Female desire explained: What women really want and why

Women’s bodies have always been the subject of fascination. We talk about fertility, periods, pregnancy, ageing and beauty with remarkable confidence. Yet when it comes to female pleasure, the conversation often becomes noticeably quieter.

Do women enjoy sex? Why does desire seem to fluctuate throughout life? Is low libido the same thing as low sexual desire? And why are so many women still trying to understand how their own bodies experience pleasure?

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For years, women have been taught to think about sex through a narrow lens. If you don't feel "in the mood" as often as you once did, something must be wrong. If you struggle to orgasm, perhaps that's just how your body works. If your sex drive changes after children, stress, or menopause, that's simply the price of getting older.

But according to sex educator and sexual wellness advocate Lisa Welsh and psychosexual therapist Ruvarashe Mabhena, many of the things women worry about are rooted in misunderstanding rather than dysfunction.

LIBIDO VS DESIRE

The terms libido and desire are often used interchangeably, but experts say understanding the difference is one of the most important steps women can take toward understanding their sexuality. Historically, sexual response was viewed as a linear process where desire appeared first, followed by arousal and orgasm.

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This week on LOVERS, I sit down with four incredible women for a real conversation about low libido. What it actually feels like, what is actually happening in your body when it shifts, and why so many women have spent years feeling broken over something that was never a personal failure. The full episode is out now on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts ✨
♬ original sound - Shan Boodram

Modern research tells a different story. Psychosexual therapist Ruvarashe Mabhena explains that many women experience desire uniquely. "Many women experience responsive desire, where desire emerges in response to intimacy, emotional connection, affection or sexual stimulation rather than appearing spontaneously." In other words, desire doesn't always arrive before intimacy begins.

Sex educator and sexual wellness advocate Lisa Welsh says this misunderstanding is one of the biggest reasons women assume they have a low libido."Most women who think they have a low libido actually have a normal libido and the wrong expectations." "We've been sold the idea that desire should strike out of nowhere, like it does in movies. For most women, it doesn't work that way."

Instead, she says, desire often follows arousal. "Desire shows up after arousal starts, not before."

It's a perspective that challenges years of messaging that suggests women should constantly feel spontaneous sexual desire. For many, understanding responsive desire can be the difference between feeling inadequate and recognising that their sexual response is entirely normal.

HORMONES AND WOMEN'S SEX DRIVE

Hormones play a significant role in sexual wellbeing, influencing desire, lubrication, mood and energy levels. Major life transitions such as pregnancy, postpartum recovery, perimenopause and menopause can all affect sexual functioning."Hormones play an important role in sexual functioning, but they are only one piece of a much larger puzzle," says Mabhena.

During pregnancy and after childbirth, hormonal changes are often accompanied by fatigue, physical recovery and emotional adjustment. Similarly, menopause may bring changes in arousal and comfort during sex.

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How Do Women's Sexual Motivation Change Throughout Their Cycle? The War Inside Women: How Hormones Influence Psychology - Dr. Sarah Hill
♬ original sound - Chris Williamson

But Welsh believes hormones often take the blame for issues that are much broader."A woman hits 45, her desire dips, and everyone points at menopause. Nobody asks whether the sex she's having is actually worth wanting."

It's a statement that gets to the heart of an often-overlooked issue. Women are frequently encouraged to investigate their hormones while rarely being asked whether their sexual experiences are pleasurable, fulfilling or centred on their needs. "If the sex is rushed, routine, or built entirely around his pleasure, no hormone level will fix that," Welsh adds.

UNDERSTANDING VAGINAL DRYNESS

Few topics create more anxiety among women than vaginal dryness. Many assume it automatically signals a lack of attraction or desire, but both experts stress that this is one of the biggest misconceptions in sexual health."Desire, arousal and lubrication are not the same thing," says Mabhena.

Dryness can result from hormonal changes, medication, stress, anxiety, breastfeeding, menopause or chronic illness. It can also happen simply because the body and mind are not always perfectly synchronised.

@onyivee111 Causes of Vaginal dryness 👩‍⚕️🩺#goviraltiktok #foryoupage #viralvideos #goviral #treanding #yourversatilenursevivi ♬ original sound - Nurse Vivian

Welsh says many women are surprised to learn that lubrication is not a reliable measure of desire. "How wet a woman tells you very little about how turned on she is."

"A woman can be deeply aroused and still dry, especially with hormonal changes, certain medications or simple dehydration." The good news is that dryness does not have to diminish pleasure. "Reaching for lube doesn't mean your body has failed. It's one of the affordable, most effective pleasure upgrades that exists."

