It’s a familiar ritual for any employee: the performance review. Your manager calls you into their office to discuss your triumphs, failures, and opportunities for growth. In the aftermath of this meeting, you’ll (hopefully) have a better sense of what you need to do to be successful in your role. It happens once or twice a year—on a regular, scheduled cadence.
While this type of interaction may appear to only exist in the world of business, it may also be the secret to unlocking stronger friendships.
Giving your honest opinion (or receiving that of someone else’s) is to be expected in your professional career or love life. But that’s not necessarily the case with platonic relationships. As a result, protecting and growing a close friendship can often benefit from taking a bit of inspiration from the frank check-ins you have with your boss, coworker, or spouse.
We know that close friendships are important to our overall health and happiness: A 2023 systematic review published in Frontiers in Psychology that examined 38 research articles found that adult friendship was positively correlated with overall wellbeing. Another 2023 study published in Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences noted that those with high-quality friendships were more likely to live longer and less likely to have depression. But those friendships don’t thrive on their own—they require time, attention, and nurturing. Perhaps a performance review is the ultimate way to do that.
@friendshipcoachzoe Would YOU have the courage to ask this? Clip from “How many friends do I actually need (should I have)? Science Reveals the answer” episode, out now on the Accidentally Intentional YouTube channel + wherever you listen to podcasts #podcastclips #makingfriendsasadults #healthyrelationships #buildingrelationships #feedback #makingfriends ♬ original sound - Zoe Asher • Loneliness Ender
I’d know because I practice this myself: For the past three years, my best friend and I have given each other performance reviews on our respective birthdays. While these types of sit-downs can often feel cold and anxiety-inducing in a corporate setting, our experience is anything but that. Over a meal or a drink, we discuss the times in which we did and didn’t show up for each other. Sometimes, we revisit a past argument, breaking down what we wish we had done differently. Even though it’s not always the most comfortable conversation, it gives me a clear direction on how to be a better friend, something I’m constantly striving for.
Many of us—myself included—aren’t always comfortable soliciting this type of feedback from a friend. “We simply don’t do it for friendships largely because we haven’t done it for friendships,” says Jaimie Krems, PhD, the director of the UCLA Center for Friendship Research and an associate professor of psychology at UCLA. “In our romantic relationships, we have these conversations,” Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert, tells SELF. “We know what each other’s frustrated by and what we each need from each other, and in our friendships, we so often don’t know.”
However, that doesn’t mean this should be the norm. “I absolutely think that friendships would benefit from some type of check-in similar to the one that we have for romantic relationship milestones or even assessments and promotions,” Dr. Krems says. “Anytime you are in a relationship and you can communicate your needs clearly and try to get those met, that is a boon.”
How to make a friendship performance review
Just like in a corporate setting, it may be helpful to set a date for these check-ins, such as the anniversary of your friendship or, as I do, someone’s birthday. “By having this designated time of exploration and dialogue, it can alleviate some of the stress that can come up with confrontation,” says Taylor Chodash, LMHC, a licensed New York–based therapist. She adds that determining a fixed time for this type of conversation also allows you to consider what you want to ask—and say—ahead of time. However, if you’d prefer for your check-in to be a little less formal, you can also opt to ask your friend a series of questions instead of having them come with prepared feedback.
Regardless of the format you choose, begin by having a simple conversation with your friend about your relationship. “We can start by sharing with the other person what our friendship means to us,” Nelson says. Maybe you’re grateful for the fact that they always text you “good luck” before a big presentation—or the annual summer trips you take together. This reflective discussion can then serve as a gateway to a more structured check-in. If they’ve already prepared pieces of feedback for you, this is the time to listen to what they have to say.
If not, consider asking them a series of probing questions. Nelson offers a few recommendations below:
- How can I best support you right now?
- Am I showing up for you in a helpful way?
- What do you need from me in this season of life?
- What’s your assessment of our relationship?
- What can we do to strengthen this relationship?
The same ethos—and list of questions—can also be applied to group settings, something Nelson has done in her personal life. During a New Year’s celebration, she asked her girlfriends to go around and share why they were grateful for each other, as well as what would make the group more meaningful to them moving forward.
Just like with a corporate performance review, end your conversation with an action plan of sorts. While it may not be as formal or concrete as the one you receive from your boss, you may decide to check back in at a later date about what you discussed. And while some of their feedback may not be as glowing as anticipated, remember that this type of open communication will only strengthen your relationship. “It helps us know where we stand with each other,” Nelson says. “It helps us know how to love each other better. The list goes on and on and on.”
Originally published on SELF.
