There are plenty of expert-approved tools for managing anxiety—deep breathing, mindless distractions, fact-checking your more catastrophic thoughts. And many of them do genuinely help.
Still, “there’s no one-size-fits-all approach,” Lauren Cook, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety: A Millennial and Gen Z Guide to Staying Afloat in an Uncertain World, tells SELF. “Meaning we [as providers] have to look at what works well for the individual and get creative in trying different options.”
That means finding coping mechanisms that work not just in moments of crises, but that reduce overall anxiety in the long run too. In fact, certain habits that might seem helpful only reinforce anxious thought loops over time.
Below, psychologists who specialize in anxiety break down the most common “fixes” that tend to backfire—and more effective ways to calm yourself instead.
1. You cancel plans.
It’s tempting to stay home when anxiety kicks in—and sometimes, that is the right move. You shouldn’t force yourself into situations that feel truly overwhelming, whether it’s a first date you’re dreading or an overstimulating concert with loud music and sweaty bodies.
That said, making it a habit to skip plans can actually worsen your symptoms. “It often gets framed as self-care, but this is a classic form of avoidance,” Dr. Cook says. By repeatedly dodging events that are only mildly uncomfortable—like calling in “sick” before every big meeting or rescheduling a dentist appointment over and over—your brain learns that running away is the solution.
What to do instead: Before automatically saying no (or ghosting the group chat), Dr. Cook encourages you to pause and ask: “If I went to this, would I feel proud of myself?” Maybe giving that bridesmaid speech in front of hundreds of people sounds terrifying right now—but once you’re up there, seeing your friend’s happy face will make it worthwhile.
Another useful gut check that Dr. Cook recommends? Rate your anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10. A 4, 5, or 6 is stressful but often manageable, she says, whereas a 7, 8, or 9 may be stronger indicators to take a step back. The goal isn’t to push through everything, but to learn the difference between discomfort you can grow from and distress you shouldn’t ignore.
@therapytothepoint 7 Habits That Worsen Your Anxiety #anxietyawareness #anxietysupport #anxietydisorder #anxietyhelp #anxietytok ♬ original sound - TherapyToThePoint
2. You resort to the internet (or ChatGPT) for answers.
When you’re overthinking, it’s tempting to “solve” things instantly by Googling suspicious symptoms or asking ChatGPT to decode a vague text from your situationship. As instinctive as this coping mechanism is, though, “this is a classic reinforcer of anxiety that makes people even more hypervigilant,” Dr. Cook says. What you’re really doing is giving yourself a false sense of control and feeding into worst-case scenarios.
What to do instead: “I’m not against researching,” Dr. Cook points out. But focus on facts, not horror stories. In other words, look to credible, verifiable sources or statistics for answers. For health concerns, that means reputable hospital websites, university research databases, or trusted outlets (like SELF!). For everyday worries, the same principle of sticking with official information applies: If you’re panicking because you skipped one workout, for example, know that physiologically, it won’t undo your overall fitness progress.
@thealchamilife 5 TOXIC THINGS THAT FUEL YOUR ANXIETY #therapytiktok #mentalhealthmatters #therapist #anxietyrelief #mentalhealthawareness ♬ Metamorphosis (Longer Version) v2 - Danilo Stankovic
3. You ask friends for answers that you know won’t calm you.
Reaching out to friends when you’re spiraling is normal. “Do you think they’re mad at me?” “Was that message passive-aggressive?” “Are you sure I’m not about to get fired?”
The problem comes when, whether you realize it or not, you’re fishing for a single, very specific answer—and rejecting anything else. “You’re testing this cycle of, ‘I’m looking for one response only, and I won’t accept what else they might say,” Alicia Hodge, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, DC, tells SELF—which becomes exhausting for both you and everyone in your social circle.
What to do instead. Before going to your group chat, sit with the discomfort for just 10 minutes, Dr. Hodge recommends. Reflect on your exact fear (“I ruined the vibe,” “I’m getting fired over this mistake”). Then, come up with at least two reasonable explanations on your own (“Everyone was probably too drunk to notice what I said”; “This is my first slipup, so I’ll probably just get a warning”). With practice, this exercise can train you to calm down without relying on validation from somebody else.
4. You believe “If I do this, everything will be fine.”
“This might be controversial,” Dr. Hodge admits. After all, there’s something comforting in magical thinking: If I get this promotion, I’ll finally feel secure. Once they text back, I’ll calm down about this relationship.
“However, this logic can lull us into this idea of, ‘Everything has to be fine once I check this thing off the list,’” Dr. Hodge says. “But anxiety—and life—don’t work that way.” No amount of preparation and overthinking can guarantee whether someone likes you back, for example, or if your flight will actually land on time (even if you refresh the app for the 10th time).
What to do instead: Ground yourself in reality—not hope of a single, miracle solution. Maybe that means telling yourself, “It’s only one of many projects to prove myself” about a seemingly make-or-break moment for your promotion. Or acknowledging that while you can’t control when someone responds, you can control what you do all day (so you’re not just sitting around and waiting). Dr. Hodge says these subtle mindset shifts can provide a more realistic (and healthy) sense of control.
5. You expect to be anxiety-free.
Read all the self-help books, meditate hard enough, go to lots of therapy—and surely, those racing thoughts will be gone for good. Right?
The truth is, “there’s no one magic thing you can do,” Dr. Hodge explains. Even those who are skilled at managing their mental health still get jittery before big presentations or after awkward social moments. Believing that you should never feel this way will backfire, she says, leaving you pressured, hopeless, and self-critical: Why am I still like this? Didn’t I work on this? What’s wrong with me?
What to do instead. “Accept that your anxiety is there,” Dr. Cook says, “and know you can still live a meaningful life with it.” Instead of aiming to eliminate it, then, focus on concrete, manageable steps you can take right now: Can you at least muster the energy to send that email? Eat dinner even though your stomach feels tight? Stay at the party for 30 minutes—then leave if you need to?
“It’s a long process to learn how to live with anxiety,” Dr. Cook says, but it’s not an impossible one, especially if you follow this advice. “In doing this, we become less afraid of it”—and more capable of handling whatever stressful, nerve-wracking curveball inevitably comes next.
Originally published on SELF.
