Lots of us can pinpoint that gut-level certainty when a romantic relationship has run its course. But the signs it’s time to end a friendship are often harder to define (and much trickier to follow through on).
In dating, classic red flags tend to be a bit more obvious—think constant fighting, infidelity, major value differences. Then “there’s usually a conversation that happens, and it’s clear you’re going your separate ways,” Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, tells SELF.
Friendships, however, don’t always have such definitive “we’re done” moments. Sometimes a once strong connection can become one-sided, fade because of changing priorities and schedules, or take a more toxic turn—which explains why “a lot of people just phase out,” Dr. Bradford says, leaving them stuck in an awkward limbo of what to do next.
For the record, one argument or rough patch doesn’t automatically mean you have to cut your bestie off for good—or deliver a breakup manifesto. Friendships are deeply personal, meaning what’s a deal-breaker for one person might be forgivable for another. Still, if you’ve been second-guessing your bond for a while (and something feels…off), it may be time to take a closer look. Read on for the most common signs it’s time to end a friendship, according to experts.
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1. You focus more on what’s wrong than what’s good.
Basically, the bad outweighs the good. So instead of enjoying your pal’s company or appreciating who they are, you find yourself fixating on everything they do wrong or that pisses you off.
This hyperfocus on the negatives usually means resentment has already built up and ultimately changed your connection into something more draining and unsupportive, Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder of Catalyst Counseling in Houston, tells SELF. In practice, this might show up as “dwelling on past grievances or automatically interpreting their behaviors in the worst possible light,” Atkinson says. You immediately assume their sarcastic joke was meant to hurt you, or decide they don’t care about you just because they didn’t check in during a bad week. You might also start seeing little quirks that once felt endearing (their dry humor, their silly catchphrases) as grating and overwhelming when the friendship has soured.
2. You dread seeing them.
Everyone has moments when they’re not in the mood to socialize—we’re not talking about these, though. It’s a red flag when spending time with a particular friend consistently fills you with dread, anxiety, or resentment.
There may be a few reasons you’re pulling away. Perhaps you’re dodging their calls, texts, and invites because you know every hangout will turn into a vent session about their relationship problems. Or you avoid situations where you might run into them (like a mutual acquaintance’s birthday party) because you’ve grown apart and have nothing in common anymore, turning every conversation into forced, awkward small talk.
“Really good friendships should make you feel like you can’t wait until next time,” Dr. Bradford points out. “You had fun. You’re energized. So if you’re regularly exhausted or frustrated about how you wasted your time, these are all invitations to ask yourself, ‘Why am I feeling this way with someone I call a friend? Why don’t I feel this way with my other friends?’”
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3. You hide parts of yourself when you’re with them.
Friendships are supposed to be where you can let your guard down and be your full, authentic self. That’s why censoring yourself and walking on eggshells can be one of the biggest signs it’s time to end a friendship, according to Atkinson.
For example, “You notice that you’re keeping important details from this person—about your career, relationships, or struggles—and seek support from others instead,” Atkinson says. Or you find yourself sticking to superficial topics (versus what’s really going on in your life) because you’re worried your deeper thoughts will be met with judgment…or become fodder for gossip. Whatever the reason, hiding who you are will leave you feeling lonely and disconnected, which are things a solid friendship should never make you feel.
4. You talk about them more than you talk to them.
It’s a pretty clear clue that your friendship isn’t working when you’re complaining about it to everyone except…well, the friend themselves.
As much as confrontation can suck, wanting to talk things out usually means you still care enough to make it work. So when you’re consistently talking behind their back in your group chats or with your partner, “that could be a sign you’re seeking external validation for your resentment,” Atkinson explains—as if you’re subconsciously hoping someone will agree your “friend” is flaky, messy, and unreliable.
5. You share how you feel but there’s no change.
On that note…let’s say you do speak up: “Hey, I don’t like when you say I have ‘bad taste’ in men,” “Lately, I feel like I’ve been the one initiating our hangouts, and I’d love to see that effort reciprocated.”
Someone who’s good for you will listen and want to resolve those hiccups, which is why Dr. Bradford says it’s worth paying attention to their reaction. Do they seem apologetic and understanding? (“Of course, I’m sorry, and I won’t make those comments again”) or do they deflect blame and minimize your hurt altogether (“Stop being sooo sensitive. It was a joke”). Healthy friendships are supposed to be flexible, mutual, and caring, Dr. Bradford points out, meaning you shouldn’t be the only person holding it together (or worse, being shamed for wanting to).
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How to break up with a friend
There’s no single, foolproof checklist for knowing when to dump a friend. But after honest reflection (and maybe reading this article), you may realize this person no longer has a place in your life. So how do you officially “break up” with them?
Different types of friendships call for different approaches, Dr. Bradford says. With more casual, distant ones—or those you haven’t talked to in ages—“it’s okay to kind of just phase out,” she suggests, and potentially offer a gentle explanation if they do ask (“Things have been hectic for me, so I’m not able to be as responsive with you”).
For the loved ones you once considered close—a bestie you check in with daily or someone who’s just been an integral part of your life—it’s worth having an honest conversation. At the very least, “let them know you’re going your separate ways,” Dr. Bradford says—ideally with an explanation that uses “I” statements rather than pointed accusations. (For example, “I felt really hurt by the way you [insert behavior], so that’s why I think it’s best for me to take a step back,” versus, “You clearly don’t care about me, so I’m done.”)
Ending a friendship doesn’t erase the history you shared together. But as life goes on, so do our needs, priorities, and sometimes, the people in it. You deserve a support system that makes you feel seen, safe, and loved—and that alone can be reason enough to let go.
Originally published on SELF.
