“Pathological liar” has become a convenient insult to anyone we love to hate, from corrupt politicians to reality-show “villains.” The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is the latest example, where castmates and viewers alike are lobbing the term at Jen Affleck over earlier claims about her husband’s alleged gambling and her supposed relation to actor Ben Affleck. But what actually qualifies a person’s dishonesty as “pathological”?
Despite the popular image of someone deceitful, conniving, and cartoonishly evil, the label only applies to a very small subset of people in reality—and it comes with very specific qualifications. “It’s a behavioral pattern, not a standalone illness recognized in the DSM-5,” Christina Ni, MD, a Los Angeles–based psychiatrist and the National Interventional Psychiatry Medical Director at Mindpath Health, tells SELF. “And it isn’t simply about deception: The behavior may look manipulative on the surface, but underneath, it usually reflects deeper psychological distress and vulnerability.”
In other words, a true pathological liar isn’t necessarily someone trying to ruin your life or win every fight—which is why you should watch out for these telltale signs instead.
1. Their lies are compulsive and habitual.
Whether it’s a small white lie or a more intentional attempt at dodging accountability, everyone tells a fib now and then. But pathological lying is a near-consistent habit, Drew Curtis, PhD, associate professor of psychology at The University of Texas at Tyler and author of Big Liars: What Psychological Science Tells Us About Lying and How You Can Avoid Being Duped, tells SELF.
“We’re looking at about 9 to 10 lies a day, on average,” says Dr. Curtis, who also leads research on this topic through the Clinical Science and Deception Lab. Essentially, it’s less of a deliberate choice and more of a default, reflexive response.
2. They lie frequently, across situations and topics.
No one becomes a pathological liar in a single argument or one-off incident—despite what Demi Engemann might suggest about Affleck on the latest season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. As Dr. Curtis explains, this type of lying is a broader, chronic pattern spanning nearly every relationship, situation, and topic. That means they don’t just bend the truth with a particular frenemy or embellish their credentials to impress coworkers—a pathological liar will compulsively fib around family, colleagues, at social events, and in casual interactions with strangers alike.
3. They don’t have a clear motive.
With a term like pathological, it’s easy to assume the person must be lying for attention, power, or individual gain. But “unlike strategic lies that serve to avoid punishment or get an advantage, pathological ones provide no obvious benefit,” Dr. Ni explains.
In fact, Dr. Curtis’s research shows pathological liars are often unaware that they’re lying. So why do people do it? “To feel worthy, accepted, or in control,” Dr. Ni says. They might pretend to watch the same shows as friends or claim a favorite color they don’t actually like—relatively harmless fibs that differ from deliberate manipulation (like gaslighting during an argument) or functional lies (claiming to “love” a friend’s botched haircut or reporting a “lost” package to get a refund).
In other cases, Dr. Ni says “they might genuinely believe parts of their own false narratives,” or they learned the behavior earlier in life from parents. (That said, experts point out that more research is still needed to understand the behavior’s underlying causes.)
4. They fabricate things that are trivial and easy to debunk.
Because the habit is so frequent, pathological liars usually aren’t good ones, Owen Scott Muir, MD, a Connecticut-based psychiatrist and chief medical officer at Radial, tells SELF. “Great manipulators don’t want to ruin their ability to manipulate successfully, and getting caught would do that,” Dr. Muir explains. Whereas “pathological liars tell lies all the time, making them comically easy to fact-check.” Maybe they bragged about running a marathon (which you can easily confirm online) or gave different versions of the same story to multiple friends.
5. They’re bothered by their behaviors.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that pathological liars are perfectly content deceiving others. But “in the research I’ve done, [many] reported having remorse hours, even days, later,” Dr. Curtis explains. More specifically, “they would ruminate and question, ‘Why did I lie?’”
Yet the distress doesn’t necessarily stop the pattern. “That’s because the lie also serves a psychological function,” Dr. Ni explains. “It temporarily reduces their insecurity or fear of rejection, making it a maladaptive coping tool” that’s hard to break. But for those who are aware of their actions and hoping to change, psychologists say treatment typically focuses less on “stopping” and more on understanding what’s driving the compulsion—and developing healthier coping strategies.
“One technique we use to help people lie less is to reinforce or give attention to the behaviors we want to see more of, like truth-telling, while ignoring the lie,” Dr. Curtis says. Another is encouraging small, low-stakes honesty: for instance, saying “I got a new haircut. It’s bad, right?” It’s a notoriously difficult process, every expert we spoke with points out—but one that underscores how complex pathological lying really is, especially in comparison to the dramatic, performative examples that play out on reality TV.
Originally published on SELF.
