Passive-aggressive people rarely tell you exactly what’s bothering them. Instead, their frustration slips out in subtle ways: a backhanded joke, a heavy sigh, an uncharacteristically curt text—all of which can leave you wondering, Are they secretly upset, or am I just overthinking?
@chriswillx How Can You Deal With Passive Aggressive People? The Science Of Emotional Intelligence & Self-Understanding - Dr Julie Smith
In some cases, withholding clear communication can be intentional—a way to force the other person to “guess” what’s wrong (which is as unhealthy as it is annoying). More often, though, “people simply are afraid to speak up for themselves in a way that’s direct,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF. “When they’re already overwhelmed, sad, or disappointed, they have to sit with these uncomfortable feelings on top of dealing with the fear of saying something that the other person may not be happy to hear.” That’s why, instead of stating, “I don’t like this,” or “I’m upset,” they resort to the silent treatment, for instance, or a vague, “Well if you say so….”
@drjulie 👉 Don’t miss these 3 signs! ⬇️ More subtle signs that someone is being passive aggressive: • Sarcasm • Sulking, becoming cold or indifferent • Subtly excluding you from the group • Engaging in gossip about someone • Agreeing to something while making it clear that it is hassle for them • Subtle but persistent comments in an otherwise friendly interaction that leave you doubting how they really feel about you. Which of these signs do you pick up on the most? And how do you respond? Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. We often don’t know how to respond until we’ve had time to think it through. 🎁 For some real time tools on how to respond to passive aggressive behaviour, I cover this in more detail in my new book, Open When.. The link in my bio will take you to retailers for UK, USA and the rest of the world. ☆A limited number of signed copies are available from Waterstones, UK. ☆ An exclusive edition is available from Target, USA.
♬ original sound - Dr Julie | Psychologist
However, trying to reconcile what they say with what you sense can be exhausting. When we lack clear information and are instead met with a dismissive tone or tense body language, our brain can’t help but fill in the gaps, Tristan points out—often leading to assumptions, overthinking, and unnecessary stress.
In these moments, maybe you’re tempted to pry (“Are you sure you’re good?”)—only to be met with irritation at how “pushy” you’re being. Or you believe it when they insist nothing’s wrong, but find out later that there was an issue all along. So what are you supposed to do? Read on for expert-approved tips on how to handle passive-aggressive behaviour.
1. Consider the context before reacting.
Not every short text or moment of silence that feels passive-aggressive actually is. Maybe your friend is being curt because they’re busy or distracted, or your partner isn’t annoyed with you—they’re preoccupied with unrelated family drama.
So before you start spiraling into assumptions, Tristan suggests taking a step back and considering all the facts: Did you do anything that might have upset them? Could any external factors be responsible for their “different” tone? It could be the case that your boss is snappy because they have a high-stakes meeting later, for instance, or your roommate is just the type of person who always sends “K” replies during the workweek. Taking this perspective helps you pick your battles and avoid unnecessary conflicts. That way, you’re not nitpicking every interaction that seems “off.”
@justaskjefferson dont let it drain your battery 🪫
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2. Don’t meet passive aggression with passive aggression.
As tempting as it is to retort with a similarly backhanded comment, resist that urge. “You don’t have to ignore what’s happening, but you also shouldn’t meet them where they are,” Dralisa Young, LCSW, founder and clinical director of Favorite Therapy PLLC, tells SELF. Otherwise, you’ll only escalate that indirect tension, which is why it’s best to maintain calm, clear communication.
@missclairebenjamin How do you respond if your direct report is being passive aggressive?👇 Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive communication like sarcasm, eye rolling, sulky/ moody behaviour can be really irritating as a manager. Seeing passive aggressive communication in a different way can be really helpful and encourage us to approach it differently. Passive aggressive communication often stems from a fear of conflict and an inability to communicate concerns and needs directly. 💡 Although it’s best to avoid it- we can all be guilty of passive aggressive communication from time to time because we’re all human! When you’re a manager on the receiving end of passive aggressive communication avoid the temptation to “tell them off” and show your frustration. This will likely perpetuate it. Instead try to create safety and openness through the way you bring yourself. This often encourages people to become more open. Phrases like “I know you’re saying you’re ok but the way you’re saying it is telling me otherwise. Can you tell me what’s on your mind so we can discuss it and try to resolve it” As a manager modelling direct, respectful and empathetic communication can help someone who uses passive aggressive behaviours to open up and become more direct. 💬 Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you handle it? 📌 Please remember the advice offered in this video is generalised and intended for guidance purposes only. It will not fit every situation so please use your own judgment based on your own unique situation. ➕ Follow Claire Benjamin for more strategies on navigating tricky situations at work #worktips #leadershipdevelopment #passiveaggressive #emotionalintelligence #corporatelife #managingpeople #communicationskills #assertivecommunication ♬ original sound - Claire | Work people tips
3. Ask for clarification.
When in doubt, Young suggests gently asking for clarity—something like, “You don’t sound that excited—are you sure you’re okay?” or simply, “What do you mean by that?”
This approach does two important things: First, it calls out the mixed signals directly, making it harder for them to hide behind sarcasm or silence. Second, it gives them a gentle opening to express what is bothering them.
@erinmcgoff ✨ How to handle a passive-aggressive coworker without losing your cool (or your sanity): You’ve got two solid options: 1️⃣ Ignore it: Keep it casual, don’t feed into the drama. Not every comment deserves your energy. 2️⃣ Clarify it: Politely ask them to clarify their intention. (“Do you mean that genuinely, or are you hinting at something?”) This gives them a graceful chance to clear things up—or own up to their pettiness. Either way, protect your peace and your confidence. You’ve got better things to do than decode someone’s subtweets IRL. You got this! 👏 #CareerAdvice #WorkplaceDrama #CommunicationSkills #OfficeLife #PassiveAggressive
♬ original sound - AdviceWithErin✨
4. Call out the action, not the person.
A one-off, snarky comment can often be ignored, but experts agree that a pattern of passive aggressiveness is worth addressing. The trick, though, is confronting the confusing action without attacking the person.
“People don’t respond well to pathologizing them, so it may not go well when you say, ‘Hey you’re being a jerk,’” Tristan points out. Instead, “the most effective feedback isolates the actual behavior.” Rather than saying, “You’re always so rude,” for example, try, “I didn’t like how you rolled your eyes when I asked a question.” This keeps the focus on an issue that’s fixable, making it more likely for the other person to notice (and hopefully adjust).
@erika_ HOW TO deal with passive aggressive coworkers...
♬ original sound - Erika
5. Don’t take their vague behaviors personally.
Ultimately, passive aggressiveness is a communication problem—and sometimes, it’s not one you can fix.
In other words, if a friend, partner, or even your boss is consistently unwilling or unable to be direct, it may not be worth losing sleep over every cryptic comment. Often, these persistent behaviors say far more about what’s happening in their life—stress, personal insecurities, difficulty expressing themselves—than it does about you, says Young. Recognizing this might be the cue you need to stop decoding every ambiguous reply or tone shift, and start investing your mental energy into things you can control.
Because at the end of the day, “being assertive is actually one of the healthiest forms of communication,” Young explains—it doesn’t make you “demanding,” or “controlling.” “It lets people know how you're feeling without leaving them guessing,”—which is far more considerate and effective than tiptoeing around moods and trying to read minds.
Originally published on SELF.
