School extra-mural forms. Grocery lists. Hunting down your child’s missing takkies. Booking the next dentist appointment for your child’s sore tooth. Buying stationery. Buying cleaning products. Throwing out clothes and cleaning out your junk drawer. How’s that ever-growing to-do list looking? Welcome to the ‘mother’s mental load’, which for many women has become a full-time job, often alongside the one they’re actually being paid for.
The mother’s mental load isn’t just about doing the tasks: it’s also about anticipating them and remembering them, all while holding space for emotions that may come up in your partner or family. For many women, then, the mental load is an invisible burden that, if not managed properly, can result in emotional burnout, anxiety, or a deep sense of letting others down.
While as women we’ve certainly made strides when it comes to things like equal pay and shared parenting, the emotional burden of a household still often falls disproportionately on women. The result? A generation of women is trying to “have it all” while quietly falling apart.
What emotional burnout looks like
Burnout isn’t always a dramatic event. It can also manifest as tearfulness over small things, struggling to concentrate, or going through the motions with things you used to enjoy. While these may seem minor, if left unchecked, they can lead to more serious mental health issues, from chronic stress to anxiety and depression. The problem is that many mothers struggle to ask for help. After all, they’re used to being the caregivers rather than the ones who are cared for. Besides the fact that we should be tough enough to cope, surely we don’t have time to fall apart?
But the simple truth is that mental health isn’t a luxury. Rather, it’s a necessity if you’re going to be able to give your best in your life and to the ones you love, including your children. If you’re feeling burdened by the invisible mental load, here are five small shifts you can make to make life just that much smoother:
- Acknowledge your feelings
Sometimes, simply acknowledging that you are carrying a load can bring a sense of relief. This could be acknowledging that you’re carrying the pressure to be the perfect mother, feeling guilty about taking time for yourself, or struggling to manage the emotions within your family. To help you identify these, try journalling, breathwork, talk therapy, or even just a conversation with a good friend who you trust.
- Stop glorifying being overburdened
While you may feel that sacrifice makes you a better person, it’s not sustainable, so start noticing where you’re the one who takes on more than your share. Whether it’s at work, at home or in your relationship, set boundaries of what you’re willing to take on, and ask others to take on what’s not yours. Allowing others to step up can even improve relationships with your spouse, your colleagues, your children and your extended family.
- Get emotional support
Traditionally we think of mental health support as speaking to a therapist, but getting support can also involve talking to a trusted friend or family member. Technology can also be helpful for this, whether it’s connecting with a support group or like-minded people on social media or groups on platforms like WhatsApp. If you belong to a medical aid, you may also be able to get mental health resources as part of your plan’s benefits. Fedhealth members, for example, get a mental health benefit that includes access to the October Health app, which offers free daily group sessions, chat support and access to mental health professionals.
- Redefine what real rest means
Real rest isn’t lying in bed and scrolling through your phone while going over your to-do list for tomorrow. It’s switching off completely – even briefly – from the mental chatter. Consider carving out time for going for a walk alone, resting on your patio or in the garden, or taking the time to do a simple action mindfully, like sipping a cup of tea. There’s a tendency for mothers to feel guilty about taking a brief rest, no matter how brief, but rest means being more productive over the long term.
- Don’t try to fix everything
Mothers often assume the role of problem-solver-in-chief, whether it’s soothing tantrums, picking up the slack at work or even fixing their own sense of worry. But constantly trying to ‘fix’ everything can be emotionally draining and often reinforces the idea that everything depends on you. Instead, start by asking: “Does this really need to be solved by me?” Sometimes, letting others sit with their own discomfort, whether it’s a child’s boredom or a colleague’s mistake, is not only okay, but healthy.
The invisible mental load that mothers carry is real, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Pretending you’re fine when you’re not is a sure way to result in a more serious mental health issue. So have the courage to be honest about how you’re feeling, and make a commitment to prioritise your mental health if things are less than ideal. When women take care of themselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, they don’t just survive; they thrive. And that shift can change everything.
