Ghosting is practically baked into our modern culture—it’s too easy to cut contact with someone you don’t feel like talking to. But learning how to get over being ghosted—whether it was a promising potential partner or a friend pulling a disappearing act—is a lot harder than most people would like to admit.
At first, it seems like an easy thing to brush off. So what if they’re not texting back? People do it for all sorts of reasons, many of which aren’t personal. “A lot of people just don’t want to deal with the anxiety, annoyance, or the actual conversation of ending a relationship,” Patrice N. Douglas, PsyD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based clinical psychologist, tells SELF. But the mental health effects of getting ghosted often run deep, potentially stinging more than a full-blown breakup—in large part because of all the questions and self-doubt it leaves behind, she adds. What was the final straw? What was so bad that this person disappeared from my life forever?
When you’re suddenly cut off and left without these answers, it’s easy to feel helpless, second-guess every interaction, and take the rejection personally. But relationship experts agree you don’t actually need that one final goodbye message to find peace. Below, we asked them how to get over being ghosted, so you can move on and prevent it from shaking your self-esteem.
1. Don’t be afraid to ask them what happened.
Depending on your relationship with the person, it could be worth straight-up asking for an explanation. Obviously, “it may not make as much sense for somebody you’ve known for three days versus one you’ve known for six years,” Dr. Douglas points out. “But there’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks—I just want to see if everything’s okay.’”
That said, you should also be prepared for the very real possibility that they still might not reply—or worse, they might give you an answer that stings. “As much as we want open communication and honesty, people don’t owe that to us,” Dr. Douglas adds. “So you can try to reach out, but you’ll also have to come to your own resolution if they don’t respond.” (Don’t worry, that’s what the rest of the tips below are all about.)
2. Reframe ghosting as a reflection of their communication skills, not your worth.
Being ghosted can feel deeply personal—like you weren’t even worth a text, let alone a real explanation. But according to Nelly Seo, PsyD, a psychologist at Therapists of New York, ghosting is rarely a reflection of your worth, nor is it a sign that you “deserved” it. That’s not to say you couldn’t have played a part in why someone pulled away—crossing a boundary, reacting negatively to feedback in the past, not picking up on earlier signs that they were overwhelmed or disinterested. But in an ideal world, someone would speak up if they needed your relationship to change or end.
“Ghosting is often done when a person is unable to directly express how they feel,” Dr. Seo tells SELF. Maybe someone you went on a date with just didn’t feel a spark and wasn’t sure how to say that without being mean. Or a conflict-avoidant friend was upset you canceled plans again, but instead of bringing it up they pulled away. Whatever the case, “Their silence could likely be a reflection of their challenges with healthy communication, not of your worth,” she explains—a reality check that can be incredibly grounding when you’re stuck in a cycle of self-blame.
3. Fact-check the story you’re telling yourself.
In moments of uncertainty, our minds tend to fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios—and that explains why “unhelpful beliefs about being a terrible person, a bad friend, or unworthy of love might start popping up after you’ve been ghosted,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, owner of Space for Growth Therapy and Coaching in Pasadena, California, tells SELF.
Even though it’s natural to have these automatic mean thoughts, it’s important to remember that they’re just that: thoughts, not cold, hard facts. So rather than accepting them at face value, “be aware of these false assumptions and counter them with ones that are more realistic, compassionate, and accurate,” Moore says—which means getting into the habit of asking, What evidence do I actually have to back this up?
If your brain instantly goes to, My situationship stopped replying because I’m not attractive enough, for instance, pause and question it. Did they ever say that? (Well, no.) Did they act like they weren’t into you? (Actually, they complimented me and we even made out twice.) What do you know for sure? (We went on three dates. They also mentioned they just got out of a long-term relationship.) Ultimately, when you ground yourself in rational observations, it gets a whole lot easier to gain perspective and stop internalizing what may not even have been about you in the first place.
4. Write them a letter—but don’t send it.
There’s so much you might want to say but can’t after you’ve been left in the dust: We’ve been friends for a year and you just disappeared—WTF. You’re such a cowardly jerk for blocking me after three months of dating!
To get that confusion, bitterness, and resentment out of your system, Moore recommends writing a brutally honest letter (either on paper or in your notes app) to the person who hurt you. “This doesn’t mean you ever have to send it,” she points out. “It’s more for you to express everything you wish you could say without retaliation.” That might include calling them out for being an inconsiderate asshole or vulnerably sharing how their silence left you embarrassed, insecure, and anxious. Even if they’re not actually receiving your note, this exercise can at least give you space to vent, reflect, and process lingering emotions to build “closure” on your own, Moore says.
5. Delete reminders that drag you back into the past.
Sometimes photos, texts, or inside jokes that remind you of the good times are the ones that sting the most. One second you’re fine, and the next you’re deep in your last chat history, analyzing every message or punctuation mark and ruminating over how things went so wrong.
But to start moving forward, it’s helpful to remove sneaky triggers that keep you stuck in the past and stop searching for a “why” you may never receive. “You can delete your conversation and message history,” Moore suggests. “Or move any pictures together in an archived album or drive, so they don’t pop up on your phone constantly.” And if seeing their name and face on your social media feed still sparks that sinking mix of anger, anxiety, and bitterness? Mute or unfollow them, Dr. Seo suggests, especially if that’s what it takes to create distance from the one who hurt you.
6. Reach out to someone who does make you a priority.
Ultimately, a person who disappears without a word, who couldn’t even offer you the decency of a conversation, doesn’t deserve so much of your time, energy, and tears.
“A lot of us beat ourselves up about the friendships and relationships we’ve lost versus focusing on the ones we still have,” Dr. Douglas says. That’s why during moments of self-doubt and loneliness, it’s worth refocusing your energy on the loved ones who do check in on you, remember the little details of your day-to-day, and make you laugh even when you’re not in the mood.
So the next time you’re ruminating on someone’s sudden silence, text your supportive sibling. Call your favorite cousin. Grab dinner with your best friend. Sometimes the closure we need isn’t in the ghoster’s response—it can come from the people who actually see your worth and don’t leave you hanging.
Original appeared on SELF
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