Not every friend is the person you call when your world is falling apart, and that doesn’t make the friendship any less real. Some people know every detail of your life, some you catch up with every few months as though no time has passed, and others are simply the people you have a great time with when your paths cross.
We often expect every friendship to operate at the same level. We take distance personally, overextend ourselves to keep certain relationships alive or feel guilty when someone no longer feels as close as they once did. The friendship shelf theory offers a different way of looking at it.
What is the friendship shelf theory?
The theory, my friend shared with me, revolves around visualizing your friends as though they are on tiered shelves. This may sound a little insensitive, but bear with me. Your shelves feature your best friends at the top. Those around the middle are close friends who you may not see or hear from as often, and the lower shelves are warm acquaintances you occasionally have fun with but would not call in a crisis.
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There are several benefits to using this as a loose structural approach to your friendships, experts say. It helps you to consider what you really value in your friendships—and prioritize that more intentionally, psychologist Marisa G. Franco, PhD, author of Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, tells SELF. When you think about who you see as a “top shelf” friend), you can understand what about that person and the relationship makes it so. Do you consider their loyalty and kindness most important? The fact you both show up for each other in hard times? That you’re mutually reliable and dependable? Understanding this is enlightening and leads to prioritizing friendships that align with your needs.
The friendship shelf theory isn’t about bumping people up or down based on singular events. It’s not designed to be a tool for revenge or to punish people. Instead, it should be viewed as a self-reflective tool that allows you to place your energy and effort into the right people and remove it from the wrong ones—which people pleasers and anxious attachers can find hard. Re-assessing your friendships in this light means being intentional rather than passive: We can let go a little of anyone who doesn’t match our energy (while still maintaining a relationship with them through enforcing healthier boundaries), and focus more on the others who treat us well, celebrating them with the level of love and effort they deserve.
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My friend said that dialing into this approach allowed her to view friendship as ever-evolving, rather than fixed or rigid. I used to see friendship as an all-in or all-out affair; you were either a ride-or-die friend who had to give me everything, or you were nothing to me. The friendship shelf theory has helped me to understand that’s not a realistic—or healthy—way of looking at friends. You can have all types of successful friendships, you just have to adjust your expectations and what you’re willing to give in return based on individual relationships.
Other perks of the friendship shelf theory
Another benefit is that you stop overlooking toxicity and bad behavior, health and wellness coach Meghan Mitchell, M.Div, NBC-HWC, lead course instructor, Headspace Training Institute coach manager, tells SELF: “It becomes easier to recognize when a relationship constantly drains you, crosses boundaries, or leaves you feeling diminished.”
Critics may argue this tool could lead to a tendency to shut people off too quickly. It may, however, result in the opposite. For some, this mentality “offers a gentle structure for understanding relational dynamics without needing dramatic cutoffs or confrontations,” explains Mitchell. I have never believed friendships are disposable or interchangeable. In fact, sometimes I’ve held on too tightly and fought too hard when I shouldn’t have. This theory allows me to view my friendships through a healthier lens where I can step back and, when needed, let go. This frees me up to prioritize both myself and the friends who are reciprocal in their time, effort, and energy.
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It’s therefore key to implement the friendship shelf theory in the right way. “This works best when it’s used as a self-awareness tool, not a value judgment,” says Mitchell. “It isn’t about ranking people by importance or worth. It’s about recognizing that different relationships carry different emotional and energetic realities. Used gently, this framework helps you align your expectations with what each relationship can realistically offer. That alignment actually creates more compassion because you stop expecting people to show up in ways they’re not able to, and you stop overextending yourself in return.”
Use the shelves as a positive tool to address issues or reconnect with people too. If you feel as though someone has moved down slightly and you’re not as close anymore, consider having a conversation and trying to work things out. Or ask yourself: Does it feel healthier to give yourself some space and accept where things are?
And don’t forget to make space for those who may not be your ride or dies. As Vivana Coles, DMFT, LMFT, CST, author of The 4 Intimacy Styles: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy, tells SELF: “not everyone is your emergency contact, and that’s okay. Fun friends are still real friends.”
How to create your own friendship shelf
Wondering how to arrange your friendship shelves in a healthy, mature, positive way? Dr. Coles suggests the following:
- Top shelf: “Mutual reliability and deep trust. I can lean and they lean back.”
- Second shelf: “Close, but inconsistent. I enjoy them, I just don’t rely heavily.”
- Third shelf: “Good-time friends. Light connection, lower vulnerability.”
- Fourth shelf: “Friendly acquaintances. Warm, but minimal investment.”
Originally published on SELF.
