Can you be blamed for giving your ex a second chance? Most of us have felt the draw of been-there-before. In fact, the real-life ‘ex’ factor is even more addictive than the TV show. However you split up, “It’s natural to question whether life will be easier if you go back,” says psychotherapist Annie Bennett, author of The Love Trap. “But big issues won’t go away unless you discuss them.” It can work, though – as these GLAMOUR readers prove…
He needed a break to get over his ex
“Guy* asked me out four months after he’d broken up with his ex of five years. I should have questioned if he was ready – but I liked him too much. Despite chemistry and lots in common, he’d never admit we were a couple, barely texted me and refused to stop seeing his ex. After six months of paranoia, I ended it, but we continued to hook up over the next year. Friends warned he’d never change and I’d had enough, too. Until, six months later, he said his ex was 100% out of his life and he loved me. What can I say? One year on, it’s so different. He calls me his girlfriend, I know all of his mates and we’re going travelling.” – Emma, 27
Related: 5 Break-up DOs and DON’Ts
Being over was harder than being long distance
“Tim and I met online. He was funny, handsome and intelligent – but he lived in London, while I was in Pittsburgh, US. Neither of us thought it would get serious, but within a few weeks, we knew it was something special. When he came to visit me, I fell in love. We started dating, but it was hard: flights were expensive, and it was so traumatic not knowing when we’d see each other again that we ended it after a year. Friends said it was for the best, but we realised how much we meant to each other. We got back together – and got engaged a few months later. I moved to the UK and we’re now happily married.” – Lauren, 29
He said he’d been an idiot to end it
“Ash and I had been going out for six years when he stormed out after a row. He stayed away for a week without calling and when he returned I told him to leave – how could he put me through that? We didn’t talk for three months, but then he began apologising, saying that he’d made a mistake. After six months, I finally agreed to meet up. I thought I was over him, but the chemistry came rushing back and he seemed so passionate about our future. Going back was a huge decision. But he had changed. We got married a year and half later, and we now have a daughter. The time apart made him realise what was important.” – Lou, 33
Thinking of going back? Read this first
Be second-time smart, says relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall.
- Don’t forget why you left in the first place. It’s easy to fantasise about how perfect a relationship was, but sit down with a close friend and discuss honestly what didn’t work and whether these issues have now been resolved. Then speak to your ex and ask for assurance that it will be different this time.
- Be prepared to take all of him back – not just the good bits. If he cheated, ask yourself, ‘Is it enough that he says he won’t do it again?’ And if you cheated – what’s changed? Are you only going back because you feel guilty?
- Know if you want him, or just someone. When you split up, craving your ex is like overcoming an addiction. Going back stops the pain – but is the decision motivated by loneliness? Think about this: if you met him for the very first time today, knowing all that you do, would you still choose to be with him?
Taken from GLAMOUR UK. Read the original article here.