Motivation Monday: Let's talk about shedding

Growth is often celebrated, but far less attention is given to what it requires us to leave behind. Whether it’s an outdated identity, limiting belief, relationship dynamic, or version of ourselves we’ve simply outgrown, transformation is rarely just about becoming, it’s also about shedding.

In a culture that rewards constant striving and reinvention, wellness coach and transformation guide, Melissa Lainn offers a gentler perspective. She believes that growth is less about forcing change and more about allowing it; less about losing parts of ourselves and more about creating space for who we’re becoming. “The idea of ‘shedding’ can be letting go of things that no longer serve us and it can also be a metaphor for the allowance of change, regeneration, and growth,” she says. Noting that if we use snakes shedding their skin as an archetype we see that it’s because there has been renewal, and the new skin is there to accommodate their increase in size, their growth. “This happens to us on many levels too, we grow and we need to take up more space, so we shed the older, smaller, versions of us. I used to think it was about losing something, but it’s actually about making room for more,” she enlightens.

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GLAMOUR: You appear to be in a season of renewal. What has this chapter taught you about release, reinvention, and self-discovery?

Melissa Lainn: Yes, these seasons come around ever so often because of inner or external growth. They are always a reminder to me that as we go about life, as we are householders, as we do and be and have, inner growth occurs too. Sometimes it’s obvious, other times it’s subtle, but as we grow we need to make room for the fuller, bigger, more expansive version of ourselves.
That means change, allowing and surrendering to the natural cycles of our lives. I find myself like many, scared and resistant at first but when the winds of change blow, you have no choice but to let the dead leaves fall to make room for the new blooms.

G: Looking back, was there a defining moment that made you realise you needed to let go of an old identity, belief, or way of being?

ML: Suffering. The suffering of trying to go back to the old version of myself, to pretend not to have grown to keep people comfortable, to keep things ‘the way they are’ while nothing was really the same. Suffering the pain of trying to keep myself small while I had become fuller was what sent me on a journey of practicing more allowance, trust and ultimately surrender. I had to learn that just like an acorn turns into an oak tree and a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, I will become more of myself if I allow the natural progression of my life to unfold. No matter how scary the darkness may get at times.

G: Do you find that many of your clients are carrying versions of themselves that they have outgrown? How does that show up in their lives?

ML: Yes, often. In the body they experience it as tension, restlessness, constriction, and a physical need to withdraw from people, places and situations that were once fine. Often they have a need to ‘harden’ almost like a soul cocoon, through setting boundaries, saying no more often, experiencing more anger and feeling protective of themselves suddenly. Their ambitions shift, their relationship dynamics change without any one thing happening and the biggest indicator is grief. They all have a subtle soul grief that they carry with them for a while, not understanding that they’ve outgrown themselves and are mourning that version, that life, that relationship as a natural next step.

G: Why do you think people often struggle to let go, even when they know something is no longer serving them?

ML: Safety. We are wired for safety and the safest thing is sameness. It’s predictable, it’s manageable, it’s controllable, it’s what brings order, structure, and comfort. But, change, now that’s the unknown you see. It’s full of things we haven’t faced before, unexpected occurrences and the discomfort that only new things can bring. We struggle to let go because it doesn’t feel safe to do, even if the old no longer serves us. It’s a completely natural part of the process, but it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning.

G: In your work, what are some of the most common things people need to shed to move forward: limiting beliefs, unhealthy relationships, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or something else?

ML: I would say we need to shed the belief that we need permission to change, to grow, to evolve. Most of the suffering I see is the belief that we are not allowed to become more and that if we do, we may lose something. Some believe they will lose relationships, family, acceptance, money, a prominent position, their community, and the list goes on. Wrapped up in that belief we usually see the rest naturally changing like the people-pleasing coping mechanism dissolving, the unhealthy eating patterns changing, the unhealthy relationships reaching a natural end. It’s all wrapped up in allowing ourselves to be the fuller version of ourselves we know we were born to be. Allowing the acorn to become the oak tree.

G: How can someone tell the difference between being resilient and simply holding on to something that needs to be released?

ML: Suffering. Resilience is like putting a muscle under some stress, it becomes stronger and grows. But holding on to things that need to be released causes suffering, pain, lack and weakening of our soul’s muscles. We know the difference, we just gaslight ourselves for a while sometimes because of fear. If we take a moment to sit with ourselves, we will be able to feel the difference.

