Wellness Wednesday: Clinical Psychologist Kiara Sunder shares how you can reclaim your identity as a new mom

Becoming a mother is one of life’s most profound transformations. Yet, amid the diapers, sleepless nights, and endless cuddles, it’s easy to lose sight of the person you were before the baby. Clinical Psychologist Kiara Sunder wants to help moms reconnect with their full identity—and remind them that they’re not just moms.

“You know those days when you just need a minute?” says Kiara. “It can be something small, like coming home after a busy day and your daughter is excited to tell you a story, which is adorable, but you’re feeling overstimulated. Then it escalates—escaping to the loo only to have your toddler pop their head in after you. It’s like there's no boundary.”

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Kiara explains that this overwhelming sense of being needed can cause a woman’s other identities—partner, friend, colleague, daughter—to feel like they’ve faded into the background.

“Motherhood requires a restructuring of your goals, behaviours, and responsibilities to form a new conception of self,” she says, referencing research by Meeussen & Van Laar (2018) and Mercer (2004). “Your brain is literally rewired after childbirth—particularly in the areas of empathy and social cognition—and this can last for at least two years. It’s no wonder it feels all-consuming.”

Why Identity Loss Happens

From both a psychological and neurological standpoint, Kiara says that the shift into motherhood is profound. The maternal brain is primed to protect and nurture. This makes multitasking difficult when all energy and thought are directed at the child’s well-being.

“Add to that the societal expectation to ‘do it all’ and smile through it—and it’s no surprise many mothers start to feel invisible in their own lives,” she says.

But she also emphasises that there is a way back to self without guilt.

“Ask yourself this: Do I want my child to mother the way I do? If you’ve given up your hobbies or social life, they’re learning from that too,” she explains. “Maybe you loved running or writing before motherhood. Rejoining your running club once a week can model healthy balance and personal fulfillment.”

Reclaiming the 'You' Beyond 'Mom'

It’s not about choosing between being a mom and being you, says Kiara. It’s about allowing both identities to coexist.

“You can be both 'mother' and 'friend'. When you give yourself permission to hold space for more than one identity, they stop competing and start coexisting,” she says. “Our children are watching. They’re learning how to be human from us.”

Connection also plays a vital role. She encourages creating informal support groups; fellow moms you can call just to vent or laugh. This helps shift conversations from the transactional (“Who’s doing the dishes?”) to the meaningful and joyful.

If possible, create structures that support you. “That might be a family member on a rotating schedule, a trusted babysitter, or simply a consistent routine. Freeing up time, even in small increments, helps your mind breathe again.”

When there's more breathing room, practices like journaling or therapy can help mothers reflect and rediscover parts of themselves that have been temporarily set aside.

“Sometimes, the bravest thing a mother can do is speak up,” She concludes. “Not to demand more—but to gently reclaim what’s always been hers: her full self.”

Kiara Sunder’s Top Tips for Reclaiming Your Identity After Motherhood

Reflect on What You’ve Lost—and Loved List activities or roles you enjoyed pre-motherhood. Which ones still resonate? Start small—maybe a hobby once a week.

Model the Balance You Want Your Child to See Children internalize how they see their parents live. Show them it’s okay to be multifaceted.

Allow Dual Identities to Coexist You don’t have to choose. Being a loving mother and a devoted friend, partner, or professional can happen at the same time.

Build a Support Circle Informal “mom squads” or a trusted friend to vent to can make a world of difference.

Establish Structures That Support You Whether it's family help, childcare, or predictable routines, support systems create the space needed to nurture your other identities.

Make Time for Self-Reflection Journaling and therapy are tools to help you reconnect with your evolving sense of self.

Give Yourself Permission You’re not failing by wanting more—you’re thriving by honoring all parts of yourself.

Because the best version of ‘Mom’ is the one who also remembers who she is.

Meet the Expert:

Kiara Sunder holds a master's degree in clinical psychology. Her journey has been marked by diverse experiences, from her time as a lecturer to roles in both government and private sectors. She is a strong advocate for mental health awareness. Kiara has a special interest in child and maternal mental health. She is a featured expert speaker on Postnatal Depression for Babies R Us as part of the Real Mama Club, presenting across various provinces in South Africa throughout 2024 and 2025. Presently, she has a thriving private practice situated in the vibrant city of Durban. Beyond her professional endeavours she is a mom to a toddler and holds a brown belt in karate