Aunty Pearl: Is it wrong to fake my orgasms?

Aunty Pearl says stop spreading fake news. Sharing is an actual gesture of caring when it comes to your orgasm

The question isn’t (and should never be) ‘is it wrong?’ Although if you have to ask, I’m guessing something about it doesn’t feel right, either. And when it comes to matters of the heart and sexual fulfilment, my advice is to always go with what feels right.

wellness

Are you and your long term partner experiencing a sex drought? Here's how to reignite the spark so you never have a dull sex life again, according to a sex therapist

Let’s start with the ‘why’. Why are you faking it? The obvious answer is that you are not experiencing sexual fulfilment. This can be due to a number of factors: emotional, physical and psychological. The questions you should be asking are ‘why aren’t you talking openly about it and addressing these technicalities together? Why do you not feel you can discuss this openly and honestly? What is it you feel you have to hide or be ashamed of? Are you trying to protect somebody’s feelings through a lie or denial of pleasure?’

Have a think. The answers are important.

Now let’s face a few realities: your orgasm (or lack thereof) may or may not even have anything to do with your lover/sexual partner and their sexual ability. The chances are that your mind is getting in the way or you just aren’t familiar enough with your own body and what makes it tick. You are probably so worried about your own performance, or about wounding his or her sexual ego that you choose to fake it to avoid embarrassment or to protect his or her feelings. The good thing about this is that it shows you care about them. The bad thing is that it shows you carry shame around your inability to climax. What this also means is that you are unwilling to trust the relationship enough to be vulnerable and honest about these things or grow together, sexually.

So ask yourself this: ‘What do you or your sexual partner have to gain from you faking your orgasms?’

Answer: absolutely nothing.

Fake orgasms are totally irrational. You miss out on a valuable and completely necessary experience that you deserve to have. You miss out on an opportunity to be physically and sexually vulnerable, which is often paramount to intimacy of any kind. And your partner misses out on the satisfaction of being able to assist you to the point of true climax, which for a lot of sexual partners is half the fun. This is a statistical fact. Your partner wants you to cum. So why aren’t you helping them help you do this?

Stop faking your orgasms! There’s absolutely no point in doing it. Start having open and honest conversations. This may seem scary at first, but letting those guards down is half the work and can actually have exhilarating side effects on your intimacy levels, because if one person is comfortable enough to speak openly and honestly about what pushes their buttons, so can the other partner. The result: better sex for both of you.

Now for some homework. Your journey towards climaxing in bed starts with yourself. Can you make yourself cum? If you haven’t put in the groundwork and don’t understand your own body or pleasure triggers, then how do you expect anybody else to? You and your vagina need to become very closely acquainted so that when it comes to sex with a partner you will have a much better lay of the land. Also, do you understand that you have a clitoris and that is vital to your own sexual pleasure? If you need help figuring out your anatomy, send some time researching online. There are hundreds of free resources for this and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed by not knowing. Thousands of women have never experienced orgasm and do not understand their anatomy correctly because they were never taught or encouraged to have sex for pleasure. If this is the first time you are hearing, then it is with great pride and satisfaction that I tell you: you have every right to have sex and to do so for your own pleasure, not just for procreation.

Now that that’s out of the way, you also you need to give yourself permission to be more sexually assertive in bed. What this means is stop being submissive for the benefit of your partner. When you put on a performance in bed, you are simply playing into problematic sexual stereotypes that we’ve all inherited. You are not a porn star. You are not having sex for the entertainment of others. You are having sex because you want to and want to derive extreme satisfaction from it. So stop being a pushover in bed. There are no oscars at the end of this performance. Seize the opportunity to direct your partner, to help them do more of what is needed to help you cum. When they see and feel the real thing happening, they will know. And they will enjoy the fact that you are taking more initiative for yourself. Your pleasure will be pleasurable to them.

And finally, remember this: you may think you’re a good actor, but nobody is that convincing. Chances are your partner already knows you’re faking it. Start being honest, today. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sex Tips