When we picture gender-based violence (GBV), we tend to think of the physical; the bruises, hits, the obvious marks of harm. Yet long before any of that appears, something much quieter often begins to unfold. Registered Counsellor Melissa Davids notes that this is exactly why the early signs are so often missed. Here, she offers her insight to help you spot them
It Rarely Starts With a Hit
GBV often begins in places that don’t look like danger at all. It can start with charm, attentiveness, and intense affection. Over time, that affection may shift into subtle control, disguised as care:
- “I just worry about you, that’s why I need to know where you are.”
- “If you loved me, you’d spend more time with me than with your friends.”
- “Don’t wear that, people will look at you.”
These moments don’t leave marks ,but they do leave confusion.And confusion is often the first warning sign.
Manipulation: The Silent Beginning
Manipulation creates emotional instability in a relationship. It makes you second-guess yourself, your feelings, and your worth. This phase is dangerous because it feels like love mixed with discomfort.
Common early manipulative behaviours include:
- Guilt-tripping (“After everything I do for you, you’re still ungrateful.”)
- Gaslighting (“You’re overreacting, I never said that.”)
- Isolation (“Your family doesn’t truly understand you like I do.”)
- Conditional love (“I’m only acting this way because you made me.”)
These are not outbursts ,they are strategies.Strategies meant to weaken your confidence so control can grow.
Guilt: The Emotional Trap
Guilt becomes the leash that holds many women in relationships that harm them.An abuser may twist your emotions until you begin to take responsibility for their anger, insecurity, or jealousy.
You start feeling:
- responsible for their happiness
- guilty for setting boundaries
- scared to speak up
- unsure whether your needs even matter
By the time shouting or physical aggression appears, many women have already been conditioned to believe:
“Maybe it really is my fault.”
But it never is.
Why We Must Spotlight the Early Stages
Recognising GBV only when bruises appear is too late.True prevention begins with understanding the emotional and psychological patterns that escalate over time.
When we shine light on the subtle behaviours , the guilt, the control, the manipulation ,we equip women to recognise the danger before it becomes violence.
If You’re Reading This and Something Feels Familiar
You don’t have to wait for it to get “bad enough.”Your discomfort is enough.Your intuition is enough.You are enough.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, counsellor, or a local support organisation.
You deserve safety, peace, and love that does not break you down to keep you close.
A Wellness Wednesday Reminder
Empowerment begins with awareness.Awareness begins with education.And education saves lives. Let us continue breaking the silence , together ,starting with the small signs that often go unnoticed but hold the most power.
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