Are your dating preferences ageist? The hidden bias behind “age limits” in love

Most of us have at least a few preferences when it comes to dating. Maybe you’ve sworn off partners who don’t want kids, only match with people who share your political views, or are picky about more surface-level traits like height and fashion style. But where do we draw the line when it comes to age?

This question has become a hot topic on the current season of The Golden Bachelor, when the show’s lead, Mel Owens, 66, revealed he wouldn’t date anyone over 60. (“Well, they got to be fit because I stay in shape,” Owens justified at the time.) These specific, age-based “dealbreakers” aren’t just fodder for juicy reality TV drama—they’re baked into real-world dating standards too.

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“I see a lot of very rigid discrimination when it comes to age,” Ivy Kwong, LMFT, a Seattle-based psychotherapist specializing in relationships, tells SELF. Especially on dating apps, Kwong says, where “people will draw the line at the zeroes. So they’ll go up to 29 or 39 or 49, but won’t date 30 or 40 or 50.” Dating apps make it easy to reinforce this, where you can literally “filter” out prospects based on age, setting a cutoff at any arbitrary number you choose.

To some extent, having a general preference when it comes to age is understandable: You want to avoid mismatched life stages, like steering clear of someone still in school or seeking out someone who’s looking to buy a house and settle down. But age doesn’t tell you everything about a person—someone older may still be in school, and someone younger might want to start a family. And assigning any meaning to age can be futile: What’s the difference between someone who is 32 and 10 months and someone who is 33 and 2 months? When these preferences harden into automatic dealbreakers, the question becomes: Are we really filtering for the perfect match…or masking ageism under the guise of “personal preference”?

When does age preference become a problem?

It’s one thing to have a sense of where you want your partner to be in life—say, emotionally ready to start a family or still open to travel on a whim. That alone doesn’t make you close-minded, Kwong points out. Where it gets tricky (and more ageist), however, is when “your biases are rooted in negative stereotypes rather than genuine compatibility,” she explains.

Too often, age becomes shorthand for assumptions about energy level, health, or lifestyle. The thinking goes: As you get older, you’re less physically fit, less spontaneous, and in the case of women in particular, “less attractive.”

It’s not surprising that people subconsciously uphold these ageist biases when so much around us reinforces them. The aesthetics industry alone is built on the idea of erasing visible signs of aging (Botox to smooth wrinkles, fillers to restore that “youthful plump”). Even in the wellness world, our growing obsession with longevity and biohacking subtly sells the message that youth is the ultimate marker of not only health, but also desirability, value, and beauty.

Naturally, these assumptions will sneak into dating, turning age into a flawed way to judge compatibility, and possibly ruling out a whole swath of prospects. In reality, though, whether or not you’ll mesh with someone comes down to factors far deeper than your birth year, Kwong says. The Golden Bachelor illustrates this clearly: There are several women on the show over 60 living active, adventurous lives. Likewise, a 20-something, despite having fewer lived years, can be emotionally mature, ready for commitment, and certain about what they want in a relationship.

When numbers replace nuance, we risk missing out on connections that could be deeply compatible—which is why Kwong says it’s more worthwhile (and a whole lot nicer) to focus on seeking out specific values and personality traits. Maybe what matters more than the year on their driver’s license is whether someone can keep up on a hike, vibe with your Spotify playlists, or handle serious, vulnerable conversations without running for the hills.

“Usually, it’s never age alone that breaks up a relationship,” Kwong points out. “It’s misalignment in other areas like shared values, a similar vision for life, and emotional intelligence.” Qualities like these are the ones that matter for the long haul—far more than any arbitrary age bracket ever could.

Original article appeared on SELF