It’s really easy to swear you’d never forgive someone who cheated. But real-life relationships are messy, layered, and influenced by so much more than one (or a few) bad moments—which makes the question of whether there are ever “good” reasons to look past infidelity a complicated one.
Of course, all of this is subjective. An immediate dealbreaker for one person might be something another couple feels they can genuinely work through. But for anyone wondering what circumstance could possibly excuse this sort of betrayal, the short answer is none: “There is no universally ‘good’ reason to cheat,” Idit Sharoni, LMFT, a couples therapist who leads an infidelity recovery program called It’s Okay to Stay, tells SELF. In more than a decade of practice, she says, “I haven’t seen one case where anyone said, ‘Okay, that’s a really great justification!’”
That said, the relationship therapists we spoke with agree that people underestimate how possible it is to recover from an affair and even grow stronger on the other side of it—either as individuals or, if you choose, as a couple. Either way, forgiveness can be the very tool that provides clarity, closure, and a surprising sense of peace. While there is no universal formula for what makes staying “acceptable,” here are a few factors they’ve seen that at least make the choice to forgive understandable.
1. You’ve been together for a while and share a deep history.
Needless to say, couples who have been together for decades have a lot more on the line than those in the early stages of dating. “If you’ve been married for a really long time, it’s not just a simple decision to say, ‘Let me end this relationship,’” Sharoni says. “It’s not an on-and-off switch.”
That’s because long-term duos have years of shared history and life experiences to take into consideration. Maybe they were there for each other during the death of a parent or child, a serious health scare, or sudden financial challenges, Sharoni says. “When you go through the relationship having supported each other in so many different ways, the infidelity doesn’t always automatically negate that.”
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2. You rely on each other financially.
Similarly, the practical circumstances of a long-term relationship—such as being financially tied to each other—can make the decision to leave incredibly complex. “I work with a lot of couples who’ve decided to stay together because it would be very expensive to maintain separate housing, separate lives, and they’ve figured out a way to make the situation work,” Lisa Chen, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF. On top of that, other money-related realities like shared debt, childcare costs, or relying on a partner’s health insurance can play a meaningful role in explaining why a person may be tempted to stay.
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3. They came forward on their own.
While it doesn’t suddenly erase the betrayal, an unprompted confession can make it easier to believe they won’t do it again, Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF.
“What I’ve noticed while working with people dealing with infidelity is that they’re often more inclined to forgive if they receive a genuine apology,” Dr. Le Goy explains. That’s because coming forward voluntarily—rather than being caught—can show that your partner is willing to take responsibility, even when they don’t technically have to. And that transparency early on, she says, can be a good first step in rebuilding the trust that’s essential for any successful relationship.
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4. You need to free yourself from the resentment and pain.
A common misconception is that forgiveness automatically means getting back together—which, Chen notes, isn’t always the case. For some people, letting bygones be bygones isn’t about excusing the behavior or even saving the relationship: It’s about freeing themselves from resentment for the sake of their own well-being.
“If you choose not to forgive them, you can end up carrying that burden, that sense of anger and hurt which continues to build and infect your life,” Chen explains. “A lot of people don’t want an affair to define the next 10 to 15 years of their life. They want to just move forward”—and sometimes, finding the closure to march forward on your own is the best way to do that.
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5. They did the work to make sure it’ll never happen again.
Perhaps most importantly, every expert we spoke with emphasized that forgiveness isn’t truly possible—or wise—unless the person who cheated takes accountability and makes amends.
So what does that look like in practice? While it’s different for every couple, affair recovery usually starts with a sincere apology—no defensiveness, no excuses—and a willingness to be patient as trust is slowly rebuilt. In her practice, Sharoni adds, “I sit down with couples to design a new and improved relationship—one that doesn’t allow infidelity to happen again—by identifying what needs to change, both individually and in the relationship.” From there, the process often involves sorting through intense emotions together (like guilt, resentment, and insecurity) along with open communication.
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Unfortunately, there’s no “right” way to navigate cheating. It’s a choice only you can make—no matter what friends, family, or the internet tells you.
Originally published on SELF.
