Dating apps are full of people getting very specific about what they want—and what they absolutely don’t. There are the usual turnoffs: slow texters, astrology obsessives, people “still figuring out their dating goals.” But one seemingly innocuous deal-breaker that keeps popping up—and sparking strong reactions? Picky eaters.
As superficial and nitpicky (no pun intended) as it sounds, lots of singles I’ve encountered online feel weirdly passionate about this particular ick—so passionately, in fact, that they’re spelling it out on their Hinge profiles: You should not go out with me if… You’re a picky eater. My most irrational fear: Picky eaters. While reporting this story, I asked my 12,000 followers to share their experiences and opinions; within an hour, dozens slid into my DMs with horror stories about grown adults who refuse to eat vegetables, survive on a five-year-old’s diet of chicken nuggets, and consider sriracha sauce too spicy.
@victoria.intheuniverse #fyp #hottake #redflags ♬ original sound - victoria.intheuniverse
For some, being overly selective in one’s dietary preferences is enough to turn an otherwise perfect match into an immediate no. “I just watched the Hot Ones episode with Jacob Elordi, where he says he’s a plain eater, which honestly made him less attractive to me,” one person tells me. Another recalls meeting a guy who, on paper, checked all her boxes. “On our second date, he told me he was open to anything…except that he doesn’t like anything fatty and needs lean protein, carbs, and no pork,” she says. “He thought the sauce for beef rendang was ‘too much.’ He wouldn’t even eat chicken thigh—only the breast.”
Though these examples might sound harmlessly silly (or weirdly specific), relationship therapists aren’t shocked. “Daters have become increasingly discerning and selective,” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York–based psychologist and expert for the Hily dating app, tells SELF. “Plus, food has become one of those micro-tests we use to gauge compatibility very quickly.”
@meetmarketpodcast Hi If he eats like a toddler… is he really ready to give you a baby? 🥴 Chicken tenders, no veggies, and you think he’s handing out eggs? Be serious. Would you date a picky eater or is that an automatic no? #D#DatingStandardsM#ModernDatingR#RelationshipTalkP#PettyOrPractical ♬ original sound - The Meet Market Podcast
Some people eat to live, while others live to eat…. What Dr. Romanoff is saying, basically, is that there’s a reason this cliché exists. If you fall into the latter camp, you’re probably the type to enjoy exploring new restaurants or use homemade meals as a love language—in which case, dating a person who eats buttered noodles every day or picks the peas out of stir-fried rice can feel deflating.
That’s where, like any lifestyle mismatch, something seemingly “small” or superficial starts to feel a lot bigger. “Even ‘minor’ things like dinner plans or grocery shopping can become recurring friction points,” Dr. Romanoff says. This is why one self-proclaimed foodie I interviewed says she will only date people with a similar culinary passion. “When I eat out, I hate ordering separately. I want to share everything,” she tells me. “So if they can’t or don’t eat what I like, how are we going to enjoy each other’s company?” Beyond being mildly frustrating, Dr. Romanoff adds that this clash can also breed resentment. “My ex would get mad about this, but sorry that I don’t want to share some fish salad with you,” one seafood-hater confesses, recalling how disagreements like these became recurring sore spots in his relationship.
@dailydoseofid This applies to only full grown adults that actively refuse to try new foods 🙂
♬ original sound - DailyDoseofID
In other cases, it’s not about the food at all—and more about what being a “picky eater” implies on a grander scale. According to Beverly Hills–based therapist Suzanne Wallach, PsyD, LMFT, picky eating “carries an assumption of rigidity and control in everyday life. Are they willing to try something new? Are they curious about the world—going beyond just food?” After all, if someone refuses to taste spicy curry or a bite of broccoli, it’s safe to assume they might be “picky” about traveling to foreign countries, experimenting with different hobbies, or indulging in spontaneous plans.
While reflecting on what she looks for in a partner, one woman I spoke with doesn’t mention personality traits or interests: She brings up Thai dishes from her heritage—and how a man’s reaction (or reluctance) to them tells her everything she needs to know about his character. Her logic? “Trying a food is a very, very little thing,” she explains. “If they’re not willing to give it a try, then they’re likely unwilling to go out of their comfort zone. And in a bicultural relationship, they’re going to encounter new experiences a lot. So it’s curious to see how someone who refuses to do that will approach bigger adjustments—traveling, changing a diaper, etc.”
@hwhlpodcast Vegans delete the paragraph you were typing in the comments #comedy #redflags #pickyeater #dating #redflag ♬ original sound - HWHLpodcast
In truth, this correlation isn’t universal, nor is it always fair. Of course, plenty of people have reasons for what they will or won’t eat: sensory sensitivities, texture aversions, allergies, religious practices, or medical conditions. And then there are others (myself included) who don’t have any practical explanation. In some cases, a limited palate is nothing more than a preference—like any we’re entitled to have—and it has nothing to do with being high-maintenance or immature, as many vegans, greens haters, and plain eaters emphasize to me.
“Picky eating isn’t necessarily a personality flaw,” Dr. Wallach asserts. “It’s just a preference, and if you want someone who eats similarly to you, that’s fine.”
@s.m____________ literal na picky 😭 #fyppp #foodtok #pickyeater #pickyeatercheck ♬ original sound - speed audios
Though a delicious irony comes with this deal-breaker, of course: In disqualifying people who seem “rigid” about food, we also become guilty of the same inflexibility we’re judging in someone else. “You shouldn’t dismiss someone just because they express a trait that’s different from you,” Dr. Romanoff points out. “That doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.”
In fact, it’s a pattern she sees often in modern dating: a hyperfocus on instant alignment. Understandably, no one wants to waste time with the “wrong” person, which is why it’s so tempting to shortcut the slow, risky path of discovering compatibility by looking for people who match us in obvious ways: They like the same music; they root for the same sports team; perhaps they have the same favorite food or restaurant.
However, that surface-level screening—which can feel like a sign of fate at first—misses deeper qualities that actually sustain a relationship, Dr. Romanoff argues. What matters more than agreeing on the Dune movies or disliking potatoes in any form is whether you can disagree without resentment or how comfortable you feel navigating vulnerable conversations about commitment—none of which you can screen for in a Hinge prompt.
So yes, maybe your date only wants dairy-, gluten-, and sugar-free desserts that taste like cardboard or they order at upscale restaurants from the kids’ menu. But before you swipe left, at least consider this: At what point are we being a little too picky about the picky?
Originally published on SELF.
