There’s no doubt that a compliment from a cute guy can give anyone a little mood boost. But for some, male attention isn’t just nice to have—it can start to feel addicting. A late “WYD” text might be all it takes to suddenly ditch the group dinner you’d been looking forward to all week. A lingering glance across the bar might have you straightening your posture, changing your laugh, even adjusting your top. Or maybe you’re in a relationship where you’ve quietly changed major parts of yourself—adopting your partner’s hobbies, reshuffling your entire schedule—to align with what he wants.
On the surface, these impulses might sound innocent, even a little vain. However, they can mask deeper, more harmful patterns, Radisha Brown, LCSW, owner of iThrive Therapy in Augusta, Georgia, and author of Girl Let Him Go: How to Heal from a Painful Breakup to Love Again, tells SELF. “A lot of women do it and don’t even know it,” Brown says—largely thanks to a patriarchal society that’s long rewarded women for appealing to men. For some, past personal experiences bring on these responses even more: “It could be triggered by some sort of rejection early in life,” Brown says, like being abandoned by a father figure or receiving positive reinforcement only when you did things for the male gaze. “That message can somehow get translated into, ‘For me to be worthy, I have to get this man’s approval.’”
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Of course, the problem with hinging your confidence on another person is that your sense of self will become shaky, increasing feelings of insecurity, disappointment, anxiety, and loneliness. So how do you know if what looks like harmless attention-seeking is actually crossing into something more damaging to your self-worth? Here are a few red flags.
1. Your mood depends on whether a man notices you.
Even after an eventful girls’ night out or perfectly planned dinner, you find yourself hung up on one thing: Did any guys ask for your number tonight? Did one call you pretty? How many times did your boyfriend text you while you were out?
“It’s worth asking yourself, ‘Does it ruin my night when I’m not being noticed by men?’” Jennifer Guttman, PhD, a New York City-based clinical psychologist and author of Beyond Happiness: The 6 Secrets of Lifetime Satisfaction, tells SELF. Or, are you anxious about posting on Instagram because you want him to see it—and you’ll spiral if he doesn’t? If the answer to these questions is yes, Dr. Guttman says that’s a sign your happiness may be too tightly tied to their external validation.
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2. You change parts of your identity to seem more “attractive.”
It can start small—growing out your hair because your partner hates shorter styles, wearing revealing clothes that feel out of character just to seem more “sexy.” Then, it can spiral into bigger changes—switching your political beliefs to align with his, pretending to love hobbies you don’t actually enjoy, and softening parts of your personality (being quieter, less opinionated, less ambitious) for the sake of being “marriage material.”
You’re changing not because you want to, but “because you’re influenced by the attention you’re going to get from doing so,” Brown says, a clear sign your identity is tethered more to his approval than your own values and interests.
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3. You can’t make decisions without his opinion.
This isn’t just about asking which shirt looks better or whether you should splurge on that new necklace you’ve been eyeing. If you’re unable to make choices (big or small) without getting his input first, this can signal a deeper issue.
“It stems from the belief, ‘My thoughts and opinions are less important,’” Brown says, which can influence some women to place extra weight on their partner’s judgment instead. The problem, however, is that “when their feedback is negative, it can invalidate your whole existence,” pushing you to seek their approval in more extreme ways—like ditching friends he doesn’t like, for instance, or changing your career plans to suit his lifestyle.
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4. You ignore your own boundaries to please him.
Maybe there’s something you’ve always felt strongly about—not staying out past midnight on a weeknight, never skipping your weekly book club meetings, or sticking to a vegetarian diet. But according to Dr. Guttman, suddenly compromising on these boundaries for men, in particular, is a clear sign you’re prioritizing his potential happiness over your own needs and non-negotiables—a habit that can erode your self-respect and train you to put others’ comfort above your own.
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5. You ditch your loved ones for his attention.
Instead of showing up for the people who’ve been there for you, you find yourself chasing breadcrumbs of attention from men you barely know. The second a cute stranger starts chatting you up at a bar, you leave your crew behind without a second thought—or even change your mannerisms (laugh louder, lean closer) to ensure you’re the only one catching his eye. This can show up in long-term relationships, too: Your schedule revolves around his, which means your loved ones will end up on the back burner if he asks to spend time together.
According to Dr. Guttman, this pattern says a lot about your priorities: “For you, spending time with a man is more important than spending time with friends—meaning you don’t view them equally.” And over time, that imbalance can not only hurt your existing friendships but also leave you feeling lonelier when you do cut off the people who truly know and support you.
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How to stop craving male attention
The goal isn’t to suddenly pretend you don’t care what anyone thinks. “It’s about finding something else that gives you that same hit of excitement and confidence from within,” Brown says. Here are a few options to try:
1. Notice the strengths that have nothing to do with your appearance.
Most of the validation we get from men tends to center on looks—your outfit, your body, your face. While these compliments can feel good, they’re also fleeting—which is why a more sustainable confidence boost will come from reminding yourself of your inner value.
Dr. Guttman suggests a simple exercise: “Journal about three things you value about yourself that have nothing to do with your physical qualities.” Whether you end up spotlighting your work performance, your reliability as a friend, or your athletic skills as a novice runner, “all of this helps you see your strengths as deeper than surface-level characteristics that a man may notice at first glance.”
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2. Invest in feel-good hobbies.
Unlike a text from a crush that might boost your mood for, say, five minutes, mastering a new skill or simply enjoying something that lights you up (like painting, climbing, or reading) gives you evidence that you’re capable and talented, Dr. Guttman points out—proof that you don’t need another person to convince you that you’re accomplished.
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3. Turn to your female friendships.
Hearing “you’re gorgeous” or “I love that outfit” doesn’t have to come from purely romantic interests. Compliments from your girlfriends—those who truly know and value you—often land deeper and feel way more genuine.
“When you have women supporting women, reminding you how good you look or that you're important and worthy, it helps build your self-worth so you’ll rely less on male approval,” Brown says. That isn’t to say a pickup line from a cute Hinge match won’t feel nice (it probably will, and that’s okay!), but it at least won’t hold the power to change your confidence, the course of your day, or your life choices.
Originally published on SELF.
