No matter how secure your relationship looks on paper, doubts can still creep in: What if I could do better? Is there someone else out there for me? Would I be happier if I stayed with that guy from college?
These “what if” anxieties are surprisingly common, especially if you’ve been with your partner for years or big decisions (about moving in together, say, or getting married) are on the horizon. But they’re notably different from settling, Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, co-author of It's Not Me, It's You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better, tells SELF. Settling is a specific, intended action on your part: It’s what happens when you stay in a relationship not because it’s fulfilling or compatible, but because it’s “safe,” familiar, and appears to be a better option than being alone.
So how can you tell if your current connection is holding you back from what you truly deserve? Here are a few red flags that you’re settling in a relationship, according to experts.
1. You feel like roommates, not romantic partners.
In long-term relationships, it’s normal for the initial spark to settle into a steady, predictable rhythm. But if your romance feels like it simply…exists (more “This is fine” energy than genuine excitement and happiness), it could be a red flag that you’re settling for comfort over connection, according to Bennett.
“I don’t expect there to be passion and fire every day,” Bennett explains. “There will be times when you’re just doing bills or taking the kids to school.” Still, you should look forward to the little things: winding down together after work, seeing them after a weekend apart, or planning your next monthly date night. Put simply, “there should be moments of excitement, even if it’s not the same as it was in the first six months of dating,” she says.
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2. You’re prioritizing a timeline over the actual person.
Maybe the relationship you’re in aligns with your “life plan”—you’ll be engaged to your high school sweetheart by 30, have kids by 32, buy a house by 40, etc. While there’s nothing wrong with looking forward to these milestones, it can become cause for concern when hitting them is the main reason you’re staying, Anita Chlipala, LMFT, owner of Relationship Reality 312 in Chicago and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love, tells SELF.
In this case, your ideal checklist can start to overshadow your actual happiness, which is how settling happens: You convince yourself the relationship works because it fits a plan, even if the person doesn’t fit you.
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3. You’re with them because leaving feels scarier.
Ask yourself, Why is this relationship worth it for me? If your answer centers around fear (I’m scared to be alone; I’ve already invested six years; no one else will put up with me), that’s a strong sign you’re staying for comfort and avoidance, not connection.
“I’ve had clients tell me that being with this person seemed like the logical decision. They’re like a safe choice,” Chlipala says. But in a truly fulfilling bond, your reasons should be specific to your loved one and the dynamic. For example, you might be drawn to how their ambition challenges you, or how they support your growth and make you feel seen like never before.
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4. You’re clinging to who they might become.
In other words, you’re holding out hope for who your partner could be, rather than who they are right now. Perhaps you assume that in a few years, they’ll finally become more attentive or ambitious or emotionally present. But as Chlipala points out, you’re prioritizing hope over reality, which can keep you waiting for changes that may never come rather than being with a person who meets your needs today.
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5. You’re compromising dealbreakers just to keep the peace.
“Notice if you’re filtering who you are, what you say, or how you show up,” Bennett says. Maybe you downplay your pop culture hot takes or hide certain habits (late-night snacking, your passion for gaming) just to seem more “acceptable.” On a more serious note, you might start giving up your deal breakers—like agreeing not to have kids when you actually want them, or overlooking your partner’s heavy drinking—all to keep the bond afloat. When you shrink yourself to fit someone else’s idea of “enough,” however, Chlipala says that’s a classic example of settling in a relationship.
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6. You’re more invested in “what if” than “what is.”
To an extent, it’s normal to wonder if the grass is greener. Maybe you daydream about being single again, or for a mate who’s taller, wealthier, or perhaps more athletic than your current SO. But one question Bennett asks her clients is: “Do you spend more time imagining being with someone else than actually being present in the relationship you’re in?”
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