RESEARCH FOR THE “FEMALE VIAGRA”

While treatments for male sexual dysfunction have become household names, women's sexual wellbeing has historically received far less attention."Historically, female sexual health has received significantly less research funding and clinical attention than male sexual health," says Mabhena.

Part of the challenge is that female desire is far more difficult to isolate and treat through a single biological pathway.

"The search for a 'female Viagra' assumes that women's desire can be addressed through a single biological pathway. However, contemporary sexual health research suggests that desire is influenced by far more than hormones or blood flow."

Mental health, relationship quality, stress, body image, trauma and social expectations all play a role. Welsh believes this complexity explains why there is no magic pill. "Viagra works on plumbing. It moves blood. Female desire was never a plumbing problem."

She continues,"You can't medicate a woman into wanting sex that doesn't satisfy her."

For decades, women were excluded from many areas of medical research, leaving significant gaps in our understanding of female sexual function. While progress has been made, experts agree there is still a long way to go.

Is There a Quick Fix for Low Levels of Desire?

The answer depends entirely on what is contributing to the concern. For some women, hormonal therapies, prescription medications, menopause treatments or vaginal moisturisers may help. For others, the root cause may be stress, mental health challenges, unresolved relationship issues or pain during sex. "The most appropriate treatment depends entirely on what is contributing to the concern," says Mabhena.

She also warns women to approach over-the-counter libido boosters with caution."Many products are supported by limited scientific evidence, and consumers should be wary of marketing claims that promise dramatic improvements in desire."

While some women may benefit from medical intervention, both experts emphasise that education remains one of the most effective tools available.

"The most effective treatment was never going to come in a pill. It looks like better information, better communication and frankly, better sex," says Welsh.

LIFESTYLE FACTORS THAT BOOST DESIRE

Sexual wellbeing is deeply connected to overall wellbeing, which means lifestyle choices can have a profound impact on desire.

For Welsh, sleep is one of the most powerful yet overlooked factors."A chronically exhausted body treats sex as optional and survival as the priority."

Stress is another major contributor. "The stress response and the arousal response cannot run at the same time." Mabhena agrees, noting that women often carry significant emotional and mental responsibilities.

@healthformzansi Boost your libido with these tips 🍑 #fypシ #healthtok #libido #desire #libidobooster #health #mentalhealth #sexualhealth #knowyourbody #passion ♬ original sound - Health For Mzansi

"Chronic stress can have a profound impact on desire because it places the body in a state focused on survival rather than pleasure." Both experts encourage women to prioritise sleep, movement, emotional intimacy, self-awareness and communication.

Perhaps most importantly, Welsh encourages women to rethink how they approach desire itself."Stop waiting for desire and start creating the conditions for it."

"Put your phone in another room. Take twenty minutes that belong to nobody but you. Touch your own body without a goal." Her final observation feels particularly fitting. "Desire isn't a lightning strike. It's a fire you build."

WHEN TO CHECK IN WITH YOUR DOCTOR

Sexual desire naturally changes throughout life. It shifts in response to stress, illness, parenthood, relationships and ageing. "The most important thing women should know is that fluctuations in sexual desire are normal and do not necessarily mean something is wrong with them," says Mabhena.

However, women should seek professional support if changes in desire are sudden, persistent, distressing or affecting their quality of life.

Both experts also recommend consulting a healthcare provider if low desire is accompanied by pain during sex, unexplained symptoms or significant emotional distress.

Rather than approaching these changes with panic, Mabhena encourages curiosity.

"Instead of asking, 'What's wrong with me?', it can be more helpful to ask, 'What might my body, mind, relationships or environment be trying to tell me?'"

It's a refreshing perspective in a culture that often encourages women to view every shift in their bodies as a problem to be fixed.

SIDE BAR

LISA WELSH'S TOP FIVE SEXUAL WELLNESS ESSENTIALS

A quality water-based lubricant

Less friction, more sensation, and all the pressure taken off the body to perform on demand.

A hand mirror

You cannot communicate what you want if you don't know what's there.

An air-pulsation vibrator

A gentler alternative to traditional vibrators that many women find more comfortable and effective.

A positioning wedge or pillow

A simple tool that can improve comfort, positioning and clitoral stimulation during partnered sex.

Durex Mutual Climax Condoms

Designed with ribbing intended to increase stimulation for women while incorporating delay lubricant to help address differences in timing between partners.