You’ve probably made a joke about showing signs of “abandonment issues”—blaming them for why you panic when your partner wants one night alone, or why you’re triple-texting someone who’s taking too long to reply. But there’s a difference between being a little needy every now and then and living in a constant state of, “What if everyone leaves me?”
At its core, “abandonment issues stem from a deep-seated, pervasive fear or anxiety about possible rejection or losing somebody,” Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist at Bustan Therapy certified in trauma therapy, tells SELF. While feelings of abandonment might show up during minor situations, say, your bestie seeming more distant than usual, these reactions often trace back to more foundational experiences. It’s most likely to stem from a past where a parent or caregiver (but also in some cases, a partner or spouse) was unavailable, absent, inconsistent, or abusive.
Whatever the cause, these early wounds tend to seep into every relationship (even with those who’ve done nothing to make you question their loyalty). That’s why recognizing what abandonment issues actually look like is an important first step in feeling more secure.
Beyond everyday worries or a bit of overthinking, here are the signs to look for.
1. You cling tightly and seek constant reassurance.
Even the tiniest bit of perceived distance can be anxiety-inducing for anyone carrying abandonment wounds. So in a desperate effort to hold onto that sense of security, you may exhibit really clingy behavior—a telltale sign of abandonment issues, Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and author of Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, tells SELF
This isn’t about simply wanting company. “You become overly dependent on others to feel okay,” Gillis explains. “It’s like that wounded inner child is desperate for love and affection they didn’t get when they were younger,” which explains why you might expect instant text replies or nightly calls to feel secure. Or you may repeatedly ask questions like, “Are you mad at me?” or, “Do you still love me?” the second you detect a slight change in tone. You might even find yourself tagging along to every errand or social event just to avoid being left out—or in your mind, left behind.
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2. You base your self-worth on someone else’s actions.
People with abandonment issues will usually interpret little, normal shifts—a partner wanting a “guys night,” your favorite coworker canceling happy hour plans last-second—as evidence they’re no longer loved or wanted, Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York City, tells SELF.
In these cases, overly critical, generalized thoughts often pop up. This might sound like, “I must have done something wrong—I always mess things up,” because a friend didn’t like your recent Instagram post. Or “I’m too much for people—they always leave me for someone better,” after the person you’re dating seems distracted over dinner. Because of past experiences in your family or romantic relationships, where bonds were unpredictable or unexpectedly severed, “your instinct is to assume there’s something fundamentally flawed in your character and to ask yourself, What’s wrong with me?” Khanna says, which can trigger not only fleeting anxiety, but also intense panic.
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3. You push people away before they can leave you.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, lots of people with abandonment issues will sabotage relationships, Gillis explains, as a way to mentally protect themselves from the pain of being rejected again.
They may withdraw just as things begin to get “good” or serious, avoiding vulnerable conversations that build real intimacy. It’s also common for folks with abandonment issues to pick fights—like accusing a partner of not caring enough because they didn’t say “I love you” before going to work, or threatening to walk away over a minor feud about dirty dishes.
Essentially it’s this idea of, If I leave them first, then I won’t get hurt, Gillis says. The problem is these self-sabotaging behaviors will end up blocking you from forming the deep, fulfilling closeness you’re secretly craving, Afkhami points out.
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4. You people-please so they stay.
When you’re absolutely terrified of someone leaving, it’s common to start bending over backwards to keep them close, Afkhami says—even when it comes at the expense of your own well-being.
Some common people-pleasing behaviors include saying yes to every plan or favor (even though you’re exhausted) or pretending to love the same hobbies and share the same opinions just to feel included. You might also find yourself telling outrageous stories or playing the class clown. That way, you’re too memorable to be “replaced.” But the hard truth is, hiding who you are won’t just strain your relationships—it may deepen your anxiety that your loved ones will leave once they see the “real” you.
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5. You overanalyze every little interaction for a “hidden meaning.”
Even with verbal confirmation that everything is okay, your brain might still be on high alert, hunting for signs that something’s secretly off.
“There’s a lot of hypervigilance with abandonment issues, where you’re kind of looking to make a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Afkhami says. “You’re searching for evidence that you’re going to be left out. So the smallest gesture, the smallest moment of not having attention becomes confirmation of what you’ve grown up to believe about abandonment.”
Maybe you reread a text over and over, dissecting every word and punctuation—and concluding that a lowercase “lol” means they’re actually upset with you. Or you start connecting unrelated moments (like them not laughing at your memes) to fit a narrative that they’re pulling away. These are classic signs of your abandonment issues taking over: You’ve been blindsided before, so your brain is trying to protect you by anticipating the worst—even when things are actually fine.
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How to heal from abandonment issues
The first step to overcoming abandonment issues is recognizing them. But because these wounds stem from deep childhood traumas, working with a mental health professional is usually key to making lasting progress, every expert we spoke with agrees. That way, you can process past hurts in a safe environment and learn healthier strategies for building more secure connections.
On your own, there are still other meaningful steps you can take. For example, Khanna recommends starting small—like practicing deep, slow breathing when anxious feelings (and the instinct to people-please or withdraw) begin to surface. It’s also important to tend to your inner child who’s still hurting, which you can do by practicing gratitude for the people in your life right now (without worrying about whether they’ll stay in the future) or by indulging in self-care activities that make you feel confident and grounded on your own.
Above all, try your hardest to remind yourself: Just because you’ve been abandoned before doesn’t mean you always will be. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can start to feel a little safer in your connections—and trust that your past doesn’t define who you are (or the love you deserve).
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