Knowing how to reject someone nicely is no small thing. It requires dedication, practice, and, most of all, a willingness to be uncomfortable—at least for a little bit. After all, “rejection is one of the most difficult and dreaded parts of dating,” says professional matchmaker and intervention coach Amber Lee. “No one likes to be on the receiving end of it, and it can be even harder to be the one delivering it.”
But unpleasant as it is, delivering a graceful turn-down is a major sign of maturity. “The number one default in most of us is to avoid difficult conversations because it keeps us more comfortable,” says conflict resolution specialist and leadership consultant Lauren J. Petrous. “Sure, you are a good person and you don't want to hurt someone, but the more you work on communicating clearly, the more you honor yourself by living in alignment with your values and needs, and the more you honor someone else by giving them the dignity and respect of your honesty.”
Why being clear matters
The first step to rejecting someone the right way? Understanding that the real goal is to be kind, not nice. “There’s a difference,” says Petrous. “Niceness seeks approval and comfort; kindness seeks the other person’s good.”
Think of the times you’ve been subjected to a slow fade-out. You probably wasted an excruciating amount of time checking your phone and agonizing over what went wrong; you definitely felt disrespected; and it took an embarrassing number of weeks or months to move on.
Clear communication saves the other person from going through that kind of drama. “It allows them to understand where they stand and begin to move forward,” says licensed therapist Alyssa Kushner. “Being vague or indirect often leaves room for confusion or false hope, which can end up being more painful in the long run. Being very clear and direct is an act of kindness and respect.”
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When is the right time to reject someone?
If clarity is kindness, then so too is promptness. Stringing someone along and wasting their time is selfish and rude. “As soon as you know you’re not interested, it’s best to communicate it,” says Kushner. “Waiting too long can make it harder to do and also create more feelings which will ultimately hurt the other person more.”
If you’re wrestling with whether or not you should part ways with someone, reflect on the dynamic. Is it healthy? Sustainable? “Reject someone when your values no longer align, when you’re spending more time trying to manage the relationship than being fully present in it, and when your intuition and discernment feel restless. Those are signals your body gives you,” says Petrous.
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How to decide on your rejection method
Standard break-up etiquette is that an in-person rejection is always best, but that isn’t always practical or necessary. Instead, a good rule of thumb is that “the method for delivering rejection should match the depth of the relationship,” advises Petrous.
Lee agrees: “The more someone has invested in you, the more personal the rejection should be.” If the relationship is new—say, you’ve only been on a few casual dates—it’s fine to send a polite text. However, if you’ve been on several dates or there’s an emotional investment, nothing less than a phone call or a face-to-face meeting will suffice. “In-person signals respect and honors your partner, yourself, and the relationship,” says Petrous. “You want to close chapters in your life honorably to avoid regret in the future.”
There is one caveat, however: “If the person has made you feel unsafe or they’ve exhibited inappropriate behavior, you need to protect yourself,” Petrous says. “A firm and clear text regardless of how long you dated is healthy and appropriate.”
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Tips and ideas for rejecting with kindness
In terms of what to actually say, it’s best not to over-explain. “My advice for delivering hard news with kindness is to ‘hold two truths.’ Share genuine affirmations that person brought to your life, but also be very clear with your no without diluting,” says Petrous. “Don’t over explain or apologize excessively, it muddies the water. Start with gratitude, share an appreciation, be clear and firm on what’s ending, and close with respect.”
If you’re rejecting someone via text, you can send something like:
“I enjoyed meeting up. I didn’t feel a spark between us, but I wish you the best.”
“It was fun getting to know you, but I don’t see this as a romantic connection. Wishing you all the best!”
“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t see this continuing and progressing.”
If you’re on the phone or meeting up in-person, be up-front about the purpose of the conversation. Kushner suggests starting with something like, “I wanted to talk because I respect the time we’ve shared and I want to be honest with you, but I don’t feel this is the right fit for me in the long term.”
Petrous recommends also being specific about the value this person has brought to your life: “You make me laugh and brought fun into my life when I really needed it. Thank you for that gift. But I want to respect you and myself by being clear with you that I’m not interested in continuing to date.”
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Handling their reaction with empathy
No matter how kind the delivery, rejection stings. “It can leave people feeling sad, disappointed, or defensive,” says Lee. “The best response is empathy.”
That said, it’s important to not be so empathetic that you waiver in your decision, especially if you tend to be a people pleaser. “You can’t control how they respond, but you can validate their feelings without changing your stance,” says Kushner, who recommends having the following phrase in your back pocket: “I get that this is disappointing and I understand this might hurt, but I still feel this is the right decision for me.”
Remember, being kind also means being kind to yourself. Try to hold space for the other person’s feelings without taking responsibility for them. “Someone has the right to feel emotions, but that doesn’t mean you need to fix them or that you did something wrong,” Petrous says. “Don’t personalize.”
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Can you stay friends after you reject someone?
In a perfect world we’d be friends with all our good exes and the nice people we’ve rejected, but in real life, “it really depends on mutual boundaries and whether both parties truly want a friendship,” says Kushner.
For example, if the rejected person is holding out hope for more, it’s going to be tricky to segue into friendship immediately. Also, consider your own motivations: are you trying to stay friends out of guilt or because you secretly like the validation that comes from having them around? “If you do want to pursue friendship, ensure you create space for both of you to recalibrate before rushing into it,” suggests Petrous. “If you don’t give space after a break-up, you can leave the door open for muddled emotions and confusion, which will lead to more drama and heartache down the road.”
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Is it ever okay to not be nice?
When it comes to rejecting someone nicely, compassion is always the goal—but even then, there are limits. “If someone is disrespectful, harmful, or pushy, you do not owe them politeness,” says Kushner. “In those cases, being direct, firm, and even blunt may be necessary to protect yourself.”
Remember, if someone makes you feel unsafe, you don’t owe them a thing. That can even be the one situation where ghosting is actually completely warranted. “There is a time and a place for no contact,” says Kushner. “And that’s when it comes to your safety and emotional wellbeing.”
Originally published on Vogue US.
