Many people who have never experienced alcohol dependence firsthand mistakenly believe that it reflects a lack of willpower or moral fibre.
The reality is far more complex. Alcohol Use Dependency (AUD) is rarely about chasing pleasure. More often, it is about trying to manage emotional pain, anxiety, loneliness or trauma in the only way the person knows how.
Our first experience with alcohol usually begins with the desire to fit in, experiment, or escape feelings of loneliness or rejection. During our teenage years, having a drink begins as a rite of passage. Drinking is recognised as part of being young, uninhibited and sociable. As most people mature and gain a greater sense of responsibility, they normally leave this behaviour behind and move on with their family life.
However, there are those who struggle to let go. What started as teenage experimentation has become entrenched in their lifestyle. To these people, alcohol has become something entirely different. Initially a social lubricant, it has become a familiar companion that offers comfort, relief and escape, always there when it feels needed. Social occasions are not fun or worthwhile unless alcohol is present. Drinking starts becoming a part of home life, whether after work or on weekends. There is always some form of alcohol available.
I had exactly such a relationship, and I was so good at managing it that when I eventually asked for help, my family and friends were surprised. I had never been abusive or angry by nature and was able to control my behaviour quite well. Basically, to all outward appearances, I could hold my ‘dop’.
I also never drank at work or in the morning when I woke up. I never faced disciplinary measures or consequences in my working environment. I would nurse a single whisky for hours at company functions where I was due to give a speech as the regional manager. However, once the event was over, I had to stop somewhere to catch up on the drinking that I had missed out on. The work function had eaten into ‘my time’.
Forget the stereotype of an alcoholic sitting homeless in an alleyway, nursing a brown paper bag with a bottle sticking out of it. The diversity of people that I’ve met in recovery has taught me that alcohol does not discriminate. It is a true democrat.
I wouldn’t touch a drink for three months at times. That only reinforced the illusion of control.
But eventually, at the age of 50, the illusion collapsed. I became physically and emotionally very ill. I continued to drink alongside medication prescribed for major depression and anxiety, and this finally sent me over the edge. That was the moment I realised I needed professional help to stop drinking.
I am now nearly 12 years sober and only wish I had sought help earlier, both for my dangerous friendship with alcohol and for the anxiety and depression, which had been with me for even longer. Looking back, I realise how different my life might have been had I understood my condition at a much younger age.
Today, as an addiction counsellor, I have noticed an increasing trend of people over the age of 40 seeking assistance for alcohol dependence. These are people who, like me, have had successful careers, have raised families and are considered responsible citizens. Many of them describe having had a seemingly healthy relationship with alcohol for most of their lives before something changed. For some, it was bereavement or another significant loss. Others experienced unemployment, retirement or major life transitions. For many, years of unaddressed drinking took its toll until their families could not take it any more.
It is often very difficult to accept that to live a fulfilling and meaningful life going forward, it is necessary to stop drinking. After spending most of their lives socialising and celebrating with alcohol as a constant companion, their best friend of many years has become destructive.
Often this emotional attachment, rather than the physical craving alone, is the hardest to overcome.
Acceptance is not about giving up or compromising, it is the very opposite. By accepting one simple truth, that I could not drink alcohol and expect to be happy, I regained agency over every other aspect of my life.
To anyone reading this article who recognises something in themselves, please reach out for help. It is never too early or too late to find a better way to live, and it is a decision that you will never regret. I know I haven’t.
For professional assistance with various types of substance use or behavioural addictions, or symptoms such as depression, anxiety or any other mental health concern, contact your nearest Netcare Akeso facility or download the Netcare App to make an appointment with a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor. Call Netcare Akeso’s Crisis Line on 0861 435 787, 24 hours a day, for emergency support.
