Pain feels better when there’s something you can blame it on. This is the case for all sorts of ailments – even a cut becomes more acceptable when you can identify the incriminating piece of paper – but it’s especially true for break-ups.
Indeed, it’s often easier to process a break-up when there’s a master villain behind it. Someone you can project all of your misery and suffering onto. A person whose name you can write on a piece of paper and burn in a spiritual ritual you saw on Reddit. Sometimes, that villain might be yourself. People cheat, behave badly, or break each other’s trust. In reality though, a lot of relationships just… end. We see it in pop culture all the time: Marnie and Charlie in Girls. Alexis and Ted in Schitt’s Creek. And, most recently, to a certain extent – though let’s be honest, they were hugely incompatible – Lindsay and Josh in Beef season 2.
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“I feel like it would have been easier if one of us had cheated,” admits Sarah*, 27. She recently broke up with a partner of four years after communication difficulties caused them to drift apart, a distance she says was exacerbated by her partner’s depression. “I know that’s really horrible to say, but at least that way it could have been more final; I would’ve left the relationship a long time ago.” For Sarah, it was more that she didn’t want to go on, rather than actively needing an end. This distinction can make it difficult to get over the finish line. “We didn’t have anything left in us to fight for the relationship… It is definitely the hardest break-up I’ve been through because there has been no dramatic event.”
Sometimes there is an event, but it’s still no one’s fault – those sorts of break-ups can feel especially unfair. Daria, 24, went through an amicable break-up when her visa was expiring and she had to return to Belgrade in Serbia. “A good break-up leaves you with endless scenarios in your head of what could have been because there’s nothing to cancel out the good memories,” she says. “If something bad had happened, I’d have had a reason to let go of the ideal picture I had of us. As it stands, what do I even tell my therapist? That we were good for each other, but I had to move? There is no bad narrative to grab onto.”
One aspect of a no-fault break-up that some struggle with is the idea of what could have been. “I still catch myself imagining what could have been, because I never hated that person to begin with,” Daria says. It was similar for Ben*, 31, in the aftermath of a no-fault break-up that came about post-lockdown. “We would carry on talking, meeting for catch-ups, and giving kudos to each other on Strava,” he says. “It probably delayed moving on, because while I went on dates, there was at least a year where I couldn’t help but feel restrained by my thinking that we’d still be in a relationship were it not for external factors.”
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To outsiders, the no-fault break-up might seem as though it’s come out of nowhere, making it harder to explain to friends and friends – especially when you seemed good together. “For me, it’s been both the healthiest and the most heartbreaking way to break up,” says Mike*, 37, who recently ended a long-term relationship with someone whose children he was close to. “That’s a loss that’s difficult to explain,” he adds. “I think the hardest part is accepting that a relationship can be full of love and still not be right for your future. That’s a much more complicated kind of ending to come to terms with.”
If you’re going through a no-fault break-up, Laila Hamade, a registered couples counsellor, suggests getting all your feelings out on paper. “It might help to write a list or a note every time you miss them,” she says. “I would also advise outlining clear boundaries, like deciding if and how you’re going to keep in touch, as well as whether or not you will continue to follow each other on social media. Remember that a break-up is a chance for you to seek something new, so allow yourself time and freedom to do this.”
While no-fault break-ups are their own special brand of painful, it’s worth remembering that it’ll probably serve you best in the long term. In the absence of any major betrayals or upsets, you likely won’t be left with any residual trust issues that could wreak havoc on your next relationship – and ideally, you won’t want to burst into tears at the sound of your ex’s name. Some people even become, dare I say it, friends. Or at least some version of it much later down the line.
“Five or six years after my break-up, my ex and I are still on good terms,” says Ben. “We don’t speak as often as we used to, but I’m grateful that we can be warm if we bump into one another, and send the occasional birthday message. Being kind to exes is pretty great, if you can manage it.”
*Names have been changed
Original article appeared on British Vogue