G: We often hear about becoming the “best version” of ourselves. Do you believe transformation is more about adding new things or stripping away what no longer aligns with who we are?

ML: The best version of yourself is the one you are right now if you allow it to be. We usually need a bit of both: some learning and some letting go. Some growth and some shedding. Some effort and some surrender. Life is a glorious paradox in that sense. If you see yourself as the best version of yourself right now, you will begin to realign with what is needed. Then just live it, follow it, become it, let go of it. Each one of our situations is so very unique.

G: Have you noticed any recurring patterns among clients who are going through major life transitions such as divorce, career changes, grief, or burnout?

ML: The only constant in life is change, but when there is a sort of upheaval or falling apart we need to pay attention. Many experience loss, whether that is of a loved one, a relationship, a dream, a state of being or their health. That loss usually opens up space for transformation to occur, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. Every ending ultimately feeds a new beginning.

G: What role does self-awareness play in the shedding process?

ML: Self-awareness is one of our biggest gifts. It helps us be aware of subtle changes in ourselves and how they affect the world around us. I think the key is to see self-awareness as a sort of first step that should be followed by action. Being aware of what needs to change and actually living it is two different states. The living of life always trumps the observing of life.

G: Shedding can be uncomfortable and emotionally taxing. How do you help clients navigate the uncertainty that often comes with change?

ML: Resting more. Getting out of their minds and into their bodies even if it’s just through a good, long cry. Having rituals and practices to bring the invisible feelings of change into a physical action, like baths, writing letters to their old selves, or even creating art. Nourishing themselves with nature, good food, mindful movement and a spiritual practice as an anchor. And then being open to receive love and support from those around us, sometimes it’s something we need to learn to allow.

G: From a wellness perspective, what impact can holding onto outdated identities, unresolved emotions, or toxic environments have on our mental and physical wellbeing?

ML: Our bodies really do keep the score. We can have subtle signs like shallow breathing and tight shoulders, digestive issues, chronic fatigue, hormonal imbalances and more from the body being in a prolonged state of fight-or-flight. Mentally our cognitive load increases. It takes a lot of energy to manage the gap between who you are and who you are performing. It can show up as brain fog, low-level anxiety, and can even be linked to some depression. I believe it’s so important to have professional help during these big transitions so that you can be sure your body and mind are still taken care of while you navigate soul changes.

G: Are there any practices or exercises you recommend for people who are trying to release what no longer serves them?

ML: It’s always very individual and nuanced, so first of all, where possible get a professional to help guide you through the part of the process where you are right now. Symbolic releases are always powerful and something many of us have lost. Rituals and symbolic releases work on the level of the subconscious so having a ceremony for the parts of you that have changed, writing a letter to your old self thanking them, forgiving them, or being honest with them in a private way can be very powerful. Bury the paper or burn it if safe, eat a good meal, have a good cry, dance to a song that makes you feel alive and take a cleansing bath or shower. See it as the end of an era. Then look for opportunities to embody the new you from that moment on. Small changes can have a big impact on our journey.

G: How important is self-compassion during periods of transformation?

ML: Self-compassion is vital. Not expecting the butterfly when you are still very much the goo in the chrysalis takes compassion and honesty. We tend to reward quick changes, dramatic transformation and hard work in our society. But lasting transformation requires slowing down and softening. Treat yourself like you would someone you love.

G: In your experience, what often awaits people on the other side of letting go?

ML: Ah, letting go can sometimes feel like the hour right before dawn. You may expect the sun to rise like a light switch, but that’s not how nature works. It’s usually a slow, subtle gleam over the horizon, colors changing from darkest navy to a light blue, subtle rays peaking through and lighting up the sky. It doesn’t happen all at once, and thankfully so, it takes time and time is our friend. It allows us to stretch our wings, to get ready, to warm up a bit and then take flight. It shows up differently for each person. But you will know by the relief you feel, the fullness you feel, regardless of what is happening around you.

G: If you could give one piece of advice to someone who knows they need to shed an old chapter but feels afraid to take the first step, what would it be?

ML: As silly as it may feel, allow yourself to grieve. Grieve who you were, grieve the relationship, grieve the dreams and grieve the losses. You are allowed to have loved the old life and be ready for a new one. Grieve it. Your growth is inevitable, but it is often accompanied by grief. And when you have, choose to celebrate. Celebrate the transformation, celebrate the expansion and celebrate life!