Feeling nervous or overstimulated during what’s supposed to be a “fun” social situation isn’t unusual. Some people are just naturally shy. Others may experience signs of social anxiety—and the tricky part is figuring out the difference.
On the surface, they might not sound all that different—especially if you’re someone who dreads small talk or needs time warming up to new people. Being reserved or introverted are both personality traits that can make group settings draining, but they don’t typically derail your life in the way social anxiety (a mental health condition) can.
The clinical definition of social anxiety disorder is a persistent, overwhelming fear (not just discomfort) of being judged by others—intense enough to interfere with your work, school, or relationships. But there are also more subtle, everyday forms that therapists commonly see and treat. “Not all anxiety is clinical,” Chloe Carmichael, PhD, New York City–based psychologist and author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of your Anxiety, tells SELF. And depending on the person, these milder experiences can be just as disruptive, making daily interactions (like meeting new people or speaking up in public) panic-inducing.
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Here are a few major ways to tell whether you’re socially anxious (versus shy)—plus expert-approved ways to navigate high-pressure events, parties, and public speaking opportunities.
1. You want to put yourself out there—but feel like you can’t.
Deep down, socially anxious people want to connect, Dr. Carmichael says. They just feel frozen by that fear of being criticized or rejected.
This could look like eyeing a fun, lively group at your college reunion, but stopping yourself from joining in. What if you kill the vibe? Or worse, they secretly make fun of you later? Or you have something important to say during a staff meeting, yet stay silent because you’re afraid of sounding dumb. Even sending a simple text like, “Want to hang out?” to a new friend can be terrifying, because you worry about seeming clingy, awkward, or “too much.”
2. You’re outgoing and talkative…but still feel disconnected from everyone.
Social anxiety doesn’t always look like someone hiding at home all weekend or retreating into the corner of a lively nightclub. Sometimes it lives inside those who are chatty, outgoing, and seemingly at ease in any crowd.
“You can absolutely be a socially anxious extrovert,” Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, tells SELF. In these cases, though, that inner turmoil is rooted in a gnawing doubt that maybe, you don’t really belong. Someone who accepts every invite and seemingly thrives in group scenes may still spend the entire evening obsessing over every word they said, or secretly wondering if their friends even wanted them there.
3. You tell yourself to relax, but your body’s not listening.
Often times, the signs of social anxiety tend to show up in the body before your brain can talk you down, Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD, director of the Program for Research on Anxiety Disorders among African Americans (PRADAA) at Kent State University, tells SELF.
So aside from that classic mental spiral of overthinking and second-guessing, your heart might race the second you spot a group of friends laughing without you (Are they making fun of me?). Your stomach might flip out of nowhere, hitting you with a sudden bout of nausea right as you’re getting ready for a networking event.
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4. You’re constantly afraid people are judging you, even after the interaction.
A core feature of social anxiety is that intense fear of rejection—and the nonstop rumination that comes with it.
“There’s a constant worry that people are judging you,” Dr. Hendriksen says. “For saying the wrong thing, being dressed poorly, or being perceived as boring, inadequate, or stupid.” These worries often linger long after the moment’s passed: Even after a really fun dinner date, for instance, your brain may keep fixating on that thing you said (Did I overshare?) or replaying the way you accidentally spit while talking (They probably think I’m so gross). Whereas if you’re shy or nervous, Dr. Hendriksen points out that you typically wouldn’t walk away from a relatively positive experience, still convinced everyone is secretly weirded out by you.
5. You don’t “warm up” the longer you’re there.
It’s normal to be tense, quiet, or nervous at first, then gradually loosen up once you’ve had a few conversations or warmed up to the group.
With social anxiety, however, that discomfort tends to stick around—even after you’ve mingled or if you’re with people you already know well. This is because the anxiety isn’t about breaking the ice, Dr. Neal-Barnett says. It’s that persistent, deep-rooted fear of being embarrassed, humiliated, or rejected, that doesn’t go away with time or familiarity.
6. You avoid important opportunities altogether.
We’re not just talking about skipping this month’s work happy hour or ghosting a party invite because you don’t recognize anyone on the guest list.
In more severe cases, socially anxious people may say no to major life moments out of fear, Dr. Hendriksen points out. Think: turning down a promotion that involves more public speaking, or skipping your best friend’s birthday because the thought of mingling with strangers isn’t worth it. Many folks may find these situations tough or overwhelming, too, but are able to push through. But people with social anxiety may miss out on these opportunities altogether.
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How to overcome social anxiety
The good news is that social anxiety isn’t a fixed personality trait. It’s something you can learn to manage and even improve over time.
In the moment, experts say that simple steps like deep breathing can help ease nerves. But for more long-term progress, Dr. Neal-Barnett recommends gradually exposing yourself to these anxiety-provoking group settings. That might mean working up the courage to stop by an intimate housewarming party (versus jumping straight into public speaking or a packed networking event). The idea is that the more you face these situations in a way that feels doable, the less intimidating they become.
Another strategy that Dr. Hendriksen suggests for her patients is reframing any small slip-ups (the stutter, the spilled drink, the joke that didn’t land). So often “we focus on all the mistakes on a date or a social interaction,” she says, while forgetting the more positive moments (like that fellow foodie you briefly chatted with or your stories that did make the crowd laugh). So it’s important to remember that inevitable mistakes or general awkwardness don’t ruin the entire experience—“or make you an incapable, flawed, or embarrassing person,” Dr. Hendriksen explains.
Making these changes on your own is easier said than done, though. And for more intense symptoms that resemble a clinical social anxiety disorder—overwhelming panic attacks, for instance, or avoidance so extreme it keeps you from going to work and maintaining relationships—every expert we spoke with agrees it’s best to see a therapist. These professionals can help you take these small, personalized steps in a supportive, safe space. Because while anxiety can turn first dates, work dinners, even casual get-togethers into high-stakes moments, it doesn’t have to control your life (or confidence).
Originally published on SELF.
