Almost every Friday, my best friend and I head to our local pizza restaurant, slide into a booth, and place the same order: a kale salad, a large pie with sweet Italian sausage and caramelized onions, and a pitcher of beer. Over the course of our three-year-old ritual, in addition to consuming hundreds of slices, we’ve befriended two of the servers that work there, frequently chatting with them about their lives, the holidays, and, of course, the weather. I’ll admit: Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I’m returning to the same place and ordering the same meal instead of trying a new restaurant. (I live in New York City, after all.) But as it turns out, being a regular somewhere is actually good for your social and emotional health.
Most of us prioritize the relationships we have with our family members, friends, and colleagues. However, in 1973, Mark Granovetter, a sociologist at Stanford University, found that casual acquaintances, classified as “weak ties”—such as the barista at your local coffee shop, the bartender at your neighborhood watering hole, or the front desk attendant at the gym—can often be just as important to our lives. Over four decades later, researchers at Oxford University discovered data that encourages those ties: People who were locals at an establishment were more socially engaged, content, and more likely to trust others in their community than those who weren’t.
@better.social.skills One of the easiest ways to make friends that anyone can do is to become a regular somewhere. Once you become a fixture at a place, people who also go their regularly will come to recognize you, and your repeated presence will open the door to friendship. Check out this list of ideas of places you can become a regular at, like the dog park, coffee shop or trivia night. #creatorsearchinsights #howtomakefriendlocally #thirdplaces #friendshiptips #makingfriendsasadults ♬ sonido original - SONIDOS LARGOS
While you may not think much of the small talk you engage in with casual acquaintances, discussing the never-ending rain, that annoying pothole, or the gorgeous sunset can play a role in your overall wellbeing. “These kinds of small interactions actually can boost our mood and overall contribute to our social health by making us feel more connected, by allowing for regular, consistent interaction, and even by presenting us with the opportunity to potentially make friends and develop deeper relationships,” says Kasley Killam, MPH, a Harvard-trained social scientist.
There’s even more recent research that suggests we should be seeking out these relationships: A 2022 study published in PNAS found that participants who spoke to a broad range of people on a given day (from strong to weak ties) were happier than those who didn’t. On the other hand, an AARP survey published last year found that more than one-third of American adults feel lonely. Whether spurred by a lack of time, energy, or connection, this sense of isolation can ultimately snowball: When you feel isolated, you actually tend to stay home more, resulting in you being even more isolated, says Maya Borgueta, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Stella Nova Psychology. Instead of focusing on building an entire friendship network from scratch, visiting a local establishment can be a more accessible approach to combatting this. “Going and sitting in a coffee shop and making that your safe place and your social connection for the day and knowing who the barista is and having a quick conversation with them can be really helpful,” she says.
@cbwritescopy Being a regular somewhere >>
In addition to gaining a new casual acquaintance, engaging in this type of routine may also increase your happiness. In 2014, Gillian Sandstrom, PhD, an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex, conducted a study in which participants carried around two clickers. For six days, they were instructed to count their interactions with strong ties (think: family, friends, colleagues) on one—and their interactions with anyone else on the other. At the end of each day, the researchers asked them about their happiness and feelings of belonging. Ultimately, Sandstrom says she and her team found that those who, on average, had more interactions with weak ties tended to be happier than those who had fewer. They also discovered that participants were happier on days when they spoke to more weak ties than they normally did. These microinteractions, while seemingly inconsequential, resulted in people feeling both more content and connected.
Oftentimes, especially online, there’s a sentiment that we no longer have “third spaces,” a place that isn’t home or work to go and socialize, Kasley says. However, she says these spots are still there; we just need to use them. “If we show up to our local establishments and are regulars, that’s a way for us to really revitalize our communities and help ourselves, but also the other people who we come into contact with,” she adds. So instead of criticizing yourself for frequenting the same place over and over again, lean into it even more. You may just be building a new community—and finding a little more joy.
Originally published on SELF.
