When it comes to green flags in dating, “ambition” almost always ranks near the top. For many of us, that word conjures a specific archetype—someone with a good career, a six-figure salary, and a LinkedIn profile that reads like a highlight reel of promotions.
Ambition, drive, success—these are all valuable traits in partners and in ourselves. However, the issue is that these attributes have been flattened into something far more superficial and inaccurate, relationship experts warn. “We’ve turned ambition into shorthand for, ‘Does this person make enough money?’” Keisha Saunders-Waldron, LCMHCS, an Ohio-based therapist specializing in relationship dynamics, tells SELF. “When it’s really about whether you’re growing and living intentionally…or just drifting through life on autopilot.”
In her 20 years of practice, Saunders-Waldron says she’s seen this misconception sabotage relationships. “I’ve worked with so many couples where one person is ‘ambitious’ on paper but completely checked out and lazy at home,” she says. “I’ve also seen the reverse—rejecting partners who aren’t corporate climbers but deeply determined about raising kids thoughtfully, building community, learning new skills”—versions that matter far more than pay bumps and university degrees.
1. They show little interest in growing as a person.
“Ambition is about growth, not just achievement,” Saunders-Waldron says—meaning, it’s less about what they’ve already accomplished and more about whether they’re pushing themselves to be better.
Maybe they started going to therapy consistently after a difficult breakup in the past, or taught themselves how to cook (even if their chicken piccata still needs improvement…and more seasoning). According to Saunders-Waldron, “a person who’s invested in their own progress—even if it has nothing to do with their career—is going to be a much better partner than someone chasing promotions who hasn’t done any emotional work in their adult life.”
2. They talk about change but don’t act on it.
Anyone can want to switch jobs, move to a new city, or run a marathon. But ambition is what bridges the gap between intention and action.
That explains why those who lack it stay stuck in chronic passivity. “It’s the mindset of, ‘Oh, I’ll get to it.’ ‘I’ll work on it,’” Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, founder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “They're waiting for things to happen to them instead of taking the initiative themselves.” So they want to save money…but won’t adjust their spending budget. They hope to be healthier…yet refuse to cook at home or go for walks outside. Essentially, “there’s no action,” Bogdanovic says. “No follow-through.”
3. They can’t take feedback—or own their mistakes.
Nothing is ever their fault. Their boss is out to get them. Their ex was “crazy.” The economy screwed them over. There’s always an excuse—and very little self-reflection—whereas forward-thinkers will approach setbacks by looking inward. After processing the disappointment or confusion, “they’ll ask themselves. ‘What can I do differently?’” Saunders-Waldron says. “What can I learn from this?”—both of which reflect a willingness to improve.
4. They aren’t curious.
Ambition isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about being willing to learn, whether you’re reading about a topic you don’t know much about, asking thoughtful questions on a first date, or trying a new sport, even if you’re not immediately good at it.
A lack of curiosity, on the other hand, might look like disinterest in new perspectives and cultures or an unwillingness to challenge your own beliefs. “That kind of intellectual stagnation is a huge red flag,” Saunders-Waldron says—and has little to do with formal education, degrees, or whatever else tends to be associated with traditional “success.”
5. They resent other people’s growth.
A brief flicker of envy when someone succeeds is normal. But consistently responding to others’ progress with dismissal, denial, or defensiveness is usually a red flag, experts say.
“When you share an achievement you’re excited about, an unambitious partner dismisses or minimizes it, making you feel bad for trying,” Saunders-Waldron says. That might sound like, “Must be nice…some people just get lucky,” or “I could do that too if I really wanted” (yet never does), because your growth may be a reminder of what they feel they’re not doing, or it triggers their existing fear of falling behind.
6. They avoid discomfort.
Growth, by definition, is uncomfortable. “There are days when you’ll have a hard time eating healthy or going to the gym, and times when you don’t get the job you’re looking for,” Bogdanovic says, noting that the process of self-improvement will inevitably involve failure, awkward learning curves, and rejection.
That’s why it’s more telling to observe how someone responds to these challenges versus how they perform when things are easy—and according to both experts, a lack of ambition often reveals itself in avoidance. For example, they quit hobbies the moment they stop being easy, refuse to apply for jobs that may challenge them, or brush off work-related feedback that bruises their ego. In these cases, the result is a life that stays comfortable and stable—but ultimately, very stagnant.
Because our capitalist culture defines “ambition” through money and status, it’s easy to mistake external success for internal drive, which is why the experts we spoke with suggest reframing the question. Not just, “Are they ambitious?” but, “How do they engage in their life?” “Do they follow through on what they say they want?” “Do they take feedback and actually learn from it?”
Those are the green flags that signal your partner isn’t just driven in their life, but also capable of building something meaningful alongside you. And that, Saunders-Waldron says, “is what predicts whether someone is going to be a fulfilling, growth-oriented partner.”
Originally published on SELF.
