Therapy is often hyped up as the ultimate fix for any mental health concern. So if you’ve ever walked out of a session thinking, Well, why didn’t it do anything for me???, we get your frustration.
In fact, new data from BetterHelp that surveyed 2,000 people suggests that many struggle to have that emotional breakthrough moment. Among the respondents who were advised to seek therapy, 44% didn’t follow through. The reasons? Seventy-five percent of them said they had trouble finding the right therapist, while 74% stopped due to a poor match.
After these kinds of disappointing experiences, it’s easy to second-guess whether you’re somehow “too broken” to be “fixed,” or if your problems are too big even for a professional. But these assumptions aren’t accurate, Esther Boykin, LMFT, founder of Group Therapy Associates in Washington, DC, tells SELF. The reality is, mental health support looks different for everyone—and what works for one person may not be helpful for another.
Here are the most common reasons why people feel let down by their experience—and how you can set yourself up for a better one (if you’re open to trying again, that is).
1. You haven’t found the right type of therapy.
Therapy is often painted as this scene where you lie on a couch, spill your guts, and an expert magically has all the right answers. But, as you’ve probably figured out by now, it’s not that simple.
When it comes to treatment options, there are tons of different approaches personalized to fit various concerns, communication styles, and personalities. If your appointments have been feeling like unproductive vent sessions, you might appreciate methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which focus on learning actionable skills and coping mechanisms. Or if you’re interested in unpacking unresolved childhood wounds, you might consider a modality like psychodynamic therapy that’s all about tapping into the unconscious factors influencing your present-day conflicts. And even if talk therapy isn’t your thing, you’ve still got alternatives like art therapy or body-centered somatic practices to consider.
For the most part, “a lot of it will depend on your personal preference,” Annabelle Dortch, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—something you can absolutely ask your therapist about. (After all, they’re trained to know about the differences and recommend what’s best for you.) But just because your provider offers the “right” modality doesn’t guarantee success…which brings us to our next pointer.
@katimorton 5 reasons therapy isn’t working for you #therapy #therapist #therapytiktok ♬ original sound - Kati Morton, LMFT
2. You didn’t see the “right” therapist.
According to Boykin, finding a good therapist is kind of like dating. Just because it didn’t work once doesn’t mean relationships generally aren’t for you. Rather, “this person simply isn’t a good fit,” she explains—and that same logic applies to meeting a provider who helps you grow too.
At baseline, you should feel safe, not judged, and comfortable opening up to this person, Dr. Dortch says. Other factors can play a role too—personality differences (maybe you’re looking for someone who’s soft-spoken, and this one is a bit too high-energy), communication style (perhaps your ideal practitioner is direct and blunt—no positive fluff) or just the overall vibe. Without that rapport, both experts agree it can be tough to be comfortably you.
@drjudithjoseph Discovering the right therapist and therapy for you is a crucial step in your journey to mental well-being. It's about finding the support that aligns with your unique needs and empowers your growth. Disclaimer: You may want to consider your individual mental health needs with a licensed medical professional. This page is not medical advice. #therapy #psychiatry #mentalhealth ♬ Lover - Remix - Taylor Swift
3. You’re holding back.
To get the most out of your sessions, you’ve got to be willing to be honest and vulnerable, Boykin says—something that’s easier said than done. To give you an example: Maybe you’re ranting about how your partner raised their voice at dinner—while leaving out pretty important details on your end. (Technically, you hurled the first few insults and constantly interrupted them too.)
Whether you realize it or not, you could be holding back for a few reasons. Perhaps you don’t know how to put complex feelings into words. Or shame is what’s stopping you from opening up about unhealthy patterns you want to change. Regardless of why, it’s important to know that withholding what’s really going on can get in the way of your progress. “If you don’t get to a place where you’re going to be brutally honest, where you’re giving the full picture of what’s going on in your life, then your therapist is going to be less effective simply because they don’t have all the information they need,” Boykin explains.
@leltherapy Hard truth from your therapist this am #therapytok #therapistsontiktok ♬ original sound - Lauren Larkin
4. You’re not consistent or committed to the process.
There’s no right or wrong frequency for how often someone “should” go to therapy. But consistency does matter if you want to see real progress. “I tell patients all the time: You can’t really start and only go once a month,” Boykin explains. Otherwise, “you’re never really developing momentum and building the rapport necessary to make it effective.”
Other habits, like constantly being late or skipping appointments, can subtly signal that maybe you’re not fully committed…right now, at least. Ultimately, those aha moments and breakthroughs happen when you’re putting in the effort on a regular basis. Without that, it’s easy to feel stuck or disconnected, like you’re not getting anywhere.
@zachsangshow talk therapy doesn’t work for everyone @Dove Cameron #dovecameron #therapy #therapist #zachsangshow #zachsang #fyp #foryou ♬ original sound - Zach Sang Show
5. You’re expecting instant results.
“If there’s one thing that’s true about therapy, it’s that it’s not a magic bullet,” Dr. Dortch says—meaning, it may not be the case that therapy hasn’t worked but rather, it just hasn’t worked yet.
For starters, simply building a relationship and trust with a provider takes time, Dr. Dortch points out. Not to mention, many therapy goals—like wanting to be a better partner, channeling rage in a healthier way, processing years of childhood trauma—are long-term processes that can’t be learned in weeks, sometimes not even months.
It’s easy to get discouraged then, if after a few sessions, you still aren’t healed, happy, or emotionally healthy. But it’s important to remember that most signs of improvement are subtle. “I always say progress is like falling asleep,” Boykin says. “Slowly, slowly, then all of a sudden you’ll have a moment where you reflect and realize how so many things have changed."
So if therapy is something you’re still open to exploring, don’t let past failed attempts discourage you. Just because it didn’t click right away doesn’t mean it can’t.
Originally published on SELF.
