Understanding trauma bonds: Signs you might be in one

Not every toxic relationship announces itself with obvious red flags. Some are far more subtle: You’re dating a person who’s generally warm and attentive, until they suddenly give the cold shoulder when they’re upset. Someone who plans extravagant dates and shows you off…but also flirts with others or lies about small things in ways that leave you second-guessing your worth. From the outside, staying in these uneven dynamics can look like passivity or even low self-esteem. But what often keeps someone there isn’t weakness—it’s a much more complex attachment known as a trauma bond.

You may already be familiar with this trendy buzzword, most commonly used to describe bonding with someone over a shared negative experience (like surviving the same unbearable boss or being cheated on by the same jerk). But this isn’t the correct definition—a trauma bond is a term psychologists use to describe abusive relationships, and why people subconsciously stay with someone who hurts them.

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More specifically, a trauma bond relationship is an intense, emotional attachment with a person who’s both your source of comfort and pain, Sienna Chu, LMHC, licensed therapist based in New York City, tells SELF. That’s because, biologically, we’re wired to seek safety and support from these attachment figures—parents, friends, romantic partners—which makes things complicated when that same individual is the one subtly manipulating or dismissing us.

This dynamic, Chu says, can form a uniquely powerful relationship—one that feels deeply intimate and passionate but is also incredibly hard to break. Wondering if you’re in a trauma bond relationship? Here are the most subtle signs—plus, what it takes to start untangling yourself from it.

What are the signs of a trauma bond relationship?

1. You’re stuck in a cycle of high highs and low lows.

What makes trauma bonds so complex is that the relationship isn’t manipulation and emotional chaos 24/7, Terri Messman, PhD, professor of psychology at Miami University and co-author of Integrating Mindfulness into Psychotherapy for Trauma, tells SELF. It also includes heartwarming moments—affection, vulnerable conversations, and passionate apologies that resemble swoon-worthy romance.

In fact, many trauma bonds usually begin with a honeymoon phase—a rush of closeness that Dr. Messman says may feel special, rare, even fated. But once there’s a negative incident—a fight, a passive-aggressive jab, an instance of micro-cheating—your brain doesn’t register these hurtful actions as red flags. Instead, it clings onto those “good” times as proof that the relationship is worth holding onto. (Remember how sweet they were last week? How sorry they seemed after the last blowup?) When really, it’s just the start of another cycle of affection followed by mistreatment.

2. You blame yourself for their bad behavior.

In a trauma bond relationship, the same person is capable of providing warmth and validation to keep you hooked—that is, only if you “earn” it by behaving the “right” way, Elena Welsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Trauma Survivors’ Strategies for Healing, tells SELF.

So instead of seeing their outbursts as red flags, you blame yourself, Dr. Welsh says. If only you had handled that conversation differently…if you weren’t so sensitive and jealous…if you spent less time with your friends…then things would be better. As a result of this internalization, it’s also common to walk on eggshells to avoid their anger), for example, or make unfair sacrifices (like distancing yourself from friends, turning a blind eye to cheating) in order to keep the peace. But that kind of self-blame is a key part of trauma bonds, Dr. Welsh says, convincing you that you must endure the mistreatment in order to receive kindness.

3. You isolate yourself to protect the relationship.

According to Chu, “a key marker of being trauma bonded is that you start to withdraw yourself.” For instance, you may avoid reaching out to friends or family because you’re afraid they’ll disapprove of the relationship or offer advice you’re not ready to hear (“This isn’t okay.” “You deserve better.”). Or perhaps your partner is the one who’s separating you by calling your friends “bad influences,” getting angry when you spend time with others, or guilt-tripping you for leaning on anyone else.

When your entire world and support system shrinks down to just one person (the very one who’s making you doubt yourself), it becomes nearly impossible to see how unhealthy things have become. Even worse, the fear of being alone if you do leave can convince you it’s easier (and safer) to stay, Chu adds.

4. You don’t know who you are without them.

In a trauma bond, your identity and self-worth can become so wrapped up in the relationship that even brief separation triggers intense fear, Dr. Messman says—not just of losing them, but of losing yourself.

In healthy relationships, your love life is one aspect of who you are, but it shouldn’t be the only one. Ideally, you’d still have your own friends, hobbies, interests, and routines outside of who you’re dating. But with trauma bonds, that independence usually fades, and “it’s common to start identifying yourself through the lens of, ‘I’m just their partner,’” Dr. Messman says. For those reasons, even small instances of perceived distance (whether it’s a delayed text, shift in tone, or a missed call) can send you spiraling into a panic: Are they going to leave me? What if they don’t love me anymore? And perhaps a deeper question: Who am I without them?

Breaking It Down: What a Trauma Bond Is and How to Recognise One, Image: Freepik

How to break a trauma bond and leave the relationship

1. First, acknowledge it’s a trauma bond—not love.

It’s easy to romanticize those affectionate memories and mistake them for passion, intimacy, or love. But remember that it’s not—and recognizing that (with the signs above) is a key first step for moving on, Chu points out.

For one, naming your experience helps you reframe it: “Rather than telling yourself, I love this person, I need this person, I feel so guilty and so responsible, you’re shifting to something more objective like, I’m experiencing these feelings because I am trauma bonded to them,” Chu explains. That distinction can be an incredibly invalidating reminder that you’re not weak or broken for struggling to let go—your brain is simply conditioned to cling onto those sporadic moments of hope and safety.

2. Confide in someone you trust.

The very problem with trauma bonds is how alone they make you feel, which is only compounded by the fear that others won’t understand or, worse, will judge you.

“Oftentimes, there’s a lot of secrecy in a trauma-bonded relationship, because there’s this desire to preserve a more positive image of the other person,” Chu says. But seeking outside help is one of the most important (and overlooked) steps towards breaking free. Not only can a more objective, third-party perspective help you see things more clearly, but their support can also be a much-needed reminder that you’re loved, you’re enough, and you can find happiness beyond this one unhealthy dynamic.

3. Keep track of the red flags that hurt or confuse you.

It’s easy to downplay the moments that didn’t feel right—the yelling, the ghosting, the name-calling—once your partner’s endearing, romantic side returns. But that’s exactly why every expert we spoke with recommends keeping track of the behaviors that hurt or confused you.

It could be that cruel name they called you during a petty fight about the dishes, or a gut feeling you had about them texting their ex. In these emotionally tumultuous dynamics, “it’s especially important to be as objective as possible and record your innermost thoughts and feelings as they come,” Dr. Welsh says. That way, you can see the full picture of your relationship while avoiding the instinct to romanticize those few, sweet moments.

4. Start thinking about your exit strategy.

This idea of “just leaving” isn’t just overwhelming—it probably sounds unrealistic. That’s why Dr. Messman recommends breaking up the process into smaller, more manageable steps (rather than expecting yourself to lose feelings all at once). You can start by filling up your schedule with activities that don’t involve your SO, for instance, or arranging regular check-ins (and perhaps overnight stays) with your friends. Gradually, Dr. Messman says, you can also limit contact altogether—no texting, calling, or engaging on social media—to get used to living a life without their constant presence (and validation).

Because trauma bonds are so psychologically complex, working with a licensed therapist can be a game changer: These professionals are trained to sort through the chaos—the confusion, the guilt, the longing, the fear. Though, if your safety is at risk—as in, someone has threatened or otherwise harmed you, reach out to a domestic violence hotline ASAP.

While breaking free from the person who both comforts and destroys you is notoriously difficult, the experts we spoke with reassure that it is possible—and reading this article is already a powerful first step.

Original article appeared on SELF