You have your trusty vibrator, the one that always gets the job done when on the self-love train. Have you considered introducing your favourite toy to your partner? For most women, external clitoral stimulation is needed in order to have an orgasm, and that’s not always a given during sex. Sex toys are designed to bridge the gap between what we get from sex and what we want from sex but aren’t getting. They are the helping hand you need. (In addition to, you know, your hand.) It seems like they would the natural addition to your sex life.
But it can be hard to introduce sex toys into the bedroom for the first time. You’re not the only one nervous about taking your sex toys across the border from Solotown to the Land of Let’s Get It On.
Sex toys are in many ways the final bedroom taboo. As a sex educator and coach, I can personally attest that people are still intimidated by them, however much we tout the dogma of the sacred vibrator.
If you (or your partner) is a little (or a lot) nervous about getting started with sex toys, try these four tips I use with concerned and curious clients. You’ll get there! It just takes some empathy, communication, and a lot of encouragement.
1. Tbh, this might be a super awkward thing to discuss, so prepare yourself for the awkwardness.
Real talk: Your partner may be really threatened or offended when you bring up using vibrators in the bedroom. There is some deep-rooted insecurity around sex toys that, while outdated and unfortunate, still exists. It’s like if you want to bring a vibrator into the bedroom, somehow you’re telling your partner they aren’t good enough. Not true!
Don’t focus on yourself and your sexual needs exclusively. This can potentially alienate your partner and put them on the defensive. Make the conversation about both of you. Approach the topic with empathy and be prepared to deal with a contentious reaction.
Have an open an honest conversation about why this is something that turns you on. Tell your partner that it’s new, a little kinky, and fun. It’s something for the two of you to try together in order to expand your sexual repertoire.
Remember, vibrators aren’t only good for you and you alone. They offer immense pleasure when applied to the tip of the penis, the perineum, and the ball sack. If your partner has a vulva and hasn’t used a vibrator before, sex toys will blow their mind, too!
2. Offer to go shopping together, but be ready to go alone.
You may have a sprawling collection of sex toys (good for you!) or not, but if your partner is feeling peevish about using a sex toy, it is best to buy something new. There can be all sorts of loaded feelings about a toy that has been used before, especially with other partners.
You want this to be for both of you, something special that you can share. Offer to bring your partner along to the store or to shop online with you. It might relax them to see that there are so many options for sex toys, as well as not-at-all scary places to shop for them. For a fabulous customer experience, choose Babeland, Unbound, Pleasure Chest, Wildflower or Good Vibrations. These places have sprawling online shops for your convenience.
Be prepared to get shot down on the shopping trip. It might just be too much. And that’s OK! Trying sex toys for the first time can be a bit scary. If you are on your own, embrace the experience. Choose something that you and your partner will love. Speaking of which …
3. Don’t pick some enormous, phallic monster dildo.
The last thing you want to bring home to a nervous partner is some scary, veiny, Rabbit vibrator with a million spinning beads and a realistic penis-head. Nope. This will not go well. Nothing says, “I’m replacing your dick with this vibrator” or “I need a penis over your vulva to be happy” like bringing home a vibrator that is shaped like a larger-than-life penis.
Choose something non-threatening to start. You want to keep it playful and exciting, not terrifying.
Go for inspiring curiosity, not anxiety. When in doubt, choose a sex toy that doesn’t even look like a sex toy. The quieter the toy, the better. You want something in a non-fleshy colour that is more “cute” than it is explicitly sexual. I love to recommend Bender from Unbound and the Form II from JimmyJane. Bender looks like Gumby and the Form II looks like a bunny. What could be scary about that?
For those especially squeamish around sex toys, Fin from Dame Products is the ultimate toy for beginners. It literally turns your hand into a vibrator, giving you one less thing to think about during playtime. You place the little vibrator between your fingers and put the strap over them. It doesn’t move and it won’t fall off.
Your partner will be shocked by how easy it is to get you off. Fin is like a gateway drug for couples sex toys. You’re welcome in advance.
4. Focus on pleasurable exploration.
Got the gear? Great. When you bring the sex toy into bed, keep the play about you and your partner. Verbal encouragement (read: dirty talk) will be your best friend. Tell your partner how good they are making you feel and how turned on you are.
You want the toy to be a part of the experience, not the entire focus of the experience. Be sure to remind your partner how sexy they are and how much you love their penis/vulva/body.
If possible, don’t mention the toy. You can guide your partner’s hand to your hot spots, or simply use the toy on yourself. They want to make you feel good. If they see how much you’re enjoying yourself, they will likely be open to including sex toys as part of the regular routine.
Taken from SELF. Read the original here.
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