The ‘Plastic Bag Theory’ reveals why “Chill” guys might be the biggest red flags

In theory, everyone says they want to be with someone easygoing: The perfect man won’t argue, won’t overreact, and will just go along with whatever you want, which sounds peaceful. But lately, the internet’s plastic bag theory has been making a compelling case for why those breezy, agreeable partners can end up being the most exhausting ones to date.

The idea comes from men’s relationship coach and motivational speaker Alessandro Frosali, who compared some low-maintenance partners to, well, plastic bags in a viral video. “You don’t initiate. You don’t plan things,” Frosali declares of the plastic bag man. “You just go with the flow and wait for her to make all the plans in the relationship.” He goes on to put it more bluntly: “What that practically feels like for a woman is living with a man who has the spine of a flaccid plastic bag going down the river…. It just goes along.” Yikes.

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At first, that kind of “chill” can be alluring, “especially if you’re used to a volatile or hot-blooded guy or you’re coming out of a chaotic relationship,” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in New York City, tells SELF. “So the absence of initial friction reads as security.”

But as you might notice over time, being “easy” can, in some cases, be a convenient cover for not caring—and carrying less of the mental load. When a person has no real preferences, no urgency to decide, and no instinct to step up, that misplaced effort doesn’t just disappear. Instead, it lands on the other person in the relationship, who is suddenly booking every reservation, initiating any conversation that has to do with budgeting or whether this relationship is going anywhere, and circling back on the thing he said he’d handle—while he, like a plastic bag, merrily drifts along.

According to experts, someone can be easygoing without being passive, or flexible while also staying engaged. In other words, just because he’s chill doesn’t mean he’s detached—there’s a line. So here are the biggest red flags that someone is a “plastic bag” man, and signs of a healthier partner to look for instead.

He doesn’t take initiative.

Taking initiative doesn’t mean being controlling or rigid, Dr. Romanoff says. It just means showing effort and investment without needing to be asked. He should text first because he wants to talk. He notices when you’re upset and is mindful to bring it up before it becomes a full-blown issue.

Meanwhile, a “plastic bag” defaults to passivity. “Well, what do you want to do?” becomes less of a considerate question and more of a cop-out—one that subtly forces you to carry the mental load of deciding, planning, and caring. And that, Dr. Romanoff says, is where “easygoing” crosses into avoidance and a lack of willingness to invest in the relationship.

He doesn’t have his own opinions.

Guys who are chill in a healthy way still have preferences they’re willing to stand by, Keisha Saunders-Waldron, LCMHCS, an Ohio-based therapist specializing in relationship dynamics and attachment theory, tells SELF. They’ll (lightly) defend that their sushi takeout spot is objectively better than yours. They’ll stay loyal to their basketball team, even if it’s a rival of yours. More importantly, they’ll have a point of view about bigger things—where they want to raise a family, what they value in a career, and how they imagine a future. Not in a rigid, uncompromising way, but in a grounded, I-have-a-backbone way.

“Some men aren’t low-drama because they’re secure. They’re low-drama because they don’t have feelings about anything, which is why the second you seem unhappy with his position, he’ll abandon it,” Saunders-Waldron points out. Suddenly, he also loves the Knicks. He’s fine with moving to a city he once swore he’d never travel to. He goes with whatever keeps things smooth, which isn’t flexibility—it’s a lack of direction and identity.

He agrees easily but doesn’t follow through.

In the moment, he’s all in. Maybe he says “sure” to a weekend getaway or is open to a serious talk about moving in together. But then…nothing happens. The trip never gets booked unless you nag them (or reserve the hotel and rental car yourself). The “important conversation” somehow never gets revisited.

On the surface, those initial yeses can look like cooperation. But without the follow-through, Saunders-Waldron says they’re really just placeholders—polite enough to keep the vibe lighthearted but empty enough to piss you off.

And that’s the catch with plastic bag men, experts say. Being go-with-the-flow isn’t the same as being invested. Rather, “the chill part is how a man responds when life doesn’t go as planned—with grace, flexibility, and humor,” Saunders-Waldron says. In other words, he’s not snapping because you forgot the keys or spiraling over a last-minute cancellation. But just as important, “the proactive part is that he shows up in the first place with intention.” Because real ease comes from shared effort, not silent outsourcing where you’re essentially parenting your partner.

Original article appeared on SELF