A common dating pattern emerges after a few dates: things can start to feel slightly off. Nothing extreme, but there are moments that come across as a bit too intense too soon like unexpectedly deep questions about the future or a sudden shift in tone that suggests stronger feelings than anticipated. When that happens, the instinct is often to pull away.
Ending things after a one-off ick-tuation like the above isn’t necessarily a problem—you just realize they’re not for you. It happens. But if you find yourself breaking things off over and over again each time someone gets too close, you’re probably a puffer fish. Not a real sea creature—just someone who pushes people away.
Puffer-fishing is the basis of a trend popularized by Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Why Do I Keep Doing This? She learned the concept back in her 20s from her therapist: After yet another short-lived relationship ended in Morton calling it quits, the therapist pointed out that this cycle was probably a result of Morton being afraid of vulnerability. “She said, ‘You’re a puffer fish. If somebody gets too close and you start to feel vulnerable, you stick your spines out instead of communicating.’”
For Morton, puffer-fishing began with romantic relationships. But it’s a behavior that could also appear in friendships or familial relationships. Here’s all the advice you need on recognizing puffer fish tendencies and learning how to manage them—whether there’s someone in your life who keeps puffing up or you’re guilty of doing it yourself.
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What puffer-fishing looks like
Puffer-fishing can show up differently depending on the individual. But it’s most likely going to look like avoidance, explains Julie Newman, LMHC, a therapist based in New York City. “A puffer fish might not text back for a while, not reach out, avoid initiating plans, or not express curiosity in someone else’s life,” she says.
Morton says in her life, puffer-fishing manifests as ghosting or wanting to cut off communication as quickly as possible. But it might also look like being combative with someone—for example, always picking a fight when things get serious—to self-sabotage the relationship. “Puffer-fishing is really just protecting ourselves. It’s a primal instinct to make sure we’re okay,” Morton tells SELF. “We think of protection as physical, but in this case, it’s emotional. And that’s just as important.”
Puffer-fishing exists as an arm of our stress response, Morton adds—commonly referred to as the human tendency to fight or flight. “Our nervous systems are wired to look for any potential threat and ready us to take action,” she says. When Morton is faced with something bad, she runs away: flight. For more combative puffer fishes, that response might look like fight. Either way, the instinct is to push that threat away.
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Why somebody acts like a puffer fish
One key indicator for puffer-fishing could be attachment style, Newman says. Most people can oscillate between the main three—secure, avoidant, and anxious—but often tend to demonstrate one more than the others. According to Newman, avoidant attachment is closely related to puffer-fishing. “People who have avoidant attachment tend to withdraw,” Newman says. “They shut down as a way of staying safe.”
Someone might also puffer-fish based on trauma or other past experiences. “Most of my clients who act like this have learned from family or an ex-partner that closer relationships are unpredictable or mean being criticized,” Newman says. There’s a high chance these people don’t even realize they’re being a puffer fish—the need to push someone away is simply ingrained in their bodies; they notice anxiety or discomfort and feel compelled to fight or flee, then feel better once they have.
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How to get over puffer-fishing tendencies
Eliminating this behavior completely isn’t the goal. In fact, it’s okay to have your spikes out sometimes, especially around new people, Morton says. But if you want to build close relationships, it’s ultimately best to repair your mindset. So what does that look like in practice?
First thing’s first: Acknowledge your patterns.
“What drives my clients to want to change is when they feel like they’ve sabotaged a relationship with someone they really cared about,” Newman says. “It’s not until they’re really hurt by their own actions that they have a wake-up call.” It’s easier said than done, but you can start by simply labeling your emotions when they arise, according to Newman. Notice if you’ve felt this way before and when. You might realize that your puffer fish tendencies trace their roots back to one toxic ex, or even your relationship with your dad.
Morton says that even 18 years into her marriage, she’s still working on it. But she’s learned that she puffer-fishes because she’s afraid of someone disappointing or hurting her after she’s allowed them to get close to her. (Fair enough!) Knowing this, she can turn to the next step, which her therapist calls “leaning in.”
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Lean in when you want to push someone away.
Basically, it’s time to communicate—as uncomfortable as it might be. “Every time I feel the urge to puff up, I need to engage,” Morton says. She offers a recent example: After her husband said something that inadvertently bothered her, she confronted him about it directly instead of puffing out. “He apologized and explained that he didn’t mean it that way. I felt immediate relief.” As painful as this exercise can be, it shows your nervous system that safety and security really do feel better than running away.
Similarly, if a friend didn’t invite you to a group hang or hasn’t answered one of your texts, a puffer fish might feel the urge to give them a taste of their own medicine. Again: Fight this feeling. Morton says she’s learned to speak up when she feels left out. Most of the time, she discovered, there was nothing insidious going on. Rather, the friend simply didn’t think she’d want to join. “We create a problem where none had to exist,” she says.
If the thought of telling someone they hurt you feels like a gut punch, you can engage in different ways. “Clear, calm conversations about expectations or boundaries can help prevent that need to puff up,” Newman says. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a night to yourself, you can tell your partner plainly. Just mention that you’ll talk to them the next morning so they’re not left feeling like you’re running away. “Think of boundaries as a fence, not a solid wall, so you have a clear separation while still understanding what each other needs,” Newman says.
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What to do if you’re dating a puffer fish
If this behavior is familiar to you only because it sleeps on the other side of the bed, know that you can still use your own communication skills to better the relationship. “Don’t ask them if they’re upset—we’re not going to respond well to that,” Morton says. Instead, frame it as a check in. Say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit more distant lately,” or “I saw you weren’t responding in my family group chat.” See if they respond with awareness or, on the other hand, aloofness. From there, you can share your perspective (gently!) and be honest about what you’ve been experiencing. If they’re not a long-term partner or close friend and they continue to push you away after you share your truth…well, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Originally published on SELF.
