When people see twins, they often get excited. They see the same person in two bodies, and speaking from experience, this does not help us find our true selves instead, it feeds into the stigma of “they are the same person.”
Beyond matching outfits lies two completely distinct journeys. The hardest part of being a twin isn’t sharing a life—it’s learning to navigate it as an individual.
When seeing twins or if you are expecting twins, it is very exciting to start planning:
- what matching outfits they are going to wear,
- what sports you want them to do, and
- what talents you want them to have.
It’s always a ‘them’, never ‘I want both my children to grow up into the unique person they are meant to be.’
From navigating a "strong twin/weak twin" dynamic to dealing with codependency and outside expectations, stepping out of an "us" and into a "me" can be life-altering
It’s a common misconception that twins have the same personality and experiences in life. However, beyond the matching outfits and surface similarities, twins have unique identities, relationships, and interests that go deeper than one thinks.
The Connection: A "Strong" Twin and a "Weak" Twin
Growing up as a twin, you will know there’s a ‘weak’ twin and a ‘strong’ twin. I was the weaker one between my twin brother and me. Looking through baby photo albums, I can clearly see that we’ve shared a strong connection from birth.
Whatever we were doing, whether it be sleeping, playing, or walking around, we were always touching each other. Not necessarily holding hands but our arms would touch or our backs. And I can only imagine how cute this must have been for outsiders.
My mom told us we had our own language, and she always found it so fascinating to watch us speak to each other and our actions afterward, as if we made plans ahead. My twin brother was the first to speak. He actually spoke on my behalf.
He would look at me, at times not even talking, look back, and express what I wanted to do or say. To this day, we have this connection, which is my favourite part of being a twin. Twin telepathy. With a simple look, we know exactly what we want to say, followed by a nod or smile, and we carry on with our day.
Growing up, we always had this strong connection. Not only telepathy, but knowing where the other one is and what they are doing. I am terrible at directions, for example, and would phone him and say, “I am on a long road with trees”, and he immediately directed me to my destination.
My love language is gifts; I absolutely love buying people presents. And every time I tried to buy him a gift or tried to surprise him, he would say, “I know you bought me a PSP game, it is in your top drawer in your bedroom, can I have it now, or must I still wait.
It was impossible. I would get home from the shops, not holding a shopping bag but with a t-shirt stuffed in my handbag, and he would greet me with a “Thank you, I really wanted that t-shirt".
The Downfall of Co-Dependency
This bond was stronger from his side than from my side to him. Hence, he is the stronger twin. I remember in high school, one day he was sick for the very first time and I had to go to school alone that day.
I remember climbing out the car door, standing in front of the school gate, not being able to step in, being extremely conscious that a part of my soul and physical being is separated from me and I need to do this on my own.
I needed to take the step and face the day knowing he is at home, me being out in the world without having the option to need him, or look at him in a crowd and get the nod of reassurance that we are ok.
Yes you read correctly, I said “we”. This is where the downfall of being a twin comes into play. I was extremely dependent on my twin.
I did everything with him when I was younger, unknowingly to my own detriment that it will later affect my life drastically. I never ever thought of a day that he would not be further than an hour's drive from me, knowing he will be coming home that day. Knowing exactly where he is and what he is doing.
This reality hit me hard the night before his wedding. I realised that for me it will no longer be an ‘us’ but ‘my twin and his wife, my twin and his family’. From that night, my life threw me off balance completely and I had to learn to be an individual.
To be able to not need my twin, not need his reassurance, not needing to just know where he is. But knowing from that moment on for me it will no longer be a ‘us’, it will just be ‘me’.
This realization hit me hard, I saw that my rock, my life line was gone. I was left in the dark to fend for myself and the problem was I did not know where to begin.
Opposite Personalities and Outside Expectations
We are completely opposite personalities, interests and especially how we dress (lol).
- I am an artist and a free spirit.
- He has a mathematical brain, sees everything as black and white no room for grey or colour. Where all I saw was colour.
Despite these obvious differences I always had teachers come to me saying why am I not as smart as my twin, why am I not as athletic. That I was a let down (in their mind - as to what they think a twin should be). I always just turned and walked away as I knew we were two very different individuals and I love that about us. This alone shows we are not one but two.
My co-dependency on him, crippled me for some time while having to grab my bearings and steer life on my own without knowing he is by me or getting the smile or nod that comforted me, which I always needed.
This is what it is like being the ‘weaker’ one of a twin. It is extremely difficult. We do not realise it as we are growing up but the moment life hits us and we need to separate, it could either make or break the ‘weaker’ twin.
Learning to See Twins as Individuals
My parents never treated us as one, they always saw us as individuals and never compared us, and I believe this is the correct way to raise twins. Move away from:
- “They are so cute, look at their matching outfits, they look the same,”
but to:
- “WOW they are unique and that makes them even more special.”
The bond between my twin and myself no matter my codependency being gone, will always be strong and even grow stronger as time goes on and as (in my experience), becoming completely independent from him has shifted our relationship to one I am very fortunate to have.
The deep, almost spiritual connection we share, where we don’t need to explain anything - there is just 100% understanding.
And the best, most comforting part of being a twin is knowing someone always has my back. No matter the distance, I will always have a person out there who fully understands me in a way no one could ever be able to.
Original article written by Viné Lucas, follow her on IG: vinelucas.creatives
* This article is attributed to my own personal experiences.
Read about codependency, twin identity, and finding independence
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