An inferiority complex might just sound like another one of those overused, relatable buzzwords. But it’s way more than the usual insecurity you get after yet another job rejection or noticing your friends coupling up while you’re still single.
“Think of it like having a really harsh inner critic that lives rent-free inside of your head and never takes a day off,” Elisa Martinez, LMFT, a San Francisco–based therapist, tells SELF. It’s a chronic and persistent mindset that you’re less than, usually shaped by early experiences like growing up under constant criticism or internalizing unrealistic, perfectionist standards about what success, beauty, or worth should look like. “You see yourself through this lens of inadequacy and inaccuracy”—like assuming one hangout without you means you’re not worth including or one date-gone-wrong confirms you’re completely unlovable.
If you’re questioning whether your hypercritical mindset (or dark, self-deprecating humor) has crossed into more harmful territory, here are some of the most common ways to spot an inferiority complex.
1. You can’t accept compliments because you genuinely don’t believe them.
Even the most sincere praise or impressive achievement can feel impossible to believe when you’re battling an inferiority complex. According to Charmaine Bryant, LCSW, owner of Release & Heal Psychotherapy LLC in New Jersey, people in this mindset will often dismiss compliments with thoughts like, I didn’t actually deserve that promotion—I just got lucky. They might also instinctively brush off kind words with absolute rejection (“Ugh you don’t have to lie, I look awful!”).
At the core is this belief that no matter how many wins you rack up, you somehow cheated the system…or people aren’t being honest with you, Bryant tells SELF. And while it may feel safer to downplay your success or reject recognition, this habit can quietly reinforce the same old story: You’re not enough.
2. You constantly beat yourself up with absolutes like “always” or “never.”
You’re not just disappointed that you didn’t run that race as quickly as you had hoped or got passed over for a promotion (again). Unlike simply being hard on yourself, an inferiority complex usually sounds extreme, black-and-white, and absolute. Instead of thinking, “I wish I’d done better,” you might jump to, “I never do anything right,” ”I’m always going to be behind in life,” or “Everyone knows I suck.”
“You either have to be flawless or you’re a failure,” Martinez says. “There’s no middle ground or gray area.” Not only is this all-or-nothing thinking inaccurate, however, it also leaves no room for nuance, self-compassion, or growth. (And really, how could anyone be confident when their brain is feeding them such unforgiving thoughts after small slipups?)
3. You interpret even gentle feedback as proof you’re failing.
No one enjoys receiving constructive criticism. But even the mildest, most well-meaning suggestions can hit like personal attacks for those struggling with an inferiority complex…and be enough to spark a shame spiral.
A casual comment from your boss about improving a task, for example, might be interpreted as confirmation that you suck at your job. (Ugh, why’d they even hire me? Everyone knows I don’t belong.) A gentle comment from your partner about how you could’ve handled last night’s disagreement differently may suddenly become proof that you’re an all-around inadequate person who deserves to get dumped.
“When we receive feedback, it’s normal to have a moment of self-doubt. We feel bad, but that usually passes,” Martinez explains. However, “some people might ruminate on it or obsess about it for days, since it reinforces all of this negative stuff that they already believe about themselves.”
4. You look at other people’s wins and automatically wonder what’s wrong with you.
It’s pretty much impossible not to do this to some extent (thanks, social media highlight reels). However, with inferiority complexes, those comparisons don’t just feel like passing moments of envy. Instead, they become a lens through which you judge your worth…or rather, your perceived lack of it, according to Bryant.
Whether someone announces a new gig, shares an engagement update, or posts about their impressive lifting PR, your mind might race with thoughts like, “No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be as good as this person,” or, “I’m clearly not talented enough, or else I’d be where they are now.” You’re not simply wishing you had what they had—you’re convinced there’s something flawed about you for not measuring up.
5. You try really, really hard to gain other people’s approval.
If you’re convinced you’re somehow lacking as you are, it makes sense that you might feel the pressure to “earn” your worth. Because when you don’t believe you’re sufficient on your own, external praise and approval become your only lifeline to fill that void. That’s why, with inferiority complexes, “there’s often this real, Olympic-level people-pleasing with hardly any boundaries,” Martinez says.
This can show up in small ways, like over-apologizing for quirks that make you you (“Sorry, it’s probably so weird that I love gory horror movies”), or agreeing with the crowd only because you’re afraid your own opinions aren’t interesting. Then there are even more subtle, damaging people-pleasing behaviors to look out for, Martinez points out. Such as tolerating mistreatment in relationships (romantic or otherwise) because your inferiority complex convinces you that’s all you deserve. Or at work, maybe you push yourself to the point of burnout so others will see how “smart” you are and feel completely crushed if they don’t.
How to get rid of an inferiority complex
What’s frustrating about an inferiority complex is that it’s a mindset—meaning, it can feel nearly impossible to suddenly unlearn a lifetime of automatic, negative thoughts. That’s why both the experts we spoke with agree: Working with a therapist is one of the best ways to get to the root of where your inadequacy is coming from and then break those patterns with expert guidance.
Now, that’s not to say you have to tackle all your baggage to ease an inferiority complex’s grip on your life. On your own, you can take small steps like resisting the natural instinct to swat away compliments (“Nooo, I look awful”) and swapping it with a simple, “Thanks! I like my outfit today too” instead. Bryant also suggests tracking your wins and strengths, either in a notebook or in your phone. That way, on days when your insecurity hits hard, you can remember how you, say, made it to the final round of interviews or have a tight-knit friend group—and see these moments as evidence that you’re more valuable than your nagging doubts let on.
Ultimately, healing from an inferiority complex isn’t about striving for perfection. “It’s a gradual process of getting comfortable with being flawed and worthy at the same time,” Martinez says—and once you embrace that these two truths can coexist, that’s when your inner bully will finally start to lose its grip.
Originally published on SELF.
