade out the minor things and still show up to holidays,” Dr. Brinen says.

While you’re taking space, Dr. Brinen recommends thinking about your value system, the pros and cons of your current family situation, the existing dynamic, and what you want going forward.

Dr. Gallagher also suggests thinking about how you approach your family dynamic. “You may decide that you’re not going to share as much or that you’re not going to be best friends with your family, and that’s okay,” she says. “Sometimes you don’t have to draw this harsh line in the sand. You can just protect your peace and your boundaries.”

When you’re ready, Dr. Brinen says there may be value in having a talk with your family. “Making it less about, ‘This is what I did because you’re such a jerk’ and more like, ‘Hey, this is where my head is at, this is what good I get from the family, and here are the things that could make it easier for me to enjoy these things with you,’” he says.

While you can’t control your family’s reaction to that, you can try to plan out what you will say and do next, Dr. Brinen says. “I’m always shocked at how often when people have a plan, they don’t have to use the plan,” he says. And, of course, you can quiet quit your family again if tensions go back up.

Ultimately, family dynamics can be tough to navigate, and Dr. Brinen says there’s value in talking them out with a good friend or therapist to try to figure out your feelings and the best next steps for you. “Whatever you do, it’s really important to stay in line with your values,” Dr. Brinen says. Dr. Gallagher agrees. “Not all families have to be best friends,” she says. “They can also just be the people you spend the holidays with.”

The original article appeared on SELF